12 May, 2008
I still love my dirty, dirty boy.

Even though I don’t have cable anymore. Sniffle. Thanks youtube for the Mike Rowe fix.

15 November, 2007
Let the hating begin!

Okay, it’s only hours after the debut of Project Runway season 4 and I’ve already gotten two comments and two emails asking where my recap is. Uh oh. Y’all are gonna be mad at me.

I’m not doing Project Runway recaps this season. Sorry! I got rid of cable a while back and the closest person I know that has it is about a 45 minute drive from my house. And since Bravo isn’t putting episodes on iTunes this time, I just have no reliable way to watch it. I might get to catch a few episodes here and there, but I refuse to do sporadic recaps. Blame my obsessive, perfectionist tendencies.

I was even invited to the TRESemmé Fantasy Runway premiere party in New York and had to turn them down (it’s a little ‘spensive to jet set up to NYC mid-week to watch tv). I’m the worst!

I do encourage y’all to get your fix over at Blogging Project Runway. They always have links to fabulous recaps as they happen so check em out.

28 August, 2007
New Seasons of Fashiony Goodness!

According to Fabsugar, Season 4 of Project Runway will be premiering on Wednesday, November 14th On Bravo! Doh! And just when I cancelled my cable, too. So, whose house am I watching the new episodes at so I can recap? (If you’re just joining us, recaps of previous seasons of ProjRun are here.)

Alsoooooo:

19 October, 2006
Project Runway—Season 3 Finale

It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for, the Project Runway season 3 finale!

We start out right back in the middle of the Did NeckTat Cheat scandal. Uli wishes it had never happened, and Laura’s unapologetic. She compares it to one athlete on steroids competing against a bunch who aren’t. Jeffrey’s upset not because they thought he sucks at sewing, but that his integrity was questioned. Tim Gunn says he’s missing a receipt from the pleating company, and he better get it faxed over, stat. Jeffrey is all, what if I can’t get it, “it’s like Sanford and Son over there.” He’s stressed. He calls the place. It’s not looking good. He starts making a skirt just in case he can’t use the garment in question. Good thinkin’ NeckTat. I nod my approval in your direction.

Tim asks everyone to gather. He explains the concerns over outsourcing the sewing (like everyone didn’t know) and says that he is confident that Jeffrey made the clothing himself, and that he will be showing his collection. Jeffrey collapses into a pile of tears, and holds onto Uli for dear life. Tim is all, “blink. blink.” The crying continues. I mean I know it was probably stressful, and you were tired, but hey let’s pick it up! You’re already done with your collection, while everyone else is still sewing. It’s not like this has caused a huge inconvenience for you. Take a nap.

Tim explains that since the receipt is still missing, the bubble shorts have to go (thank God, no one really needs to see another bubble anything this season), and also he’s over budget by $200 and some change, so figure out what’s getting returned. Immediately, I’m all, “WIGS!” Uli goes, “Thanks, Laura for starting all this!” Laura says, “I didn’t intend to make Jeffrey cry,” (I really hope she said it that way to mock his reaction re: Angela’s mom on the reunion show) and the drama queen is STILL sniffling out on the balcony. Nap. That’s all I’m sayin. Jeff says he’s okay with Laura and it’s a good thing, because I think his People Who I Made Cry count is way higher than Laura’s 1.

Tim has a last “gather round” and gets all choked up. Everyone’s stoked and nervous. They go to the tents mad early in the morning, they get all excited. Ooh can I have one of those goody bags? Suddenly it’s time! We see shots of Alison, Malan, Angela. Everyone’s family is there. Stevie Nicks Heidi comes out and introduces the judges. Michael Kors is a particularly hideous shade of oompa loompa orange, and is wearing mirrored aviators. Oh Korsey, you kill me. Nina Garcia is there, and the guest judge is Fern Mallis, the creator of Olympus Fashion Week and also A) someone who looks like they eat actual food that works in fashion and B) the one who said her best advice to designers was “Be nice.” I love Fern Mallis.

Time for the show! Jeffrey shows first. He gives a shoutout to his family (it’s his girlfriend’s birthday), and he’s ready to go. I’m gonna stick to really short & sweet commentary on the collections and let the clothes just speak for themselves. All runway photos are courtesy Sparklies.org. And I definitely recommend that you click here to see huge, gorgeous, high-resolution photos of all the looks!

I loved almost everything about Jeffrey’s collection. Besides the two “blue” looks, I thought it was incredibly light and fun and young.

Love the polka dots. Love the stripes. Love the zippers.

Thought it was very Alice in Wonderlandish at times, and I saw the Japanese influence. Thank god he lost those wigs.

Good job, NeckTat. I’m glad you didn’t cheat. Your music sucked though, seriously your clothes were so fun but the music made me want to put on black eyeliner and slit my wrists. Heavy bassbeat runway music: look into it.

Uli was next. She said PR was the best experience of her life, and basically a dream come true.

I’ve said it before, I love Uli’s clothes, and if I ever get rich and famous, I’m buying one of her pieces in a minute. My only complaints about this collection: 1) the tan and silver together looked a little Star Trek Uniform to me. I was looking for the little logo on the left chest or whatever. 2) why send out all the neutrals together and then all the color together? I thought the idea was BIG LOOK, tame look, BIG LOOK, tame look, or else you lose the big looks if you put them back to back. I think Michael Kors taught me that.

Love the shell and bone embellishments, love that necklace.

When homegirl ripped off her skirt to reveal a bathing suit, there was an audible GASP at the party. That was seriously hot, Uli. Hi Amanda! Quit lightening your hair.

I loved the color of this dress, but was not diggin the little coral pieces hanging off it. I know that coral jewelry is hot right now but those looked like those little chili pepper string lights I had up in my room when I was 15. Nice job though, Ulls. I’m proud of you.

Laura’s next. She said her goal was to get big in the fashion world, and what do you know, she’s BIG (I was afraid there would be a birthing right on the runway) and she’s in the fashion world.

We got amazing evening looks from Laura. There was a lot of black and nude, as expected. How stunning was that model with the long red hair?! Girlfriend needs a Snickers bar, but I’m saying. She is gorgeous.

I loved that belted tan dress. On the runway it looked like leather covered in sequins. Seriously hot. I would wear all of these if I was leggy and seven feet tall.

Why the little white pasties, model? You could have at least gotten flesh-colored ones!

And there is MY dress. No really, I’m claiming it. The belt is my favorite color, and that gray! Perfection! Laura, when you do color you HIT IT RIGHT ON. What happened to that gorgeous red dress I was admiring at your house? I think if you’d done more color and a little more play with volume, you could have blasted everyone else out of the water, seriously.

Last was Michael. He says something about a sexy, sensual RAAAWRRR woman finding herself on the streets. I mean it was a lot of STREET (corner) in this collection, if you know what I’m saying.

Oh look there’s Fatty McMinnieMouse lookin hot in the only thing I’d wear from his collection (if it was like a foot longer). Um, I’ll sum up Michaels collection: gold lame’ (when is this ever a good idea? Answer: NEVER), lace up, lots of cleavage (or there would be if there were actual boobs inside the garments), loud animal print, sequin bling. Oof.

See, some of these garments might have been okay, like that orange thing, but I HATE the belts. They look SO cheap, and that color brown is all, “Fake leather! I’m fake leather! I’m about to crack and start peeling off the white fuzzy interfacing I’m attached to!”

Aaaaah! The bathing suits. Although Andrae’s model from last season is lookin good. That gold thing, ugh, get it away. And he worked on that hideous bag forever. Honey you might as well have picked up something else from the TJ Maxx sale rack, cause it would have been cuter. Ugh, I hate this stuff. Michael, I weep.

And the worst look by far, with ol busted Clarissa and the ugliest handbag ever. No one wants to carry that thing, trust me. Michael, I’m so sad.

Sigh. Okay. We go backstage and see everyone hugging and interviewing. The big stars at the show are Brandy? And the CEO of Wal-Mart? WHAT??? Surely there were cool people there, get the mic out of his face. Heidi Klum, get away from him! Oh good, finally we’re on to the judging. They bring out the models.

Laura goes first. She says her collection was “romantic, escapist and luxurious.” I’m nodding. Heidi says for $8,000 this was spectacular. MK chimes in, “For $30,000 this would be spectacular!” He asks about the beading. Yep, she did it all herself, and paced herself on it. Hey, y’all look at my dress. See how it glows? Anyway, you knew what Nina was going to say. Where’s the surprise factor? Fern Mallis tells her that it’s fine to be focused if your work is this extraordinary. I agree. Go Laura!

Michael says he was trying to show who he was as a designer. Y’all, peep that hideous handbag I mentioned earlier. Ugh. Fern says that she could tell he was definitely the crowd favorite, and she wished his collection had stood up to that, cause it didn’t. MK says the volume was turned way way up on this. Michael says, it’s Bryant Park and I wanted to come on strong and serious. NG says it’s a fine line between strong and sleazy (okay not really but she said the fine line part). Michael says he did what he could do. He looks upset.

Jeffrey is next. He talks about his Japanese inspiration. FM calls it adorable and loves the detailing. MK says he dressed the girl for every juncture in her life, a party, the movies, work, etc. They talk about the two odd pieces out (Jeffrey, just don’t ever try to do evening. You’re not a silk charmeuse guy.) and say he should stick to his strengths. Heidi mentions him going over budget by $200 and asks what he got rid of. He says the wigs and now he’s under budget by $400. He spent $600 on wigs? BAD wigs? Ew.

Uli says she wanted to show a broader variety of what she was capable of. NG says her clothes are terrific, they will sell, they’re what women will like and buy. She’s saying all this in a way that makes me wait for the big BUT… but it never comes. They cut to Heidi who wants every outfit. MK says there should be more of a connective thread from the color to the neutrals, he doesn’t see the story. These fashion people and their stupid stories.

The designers leave and it’s time to talk about them behind their backs. Uli makes clothes women want, she knows how to do details and she’s passionate. Jeffrey is innovative, fun and shows variety without being all over the place. Except for that one gown which was obviously straight from a Japanese ghost story nightmare. Laura’s middle name is meticulous, everything is impressive and if you buy one of her pieces, it’ll be in your closet forever. But is she a creative innovator? Meh? Michael’s taste level is questionable, the quest to find his identity was noble, but they hate what he found haha.

During commercials, the survey results for “Who should win Project Runway” are in and 42% of Americans are trashy! They want Michael! Oh, and what’s with showing Barbie commercials during PR now? Are little kids REALLY watching this? Because I got sick of that one commercial. Also the new Barbie Girl head branding is icky.

We’re back on the runway with the designers. Heidi addresses Michael: we believe in your future, but you need time to mature. You’re out.

Laura: you created an exquisite collection, but it’s too limited, you’re out.

Jeffrey: you’re innovative, cohesive and you showed your range. Uli: you pushed yourself and made a beautiful collection that every woman wants to wear.

And the winner is… Jeffrey!

Uli heads backstage and says, “get the kid ready!” which just about made me cry. I mean that was really gracious of her. She says things happen for a reason, 2nd place is perfect for her and she will survive in fashion. Go Ulls!

Jeffrey says he effing did it. Congrats to him and to Marilinda also (who demonstrates why they don’t let the models talk — “I’m a winner toooo!”). Jeff’s girlfriend and baby come onstage. And his family. Awww it’s nice.

And Tim Gunn presents him with the Saturn Sky Roadster! Hot! In a very scripted moment, Tim says, “Bravo” and the little Bravo logo comes out of his mouth. Haha cheeeeese. Jeffrey closes it out with, “This doesn’t suck at all.” Well said, NeckTat, and congratulations to you.

Thanks so much for reading my stupid recaps and I’ll see you guys for Season 4!

Partay!

The party last night was really fun. Thanks to everyone who came out: Annie, Alicia, Flza, Denise, Cassie, Heidi, Grace, Ashley, Kyle and Chris. I had a great time!

Even though I was rooting for Laura, I’m not mad that NeckTat won, and I thought his collection (minus two looks) was divine. There is a full recap with photos of all four collections coming up later today so watch for it.

And of course the most important guest of the party: the food. Here’s all the food I made, minus the bruschetta which was still cooking. Yeah, I made Oreos from scratch, aren’t you impressed?

12 October, 2006
Project Runway—Episode 13

Episode Thirteen—Finale Part One: Heidi gives the designers their assignments for Fashion Week. You have 2 months and $8,000 to create twelve looks. 30 minutes to sketch. Go! Just kidding. They go back to Atlas to pack.

Laura says she’s not only efficient at sewing, but efficient at packing as well. The producers love showing off that vintage Louis Vuitton luggage don’t they? She says she’s not too worried about Bryant Park because hey, she made a whole line of kids, so why not a whole line of dresses? I love that Laura.

Everyone catches cabs to head off to various airports except Laura who walks (wiggles?) home. Uli says that “vinning ze last challenge” made her confident. Michael’s out for blood, and Jeffrey has a suitcase made of red duct tape? When he gets in the cab he’s all, “BYE ATLAS!! YEEEAH!” It’s weird to me for some reason.

One month later. Tim visits Michael in Atlanta. And doesn’t he look hot driving that Saturn! Michael looks like maybe he’s lost some weight, or maybe it’s just the braces, who knows. He says America can call him “braceface” now. Could this dude be any more adorable? The answer is no. He has a cute little house, but that blue paint is so overwhelming. Get some white-matted artwork up on that wall or something Michael! Let me come help you decorate!

They take his collection into the living room. He says he’s still in the beginning stages of his “Street Safari” collection. We see sketches and fabric swatches. A lot of loudish prints and glittery stuff. He says it’s going to have a slight 70s feel. We see the first finished piece which is a white long dress with lots of pockets and a plunging neckline that laces up. Tim says he likes the detailing but I really hate it. I think it looks like something from the cheap, slutty, “urbanwear” store (remember Jeffrey’s flamenco hooker outfit?). They also look at an animal print dress with a huge cutout on the boobs ala the last dress he did (purple, no chestal coverage). Oh Michael. This is just not looking good. I remember his portfolio when he auditioned, and I’m worried. Don’t make a bunch of sleazy club wear! Restrain! Edit!

He tells Tim they’re going to his cousin’s house and he will be the executive chef for the night. So the boy can cook too! When they get there, there’s no girlfriend in sight (Michael, honey.. call me already!). Tim meets his family and has a touching conversation with his father, who is the most supportive dad anyone could wish for. They flash snapshots of younger versions of Michael and the boy is smokin hot with a fro’ or a shaved head. Gosh. They hold hands and pray over dinner, then it’s chow time. I love this part of the show. Maybe it doesn’t make for an exciting or sarcastic recap but it’s such a relief after that stupid reunion.

We head to NYC and Laura buzzes Tim up to her apartment. She says she’s been so busy working on the collection she hasn’t had much time to whine about being pregnant. Oh and it’s her 5th boy in a row. Laura’s cultivating her own little sweatshop up there. What a great idea. We go into her apartment, and OH MY GOSH. THE SHELVES OF SHOES. THE APARTMENT IS HUGE AND GORGEOUS. I so want to be you, Laura.

She has a TON accomplished. I believe she’s at least started every garment. We see a gorgeous red jersey dress that’s plain on the outside with subtle sequin embellishments on the inside, so when the model walks, it will glitter inside the dress, which is slit up the front. Now THAT is hot. Can I have that dress? They look at some other things, including this velvety long thing, which I like the color of, but that’s about it. Tim is like, “Hmmm, is it even pretty?” and says, “It’s a lot of look,” which is almost never a good thing.

We get to meet Laura’s family and one of her kids offers Tim a bit of turtle poop. Tim recoils with an adorable, “Ewww!” and Laura says the turtle poop was like an olive branch. “Welcome to our clan. Have some poop.” Now that’s hospitality! Her husband looks really old to be fertilizing so many eggs, and Laura says she’s looking forward to winning PR because she’s never had the extra cash to start her own line. Yeah, she spent it all on that vintage LV luggage. We leave with a shot of the turtle eating cheerios. Bye Laura (pssst I’m totally rooting for you).

Next up is Uli. She has a great apartment with a view of Miami. She’s going with a tropical theme (surprise, y’all!). Tim tells her not to be a one-note. We see some interesting bone clasps on print dresses. Then there’s a silver sparkly number that looks really great. She takes Tim to the beach and good lord are his feet blindingly white next to Uli’s tan!

Uli confesses that she moved to Miami because she used to watch Miami Vice as a kid growing up in East Germany, which I find hilarious and adorable. She says living in East Germany was a drag because it was so dangerous back in the day but now she’s really living the American dream. It’s cheesy but I’m happy for her.

Two weeks til Bryant Park and Tim goes to visit Jeffrey in LA. Team Mohawk opens the door. Tim greets Jeffrey’s family and his girlfriend says their kid is “Jeff’s best design.” Well ain’t that cute. We get to see some touching moments between Jeffrey and his kid and momentarily I forget that I think he’s a total butthole and kind of think maybe he’s just a punk rock dad who is a jerk when being filmed alongside annoying ass people 24/7. I’m not 100% sold on that idea though. He talks about his childhood. Dad left, blamed himself, turned to drugs, wanted to hang himself, finally got help. Clean for 5 years. Good for him. He wants to win PR to secure a future for his kid.

They head downtown to Jeffrey’s HUGE studio space. He says his collection was inspired by Japanese ghost and demon stories and paintings of kimonos. I love the idea of that, and I am sort of seeing it in what they showed so far. There’s a really cool green striped dress with exposed chartreuse zippers. Love! Tim says he’s in awe, and calls one of the other garments “unexpected.”

Two weeks later we’re back in New York and the designers are staying at Flatotel (a measly $550 per night for the most lowly room). Michael gets to the hotel first and tells us he LOVES his collection. It’s hot. Wooooo woo NASTY HOT. Oh boy. He goes to the room to sleep. Laura gets there next. She wants to win, if solely to prevent Jeffrey from doing so. She goes in and wakes Michael up. Uli arrives next. Hugs all around. Jeffrey gets there and says he busted his ass to be prepared and has gotten a lot done. When he comes in Uli asks, “How is your life? Are people throwing eggs?” Haha. No one gets overly excited to see him. No partying, everyone goes to bed. Zzzz. At this point I start to get sleepy too.

They go to the new workspace and hang up their clothes. Laura points out that Jeffrey has a ton of things on that rack. Tim goes and visits everyone. Jeff first. He has a sweet handbag that matches that stripey zipper dress. He shows a few things. He’s completely done with everything already. Wow. He tells Tim to carry on.

Uli’s next and Tim says he wants to see things on the models to get a better idea of proportions. He says he misses all her prints! Laura’s stuff has gorgeous detailing and there’s a gray gown with sequins and my favorite color belt. I want it right now. Tim says it definitely looks like a 12-piece collection.

Tim gives Michael a big, reassuring, “Oy.” which is probably about as comforting as when he “Oh Jesus”-d Kayne. He has some hideous white shirt with silver sequined pockets. I don’t get it. Tim calls it “cartoony” and says there’s a lot of bling. He either needs to go completely over the top (Cher, I feel a new costume coming on!) or take some stuff away. He says to make it all fit in one woman’s closet.

Tim collects receipts. Jeffrey has some organizational trouble with his receipts. Tim looks anxious. I smell foreshadowing. Next is model casting and I’m getting really tired. I totally can’t read most of the notes I wrote down. I fell asleep at one point. I guess they meet with a hairstyling guy because what I can read of my notes:

Michael: big roller-set hair
Jeff: choose wigs for blank slate
Something that looks like “do estort seth bigger. Rice pilaf.”

I’m so serious that I wrote rice pilaf in my notes. Am I meal planning in my sleep? Perhaps. Oh here we go I guess I woke up because I can read my handwriting again.

Everyone is fixing last minute details. Laura starts glancing suspiciously in Jeffrey’s direction because “every hook and seam is finished.” She says she doubts he had time to do all that by himself, especially since he works on his own collection AND had to do the PR stuff. She believes it’s his design but doesn’t think he just pulled all those great construction techniques out of his ass. Because most of his construction on the show LOOKED like ass. Michael and Uli are also suspicious and think they should say something when Jeff comes back.

Laura takes Tim aside and expresses her concerns. Everything in Jeff’s collection looks finished and perfect, and better than his usual craftsmanship. She thinks he got outside help. She brings it up to Jeff and he explains that he didn’t waste one day and he is just prepared. Michael and Uli also seem miffed that his stuff is so ready. He says, “Look it’s Bryant Park. Of course it’s perfect!” He’s clearly pissed. Laura interviews that she won’t apologize for bringing it up. Jeffrey thinks it’s “pitiful” that she thinks he’s cheating. Laura says that at least he reacted well, she expected him to be all, “What the hell bitch, I made it myself, shut up!”

Jeffrey says that he can’t sew perfectly when PR gives him 30 seconds to make up a dress, but when he has time, he can do things perfectly. Tim confronts him and says he’s innocent til proven guilty, but that they are going to look into it and he has a chance to confess if he got outside help. Jeffrey says he got a vest and shorts pleated and that’s it. Tim questions him about other intricate garments and Jeff says they were all done by him, by hand. I believe him.

Tim says they’ll look into it and will be checking his receipts carefully. Jeff says he made the collection but is scared that for some reason they won’t let him show at Bryant Park. He says he’s “walking into the dark.” We see him crying on a preview for the next episode. Cliffhanger, right?

05 October, 2006
Project Runway — Episode 12

Episode Twelve: The Reunion Show—Well no one got up and walked out, no one was in a drunken or drugged stupor and no one cried but I laughed a couple times so I guess it was okay. Sorry I’m a little “meh” about this episode, I was expecting more. We’ll do a quick summary.

Bonnie: “People are all, ‘You were on Project Runway! You sucked!’ And I was all, ‘Wha? No way!’”

Vincent reminds Heidi that people loving his work, his fans, oh and basically everything turns him on. Malan showed at fashion week. Angela gets mobbed by people in LA who have sympathy for her.

Kayne lost some more weight and needs to STOP TANNING! Michael got braces. Jeffrey is sporting a mullet. The four finalists are looking lovely. Laura and Heidi admire each others’ pregnantness.

Keith comes in, Heidi asks how it’s been for him. He says he’s just fine, his friends have been great, no one hates him, etc. There’s a long, uncomfortable flashback reel of him getting caught and kicked off. He talks for a while about the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy against him, and suggests that the producers planted the books in his room, but they were his books, they just put them there? I didn’t get it. He also tries to say that there’s nothing in the contract about not having fashion books and everyone is all, “OH YES THERE IS BLACK AND WHITE EXPLICITY!” Tim asks him if he thinks the outcome was fair and Keith is all, you can see in my eyes and my face I’m upset, so no, it wasn’t fair. He tries to glare them to death or something, but it doesn’t work, so he gives everyone the Eat Crap and Die Painfully grin instead.

They also ask about him leaving the production and he blames it on a production assistant pointing toward a door with her elbow or something. Heidi gets pretty testy with him and compares it to leaving the scene of an accident. While Keith is talking, everyone is clearly sympathetic toward the poor guy. I’ve never seen this much annoyance in one room before, it’s amazing!

Finally Tim puts an end to the bickering since they could talk about this 24/7 and nothing would get resolved. Heidi is all, “Yeah things are getting too hot,” and Keith goes, “I THOUGHT SO.” He doesn’t speak the rest of the show. I was hoping for a dramatic walkout. Boo.

There’s a huge clip of Tim Gunn, the walking dictionary. Definitions of words flash across the screen. It’s great. Ready for your vocab lesson, kids? Mitigating. Faux bois. Consternation. Strum und drang. Circuitous. Ambivalent. Constructivist. Grievous. Quotient. We also get to find out he is a painter and sculptor! I’m so in love with this man!

Each designer gets their little idiosyncracy showcase of clips. Laura is “Serious Ugly.” Robert is “boring.” Vincent is of course “turns me on/gets me off.” Bradley is “????” which means sound effects. (Also how hot is the newly shaved and trimmed Bradley?!)

Next we get a very uncomfortable session with Vincent in regards to his Entertainment Weekly interview (if you haven’t read this, do so immediately and then take a shower, which you will undoubtedly want to do anyway).

He admits that even though he hasn’t read any of the blogs, he HEARS that Tim is badmouthing him all over the internet. He also says the show was full of amateur designers, which of course goes over really well with everyone. He goes into this big rant about how amateur isn’t an insult, he just believes everyone’s not at a certain LEVEL of design, and that there’s a prerequisite to be at that level. They keep trying to pin him down for insulting everyone by calling them amateurs and he keeps circling the question. It’s weird. Tim says he has no idea what he’s talking about. Laura calls him delusional to his face.

There’s a big clip of Kayne the fast talker, and a hilarious Word Count thing for him vs. Miss USA. Final tally: Kayne:932, Miss USA: 7. HA! Seriously this man could be an auctioneer, he talks so fast. He says he’d like to tell himself to shut up.

Malan talks about how he got over two million supportive emails, and not one was from his family. They’re pissed because he came out at a young age, and as such, have ostracized him. Which sucks for them because I absolutely love Malan. They show a clip of his laughter and it’s HILARIOUS. Robert says it’s Cary Grant meets Eddie Munster. PERFECT!

There’s a thing between Angela and Jeffrey about the mom challenge. They show Jeffrey being a jerk to Angela’s mom again. Angela STILL doesn’t really call him out for it. Jeffrey looks like he’s really done talking about it. Angela says if they met under different circumstances they totally could have been BFF. Right Angela, and also under different circumstances I could be a millionaire with seventeen cars and my own masseuse. Some things just are never going to happen, honey.

There’s never before seen footage of Vincent being a total drama queen diva extraordinaire about some laundry. Apparently he would rather wear dirty clothes than have someone wash his $125 shirts, and he goes into a tirade filled with F words. Kayne and Michael leave the room and are all, “He crazy!” and he totally is. He goes off on some Jr. producer in a Danzig shirt. The kid just kind of shrugs. He leaves and is all, “GET ME A MUTHAF*CKIN PLANE TICKET!” And storms out of Atlas, yelling the whole time. I bet his wife just loves being married to him. What a delightful man.

Edited to add: VIDEO! Thank you Project RunGay!

They announce the winner of the BravoTV.com Fan Favorite competition and no one is suprised: MICHAEL!

Korsey and Garcia bring him a big foamcore check for $10,000. MK you aren’t lookin so hot in this picture.

The designers get a chance to ask the judges questions for the first time. Angela totally embarrasses herself by asking if her STORY were different on the dog challenge episode, if she would have been a contender for the win. Nina laughs her off the stage and they’re all, NO, HOOKER! Shall we take a moment to remember that outfit?

Yeah honey, not even Shakespeare could come up with a story to save that monstrosity. Kayne asks why they were so harsh on his couture dress when the fans loved it. MK says he has to temper his glamorama.

The blooper reel is good. A fire alarm goes off during judging. MK is HILARIOUS. “Oh THAT’S relaxing.” Making his trademark faces. I love him. A bunch of models almost pass out. Apparently Amanda is a hypochondriac. Actually, y’all, I think those girls just need some food. Seriously the producers should have milkshakes standing by for instances like this. Also Jeffrey farts a lot and loudly. Haha.

The four finalists go. Everyone speculates on who will win. They interview the season one and two designers and their answers are great.

Jay: Well the gay white guy won, then the Asian immigrant won, so that means it’s the black guy’s turn! Go team Michael!
Chloe: Michael because he’s a black male version of me.
Kara and Daniel V: Uli.
Daniel Franco: Laura for the win and for CEO of fashion.
Robert: Daniel Franco for the season two and season three win. Haha. And on that note, we’re out!

Next week: See Jeffrey’s son try to hand Tim Gunn some turtle poop and Tim let out the most adorable, “EWW!” ever heard.

04 October, 2006
You Are Invited!

The finale is fast approaching, yall. If anyone is near Virginia and wants to come, you’re totally invited. Comment here and I’ll hit you back with directions and my cell number.

28 September, 2006
Project Runway—Episode 11

Episode Eleven: What The Elle?—We begin at Atlas with the all too familiar refrain of Jeffrey trash talking everyone. “If you want peasant blouses, Uli’s in. If you want run of the mill, friendly fashion, Michael’s in. If you want mothballs and chicken soup, Laura’s in, and if you want crotch staples and tattoos that look like I fell asleep at a frat party, I’m in.” Just kidding, if you want me you have to live dangerously. Dangerous=flipping off the camera. Woooo!

Heidi says this challenge is “the big one” and they’ll be meeting with Nina Garcia at Elle the next day to discuss everything. Model pickin’ time and since Laura won, she gets first pick and stays with Camilla. Uli gets drawn from the magic button bag and what a bitch, she takes Nazri right away from Michael. She’s all, “Sorry Lindsay!” Lindsay winks at her but is all, “My boobs held up all those structureless dresses this whole time and this is how you thank me?” Michael takes it in stride and picks Clarissa (Angela’s old model). Jeffrey sticks with Marilinda and my little talker and walker, Amanda, goes home.

They go to Elle and Nina tells them the importance of the fashion editorial and giving fashion writers something new they haven’t seen. The first look pages in Elle give up-and-coming designers exposure to millions of people. (Does anyone really still read Elle?) She gives them the challenge, which is to make the outfit of their choice, showing who they are as a designer. It should have a strong point of view, a story and they have absolute creative freedom. They’re also given one-sheets and have to choose three words that describe themselves as fashion designers, and the words should connect to the look. How design school of them. But anyway.

Back in the workroom Tim gives them a half hour to sketch, $250 and two days to complete the challenge. He commands them to WOW THOSE JUDGES, and leaves them to sketch. Jeffrey’s going to take a huge risk and show them his romantic side. This icks me out, the notion of Jeffrey being romantic. He’s doing a red, white and blue dress. How patriotic of him, is the Statue of Liberty back? Let’s just hope this one won’t be as crotch-exposing as the last SoL-inspired garment. Uli plans on letting the fabric store tell her what she should make. Laura’s doing what Laura does best, a plunging neckline cocktail dress. Michael is stumped, and none of his sketches are clicking with him.

Off to Mood. Michael grabs some purple stretch silk charmeuse. Uli grabs a crazy ass print. SHOCKER.

Back in the workroom Michael seems seriously disabled. He says he’s having a major brainfreeze. Come on Michael, pull through for me baby! Make something fabulous even though that German meany took away your muse!

Uli is having trouble with her dress and tries to solicit help, to which Laura is all, “it just looks like every other dress you’ve ever made. Why are you laughing? Look, I’ve got an effing dress to make, I can’t be chatting with you in German. Auf wiedersehen!” And jets. Don’t mess with the pregnant lady, people. It’s getting mean up in here. Uli tries to get Jeffrey to put on the dress, and he says, “I don’t wanna put it on, it’ll make me look fat.” Okay that was pretty funny. He puts on the dress, but maybe not the way Uli was thinking.

Oh look, it’s my favorite comic book character, SuperAsshole. Michael finally gets a sketch that hits him right, and says his three words are “sexy, sensual, sophistication.” Wait aren’t the first two redundant? No matter, get on it Mike.

Tim comes around and tells Jeffrey what he’s making is really unexpected. Jeffrey talks about how great he is and how one time his dress almost made someone cry (no I’m pretty sure that was you and your grating presence, but whatever gets you through the challenge dude). Laura thinks she might be too safe and Tim says she better keep the judges guessing. Michael shows off his sketches and Tim warns him not just to make a pretty dress. Uli tells Tim she’s thinking hers looks like a kitchen dress, and Tim lectures her for a minute before being all DON’T BORE NINA in her face.

Uli’s so cute, she interviews, “Coming up, Uli doesn’t finish her dress… but watch what happens on Project Runway!” It sounds just like the teasers before the commercials haha.

Next day and Uli says she’s in deep trouble because she wasted a whole day and wants to redo the dress. Laura’s wearing a Blogging Project Runway tank top (cool!). Tim tells the designers to grab their one-sheets and gather. Apparently the winning design will be photographed by some hard-to-pronounce name (which everyone gasps at) and wil be featured on the First Look page in Elle. Oh yeah, and there’s a new deadline—5 p.m. You also have to dress up your models and do a photo shoot to stick on your one-sheet and convey the story.

Uli no likey.

Everyone gets to work except Jeffrey, who gets a video mail from his girlfriend of their son. Oh, and Bravo, you suck. If anyone wants to call Jeffrey’s babymama, her number is 917-3xx-xxxx (edited in case someone decides that’s worth suing over). Good job not blurring that out Bravo. If I was mean, I would have called her. But I’m not, so I will leave that up to yall. Now if it was Jeffrey’s number…

At 5pm they have one hour to get their models photographed. Michael shoots at Atlas, he wants a “loungey” feel, it’s all about the dress and being seen. Jeffrey goes to take a picture in the nature of central park. If he says romantic one more time, I’m going to scream. Just cause you used velvet, I mean come on. Laura decides Camilla is on her way to an event, and instead of shooting in front of a gorgeous church or opera house or whatever, she stuffs her into the ugliest transportation ever: the elevator.

Except they can’t get the door to stay open. Profanities. Exasperation. Stupid idea. NEXT! Uli’s shooting in Times Square and the subway.

Tim gives them one hour to choose a photo and finalize their words.
Laura—glamour, confidence, elegance
Jeffrey—romantic (aaah!), provocative, irreverent
Uli—fun, life, adventure
Michael—sexy, sultry, sensuality (okay now that IS redundant)

Uli says she’s a little worried that Michael’s photo looks like a sex ad for “1-800-I’m-home-alone-call-me-you-stud.” Jeffrey says Michael made the worst dress and if we take away his three words, “sexy, sultry, sensual… STUPID.” Okay I lolled.

The next day Tim gives a somewhat emotional speech before they leave for the runway. They get two hours to hair/makeup the models. Jeffrey talks about being romantic while holding a glue gun. Swoon, right? Michael’s insides are like porridge. Haha porridge? You’re from Atlanta, you should be saying “grits”, what the heck is porridge dude?

Heidi comes out on the runway and actually looks cute for once! Nicely done! The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and Terry Somebody, who’s a fashion writer for the Wall Street Journal (we go from Iman to this??). I wasn’t really looking at the TV but thought it was a woman, but had to do a double take when I heard a deep, manly, “Hiiiii.” Whoa man voice.

The looks walked. Jeffrey said his looked perfect. I actually liked this dress. It reminded me of something you could buy from Anthropologie. Jeffrey’s clothes are alright usually if he would just stand nowhere near them, while not talking.

Laura liked the way the light reflected off the beads, and yeah this looks good but didn’t she make the same dress last week? When Heidi said she wanted one in every color, Laura took it seriously.

Uli was glad she made a short silhouette. Me too. This is cute, but I like everything Uli’s made anyway. On second thought it looks a teeeeeny bit like a beach coverup. The kind you buy in those souvenir shops. Don’t worry Uli, I won’t say anything.

Michael loves his look and says he even made a white girl look like she got ass, that’s how sexy it was. Ha. I hated this dress except for the color, and if you have any boobs at all, there’s no way you’re wearing this.

The judges chat with the designers, Laura’s first. NG isn’t surprised. MK thinks she should broaden the meaning of cocktail dress. Terry Manvoice sounds somewhat normal now, and says it’s very commercial but she’s seen it before. Michael says for him, it’s all about the dress. MK says it’s just a gown and there’s no “look” to this. Heidi says it’s not flattering, T says the keyhole is tricky and it’s kinda skanky. NG is disappointed because his presentation is always on point, and today the model looks a mess. Uli’s next and says her dress is all about fun. Heidi says it’s a new shape, T thinks it looks fresh with just a teaspoon of skin (ooh I like that) and NG is thrilled that it’s not long—it’s new but it’s Uli. Jeffrey says he was going for an heirloom feel with a bit of irreverence. T says it’s dowdy, M says he doesn’t see provocative in this dress. NG is confused, Heidi wants to take it to the barn and milk a cow in it.

The designers leave. They all agree Michael should have done a sportswear look instead of evening. They say Jeffrey surprised them but not in a good way. Laura is good as usual, but if MK sees 12 plunging necklines at fashion week he will scream, and thinks she needs to “rough it up.” NG thinks it’s just a phase she’s going through. They love Uli’s, it tells a story.

The designers come back and Uli wins, so she gets the photoshoot in Elle as well as a place at fashion week. She’s stoked. Laura, you have a strong point of view but we’re afraid you’re a one-note. Jeffrey, you surprised us, but not in a good way and we didn’t see any taste in the design. Michael, you confused us—we love your sportswear but your evening sucks.

Laura is in. She messes with Uli’s head backstage for a minute and it’s kinda cute. Michael and Jeffrey are left on the runway and I’m really sad because Michael’s dress was really the worst.

But wait. They’re both in. What? I mean, I’m glad I guess, but this is stupid. What is this Bravo, 3rd grade Field Day at church? Everyone gets a ribbon? What a bunch of hippies.

They all giggle and the hippies have a big love fest backstage. Tim joins in. How lovey dovey and lame. At least we get some venom next week at the reunion show, and Keith staring everyone down. I can’t wait.

14 September, 2006
Project Runway—Episode 10

Episode Ten—Black and White: We start at Atlas with the designers musing over the last challenge. Laura says her review from the judges was scathing, and she’s just grateful to be two eliminations away from Bryant Park.

Heidi comes out on the runway wearing some big scarf. As I’ve said before, I blame Macy’s for her unfortunate wardrobe this season. She teases everyone with the next challenge, and then snatches it away. Oh! Too bad! You’re going to a L’Oreal Paris party instead, where we’ll meet some “special guests.” Jeffrey says it’s not so much a party as it is a trap, but I think he’s just trying to sound tough, cause he’s wearing a new tshirt for the occasion and everything! Did that ugly, gross striped monstrosity he wears EVERY DAY finally bite the dust? One can only hope.

They go to a club called the Pink Elephant, and… wait for it… it’s another Project Runway toast! I’m beginning to think all fashion designers are alcoholics or something.

They take guesses at who the special guests-s-s could be: a celebrity, a rock band, etc. Kayne rilly rilly hopes it’s Destiny’s Child and I’m like, “Destiny’s Child, Tara Reid? Honey you are soooo stuck in 2002, Kayne. Welcome to the future. It’s much better here.” Heidi brings in the first special guest and it’s—Vincent? Whaaa? Michael interviews, “Vincent! What the heeeellll is going on?” Indeed, Michael. Indeed. The second special guest is—Angela. At this moment Chris and I looked at each other and just groaned. Come on Project Runway, this is not making us happy. It’s not even making us amused.

Heidi finally tells us what she meant by “benefits to winning challenges,” the winning designers all get to come back and have a second chance at making it to the final four. When I think on it, this means Keith would have come back as well if he hadn’t been a big cheater. Bummer, Keith.

Kayne gulps the crap out of his champagne (“What a lush!” —Chris) and says they’re like cockroaches; you stomp em, and they just keep coming back. Vincent or Angela must win the challenge to stay, and otherwise they go home. Oh yeah, and this is still elimination for the final four, so THREE designers will go home this round.

For this challenge they must make a cocktail party outfit using only black and white. All the designers are way uneasy. Even Jeffrey is all, well the good news is… … … uh…

Back at Atlas Laura says what everyone is thinking, that Angela’s win was not entirely hers since it was a team challenge. Angela is all, “Reaaaaally? I disagree!” They show clips of Angela about to shower the design in rosettes and her team seriously editing the design. Angela says it’s more about the design than the construction. Well, whatever gets you through the night Angela.

In the workroom, Tim Gunn explains the challenge further: this is to make sure that the right people go to fashion week. Since everyone is using black and white, this will be about the design and silhouette of the piece as well as the makeup and styling. They have 15 minutes to sketch, $100 for the challenge and one day to work. Oh, and the fabric you buy at MOOD? You have to use ALL of it. Every scrap.

Jeffrey is all, “WTF?!” And I’m right there with him. I’m over these little arbitrary difficulties. It’s so design school of them.

At MOOD everyone’s freaking out over fabric. Uli’s picking prints (SURPRISE) to make a hippie beach party dress (DOUBLE SURPRISE). Angela wants to make a leather shrug with a big Eduardian collar which sounds cool but we are dealing with Angela, I remind myself. Jeffrey wants a sexy minidress. They go back to Parsons.

In the workroom, Vincent is cussing out the fabric cutting man at MOOD because he gave him an extra half yard which he’s gonna have to stick somewhere now (I have a suggestion as to where to stick it!). Jeffrey is talking about Angela and how bad he didn’t want her to be there (SURPRISE). Vincent and Laura have a little spat. Vincent interviews that the “mood is sticky in the workroom.”

Meanwhile, Michael and Kayne are whispering to each other, and Michael looks pretty concerned. He’s like, “Kayne you have a black miniskirt and now you wanna use patent leather boots? It’s gonna start looking like something else.” And by something else he means a “working girl” as he interviews. He also expresses concern over the belt and oh my gosh. It’s hideous. I want to say “eeeedious” like Petrovsky’s daughter did in the last episode of Sex & the City. It’s that bad. Basically it’s black and white leather with the crotch staples from Jeffrey’s jet setting pants.

Tim brings in the models for a preliminary fitting. They all do their thing. Laura’s model is trying to help her make the outfit into something more youthful. I say listen to her, Laura. We’re pretty tired of black lace from you, but to be fair, it was a black challenge, so just make this work.

Tim brings in Collier Strong, the L’Oreal makeup guy who’s always telling us to try out drugstore foundation on our jaw in those stupid commercials, to consult on the makeup. Since this will be the only part of the look with color, he wants to make them all look like drag queens. Only kidding — he wants to do a bunch of smoky eyes and make Angela’s model look like Queen Amidala. Eesh. Also the L’Oreal face charts are ugly since I’m used to looking at MAC. Everyone looks a little exasperated with makeup man.

Tim comes around to check on things and Uli has made a big fabric sausage of a necklace. Oh man. It’s gross.

Vincent has too much fabric. Jeffrey is making tights out of a trashbag, apparently. Tim thinks they might dress it down too much. He asks Kayne, “Where’s the white?” Kayne’s all, “Does this count?” And holds up a white patent leather spike collar from Hot Topic. Tim literally goes, “OH JESUS.” Enough said.

Laura admits to having a broken spirit after the last challenge, and in a big fit of pregnancy hormones, breaks down right in front of Tim. And in front of the interview camera. Although I want her mascara, cause her makeup remains perfect. She wanted to make a big career change, but now she’s just too tired and just trying to get through tomorrow without flinging herself off the balcony at Atlas. Someone needs to get this lady a candy bar or a cheeseburger or something with calories in it immediately. She watches a video cell phone message from her husband, and apparently he’s retarded because it’s recorded upside down.

It’s the next day and Tim says they’ll have two hours for styling the models. He tells Vincent that Gia has been in an accident and won’t be modeling for him, Javi (Jeffrey’s model at the beginning of PR) will be instead. Vincent says he didn’t leave any seam allowances, so if Javi’s fat, he’s screwed. My question: WHY NOT? You had lots of extra fabric. You were COMPLAINING about extra fabric. You might as well have, that’s all I’m sayin.

Javi comes in and she is too fat. She busted a zipper. Oh man I hate it when that happens. I also hate it when my fashion designer tries to sew me into a dress while I’m getting my hair done. So distracting.

Off to the runway and Heidi reminds us that three people are going home. Judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and Zac Posen. Okay seriously I have the biggest crush on ZP. Design for me Zac! Take me away!

On to the show! Angela’s first and here comes a big black Pringle chip filled with whipped cream! Down below we have a backless nightgown and a very pissed off model. PS that bag is ugly.

From the front, Kayne’s looks tasteful and sophisticated, and from the back it looks like the bottom of one of those mini-trampolines. With the bungee cords holding in the middle stretchy part? Y’all know what I’m talking about. Wait, where’s the white in this design? Oh, there it is, a shoelace. My bad.

Laura thinks hers is very 1920s Josephine Baker. I like it except the little worms hanging off the hem.

Michael’s is gorgeous (is anyone surprised?) and he says he did a white dress cause black people look good in white. Haha. Seriously though, how hot is Nazri 24/7?

Well, it’s good to know that SOMEONE has the Flamenco Hooker market cornered. I’m looking at you, Jeffrey. This reminds me of something they sell in that really cheaply made, slutty looking, “urban” clothing store in the mall. Ours is called Foxmoor. What’s yours called?

Uli sends out Stevie Nicks’ nightgown with the fabric sausage. I hate it. That’s all.

Vincent’s is a bandeau top and a miniskirt, and some big long wrap that you can tell is just all his extra fabric. Dang, that skirt is short. I think you could actually switch it with the top and she might be more covered down below.

The judges call up the designers and it’s time for a little chat! Michael’s first. ZP thinks it’s chic, simple and flattering. NG says he’s got the total look down, it always helps his designs. MK asks where the fabric scraps are and Michael shows him the lined purse. MK says it’s impeccable.

Vincent used cottons. NG is all, I don’t like this. Everyone agrees the length is cheap. MK calls the cape “problematic.” ZP is all, if you’d used the cape fabric on the skirt, she wouldn’t look like a hooker. And proceeds to make Vincent cover up the model. The skirt looks so much better when it’s longer. Proportion, Vincent! (Bravo, why did you waste our time here?)

Uli admits that she made a fun Miami party dress out of prints, and MK is all smirks. They examine the necklace and MK says it looks like pool floats. The sleeves are too long. No one likes it that much.

Angela says she went for a mix of modern and Eduardian, and since she always uses muslin to line handbags when “merchandising,” that’s where her extra fabric is. ZP calls it costumey and cheap. NG calls her out on the fabric stuffing and when she opens the handbag, it almost leaps out onto the floor. It’s pretty hilarious since it’s already a structured bag.

Jeffrey says his cocktail party outfit is inspired by the last couple cocktail parties he himself has attended (bachelor parties pre-strip maybe? That outfit. I’m just saying.) MK says there’s a way to do young and edgy that’s not cheap looking (man, everyone’s cheap today). Jeffrey says he WANTED to dress it down. ZP said it’s not elegant and NG is tired of the rock n roll lifestyle.

Laura is totally exhausted and shows them the matching handbag she made with the extra fabric. MK says it’s chic, perfectly made and youthful. ZP says any store would pick it up and sell it immediately and NG bestowed her highest compliment on it: adorable. Laura looks relieved.

Kayne says he tried to edit himself yet still be versatile. ZP says the front is so elegant, but the back—it’s like Jekyll and Hyde. NG said he did move away from his norm, but where’s the white, seriously?

Everyone leaves and the judges discuss. Angela’s vinyl vampire ruffle isn’t a fave. Michael knows head-to-toe presentation. Vincent is clueless about proportion. Jeffrey is loud and needs to stop ripping off Gwen Stefani already (honestly, I really don’t think she’d wear that. Cher, maybe. But not Gwen.). They’re bored with another Uli dress and MK mocks her accent and talks about “hot veather” and it’s pretty funny. Kayne listened to them but still didn’t get it. MK is just grateful it wasn’t an Elvis impersonator on the stage. Laura stayed true to herself but moved forward.

They come back and first it’s the winner—Laura! Angela is out, and as she walks backstage, I just really want to nominate her for What Not To Wear. It would seriously change her life. Vincent is out and reminds us that he makes beautiful music, does it so damn well and has a gift. (Legend in his own mind, indeed.) Michael is in. Uli is in. And already I’m crying for Kayne.

Yeah, Kayne’s out. And Jeffrey is in. Jeffrey comes backstage, middle fingers blazing and Uli’s all, “Of course you’re here, rockstar!” And hugs him. Kayne comes backstage and remains fierce and fabulous the whole time. NEVER let them see you cry, Kayne. I’m so proud of you, baby.

He is ebullient as he does his exit interview, and wants everyone to know, “I’m not a bitch, I just play one on TV.” Kayne, I know you’re gonna be slammed busy these next few months, but if you have a spare second, call me?

07 September, 2006
Project Runway—Episode Nine

Episode Nine—Couture Du Jour: I almost forgot, we’re in Paris, kids! Catherine Malandrino is back to present the challenge and tells them that they will be making a couture gown. I really can’t understand her at all, and I’m usually pretty good with accents. Tim Gunn takes a moment to explain that to be a licensed couturier, you have to be approved by the French government or something. Weird. And also unneccessary. I’m a couturier. For myself. Take that, France!

They’ll have only two days for the challenge and will present the gowns at some kind of party. They should employ couture techniques like hand sewn hems, beading and embroidery. Everyone freaks out to varying degrees.

Back at the hotel or whatever, they’re all gushing about Paris, except for Jeffrey, who’s gushing about how Angela’s gone. Yeah, she sure isn’t tormenting you anymore, even though you’re talking about her every five seconds. Tim Gunn takes them around Paris. They walk through the streets and the courtyard at the Louvre. They have a relaxing lunch and, oh color me surprised, it’s another Project Runway toast.

Now I have toasted maybe like seven times in my 24 years on this planet, but if I was an alien watching this show, I would think that people toast at like every meal or airplane ride. It’s getting ridiculous with the toasting. Anyway, they’re still traveling around Paris and I’m thinking if they only have two days to make some crazy gown, why all this dilly-dallying? Shouldn’t they be at MOOD Paris and cutting and draping like mad? Apparently no one thinks so. Tim takes them to the top of some hill and the hippies take off their shoes and leisurely sketch for a half hour.

Vincent explains to everyone that he was trained in couture, that’s what got him into fashion, and oh yeah also it turns him on. Here we go again. We have crazy Vincent, giggly Vincent, lucid/tame/drugged Vincent and the worst, pervy Vincent. Guess who’s back? With tongue.

Finally they go to some Parisian fabric store and have 300 euros to spend ($375). Jeffrey is looking at madras prints (oy!) and says he wants to make a happy, joyous dress inspired by the Statue of Liberty. No clue what madras has to do with the Statue of Liberty, also the SoL kind of looks mean, not really a happy go lucky kind of gal, so I’m just kind of thinking he pulled this out of his ass so he could have some French-relevant inspiration or something. Whatever, he says he wants to make Project Runway history by being the first designer to WIN with immunity. Not like they’ve given immunity that much in season 1 or 2, but whatever keeps you going dude.

Back at Parsons Paris, Tim tells them they have a model card on their tables and I’m furious because ONCE AGAIN, the PR models aren’t being used (I calm down later). Uli doesn’t have any prints and I’m curious to see what she’ll do with a solid color. Laura’s making a black dress with huge white collar and cuffs. Kayne’s making a dress for his favorite pageant girl. Laura interviews that Kayne has some real “Vegas tendencies” and he’s making something pageanty. Jeff calls it prom-gowny. Vincent gives some Daniel Franco-esque speech about, “You gotta let the fabric flow, let the pattern flow, let it grow, let it sprout a rainbow with a unicorn jumping over it!” Laura says he’s a legend in his own mind. Obviously.

Back at the apartment, Jeffrey is all prancing around the bedroom while shaving with an electric razor. I find this kind of gross, and feel sorry for the janitorial staff. And also Vincent and Michael who probably have his little hairs all over their beds now. Ew. Vincent’s all, “DO YOU SEE ME SLEEPING, PLEASE STEP THREE FEET BACK!” and instead of going into the bathroom like a normal person, he goes on the BALCONY to shave. Vincent hurls some expletives.

Back at Parsons, Tim comes around and visits. Michael’s concerned about time, he’s never done hand sewing before. Laura is BELLY OUT in a tied up button-down shirt and I love it. It’s so in your face. She talks about the collar and Tim says the collar HAS to make the dress work. Tim furrows his brow at Kayne as usual, and is concerned about the boning showing through the bodice. At this point it does look bad. Kayne thinks it’s gorgeous and wants to breathe his life into it. Good lord everyone’s so poetic today. Must be Paris air or something.

Meanwhile, Jeffrey is spouting off some monologue about how making a couture gown in two days is like making an atom bomb, which is hard, cause believe him, he tried. Laura’s worried about Kayne being eliminated, she likes him and doesn’t want him to get hurt. Jeff is all, “Who cares if he gets hurt, no one wants his Halloween costume.” Vincent says Laura’s dress looks like Creature from the Black Lagoon and Jeffrey says she’s confused about what couture is. He’s not though. Couture is an atom bomb of yellow madras, apparently.

Michael is REALLY not close to being done, and they have like four hours left. He hasn’t even started sewing. Jeffrey says something about, “How bout I COUTURE your face!” His jokes are so never funny. Of course he thinks his is the only couture gown, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. Laura’s starting to feel really pregnant. Her feet hurt and her ankles are swollen. I imagine it does suck being in that workroom all day with several unsufferable people when your hormones are going insane. I would have sewn one of them to the worktable long before now.

They get ready for the party and are trying to finish their gowns. They get 2 and a half hours for fitting, hair and makeup. Uli says Vincent’s skirt reminds her of a couch. Sexay! Michael’s sewing like crazy, and had to take his dress down four sizes. I can’t imagine someone four sizes smaller than Nazri (which I’m assuming he sized the dress for) but whatever. If someone calls Nazri zaftig, I’m going to spontaneously combust. Vincent’s fitting his model and apparently hasn’t hemmed the dress. Tim asks if he’s gonna have time to hand sew it. Apparently not because he busts out a bottle of glue. He glues the hem, glues some seams and in homage to Angela, glues a big ol’ fleurchon on the back of the dress. They’re all rushing to get the dresses on the models.

They all walk to the party, Kayne looks really cute escorting his model. Some nutbag on a balcony throws an egg at them (WHAT?!) and it lands on Michael’s gown. Tim Gunn is pretty furious looking. Who throws eggs at random people and gets away with it? No one even yelled at the guy.

They go to some fancy boat for the party. Catherine Malandrino looks amazing, and as Heidi would say, “I want her dress in every color.” She tells everyone they look magnificent. Guess what, THEY TOAST AGAIN.

I don’t have a screengrab of it, but Kayne appears interviewing as a total stereotypical Parisian man. Beret, black skinny mustache, ridiculous accent. It’s golden. The models walk, then Catherine talks to each of the designers.

In the words of Michael Kors, “I can see what she had for lunch!” Yeowch that slit is high. Catherine tells Jeffrey it was pretty audacious to use cotton for an evening look, but you can tell she means it in a good way.

Laura’s looks pretty great, Catherine seems to have an issue with covering arms for an evening look, but Laura says she’s always cold so it works for her.

Now I’m seeing Kayne’s gown for the first time and I really like it. There’s a lot of detail but it flows beautifully and is VERY couture to me. The back is an asymmetrical corset and it looks amazing. Catherine says it was brave to lace it up the back and that it fits her perfectly.

Oh Michael. His looks like a hot mess. It’s lumpy, the model looks really sad to be wearing it. Catherine asks about the detail and he talks about ruching. It doesn’t look good. At. All.

Vincent. Oh boy. Catherine is all, “Wow, 80s I missed you along with shoulder pads in couture evening gowns!” She asks about what inspired him and he’s all, “I don’t know but I like it!” Then proceeds to hit on her for five minutes. I mean he’s all up ons.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I love everything about you! I want your look! Are those your shoes?” He even kisses her hand I think. The other designers are gaping. I’m thinking he’s really trying to win the Daniel Franco award or something.

Uli’s is “easy, light and effortless” and the braiding and color really reminds me of Santino’s Nicky Hilton dress. But cleaner and more polished.

Tim says Catherine’s scores will be added to the judges’ scores back at Parsons in NYC, and everyone parties for a while then they fly home. The next day at Parsons NYC, they have two hours to REFIT the dresses, then do hair and makeup. All the American models are fatter than the French ones so they have to let the dresses out. Vincent busts out the glue again. Laura’s collar has been totally flattened. It’s awful-looking now, it just looks like some limp toilet paper, seriously.

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and fashion designer Richard Tyler, who looks really greasy. I think he could be ol’ NeckTat’s dad. Showtime!

Kayne’s walks first and I thought Amanda looked stunning. The skirt flowed like a champ. I just loved it. Laura’s was FLAT. Ugh, it really looked awful, not much else to say. Uli’s model. All I can say is I could not stop staring at her boobs. She has really big boobs for a runway model I guess, plus the fact that the garment appeared to be sheer, even though I guess it wasn’t. It was ONLY sheer on the boobs though. It looked good but hello. Boobs.

Jeffrey’s model came out and worked the hell out of the runway. I never even noticed her before, but that walk was fierce and a half. Vincent’s reminded me of that OTHER gown he made. Boring silhouette, weird ass sleeves. He looked at the skirt and was all, “Nobody cuts like THAT, sister!” Michael’s looks awful, even on Nazri. MK makes a face like he just smelled a fart. Michael said he was “sweatin’ like a whore in church” and with good reason. That looked bad.

The judges talk to each of the designers. They like Uli’s bodice, and the fact that it’s not Miami flip flop couture, or something. They think Kayne’s is way too busy. Nina tells him he needs to hold back. MK says he thinks his middle name is Too Much. Jeffrey was the most creative, MK thinks he likes the yellow madras goth aesthetic. RT says it’s not perfect but he could tell the model loved it. Heidi asks Vincent what he did by hand to make this couture, and he doesn’t even attempt to answer the question, he says something about the dress being great. I wish he had been like, “I did a lot of couture hand-gluing, Heidi. It got me off.” MK says he made an oddball sleeve that doesn’t fit. NG says the top looks like it’s on backward and RT hates the fleurchon. Those were SO last episode. Michael gets grilled. MK says when he loans a dress to a celebrity, it always comes back looking like this. Heidi says she has bunny ears on her boobs. RT says to tuck them in, and when he does, the dress improves by about 1800%. Doh! RT tells Laura hers needs some life, the layers are lookin all flat. Nina says it’s old and done, and MK says shorten up that skirt and hand her a featherduster, cause she’s a French maid. Props to Laura for not saying the collar got squished, cause I totally would have.

The designers leave and the judges like Uli and Jeffrey. They are still hating on Michael. They again say about Kayne, “His taste level is just not there.” My friend Chris was watching this with me and was like, “I LOVE it when they say that.” So do I. It’s the best way to tell someone they’re trashy. I’m going to use it in a conversation sometime. About Vincent, MK says he made some Ace of Clubs sleeve that didn’t fit. All Catherine wrote on the score card was, “No. No. No. No. No.” Laura’s was a block of fabric that just DIED.

They come back out and the winner is.. Jeffrey with his fresh, new, hip dress. He doesn’t get immunity and Heidi says it’s gonna be tough from here on out. Uli is in. Michael is in. Kayne is in.

And I start sweating, cause of those two dresses, Laura’s really does look worse. They tell Vincent his lacked couture finishing and detail and the fit was off. It confused them. They tell Laura it looks old and predictable. Been there, done that. Laura is in. Vincent is out. Whew.

Vincent says he’s sad, that he wanted to go to the final three just so he could show a full collection. He tells us again how he cashed in his 401K, which by this point I’m really annoyed with. It’s not like you have to buy your own fabric and stuff on the show, so what is the deal with that? Anyway, he likes taking chances, and PR put him in a beautiful place, and oh yeah, here’s a parting shot. It totally got him off.

31 August, 2006
Project Runway—Episode 8

Project Runway Episode 8—High Flying Fashion: Also known as I Bet Those Models Are Getting Really Bored.

We start out at Atlas with a half-naked Kayne stretching for the camera and telling everyone how much he misses making fun of Laura now that Robert’s gone. Uli tells Laura she can tell she’s pregnant now, and not just faking it to get attention, to which Laura replies, “That’s not the kind of attention I want, to be honest.” I can just imagine Laura smacking someone with her Hermes bag when they try to touch her pregnant belly.

Down the hallway we hear a familiar sound, Jeffrey whining about Angela. This time he’s mad because she was smoking a cigarette when he was trying to go to sleep. Cause smoking is SO LOUD and get over it alleged rockstar/ex heroin addict. Good lord. He interviews that the last challenge was a “frickin nightmare” and that Angela tried to get him eliminated. What? I thought it was that hideous beast of a dress that tried to get you eliminated, you paranoid weirdo. Angela interviews that Jeff was a complete ass to her mom and I’m still flabbergasted that “ass” is the worst insult she can come up with for someone who treated her mom like complete dirt. You think someone who wears combat boots every week could muster up a little more vitriol, but whatever.

We head to the runway and Heidi brings out the models. Since they didn’t use the models last time, once again there are too many, so the stupid button bag comes out and two girls will arbitrarily be sent packing again. I hate this, it’s really unfair (and in retrospect, this will happen AGAIN next week. If I were a model, I’d boycott this stupid show.) and in the end, everyone sticks with their previous model. Kayne is the last to choose and he sticks with Amanda cause she “sayls it on the runway.” She comes backstage and does a little victory dance and it’s so awkward because no one is celebrating with her.

Uli’s model interviews that “she’s been consumed with the competition and she feels like she (quote marks in the air with hands) DESERVES a lot of things. Ooh, more model bitching and less Jeffrey screentime. I bet these girls are totally grating one another’s nerves, especially because they’re sitting around for ANOTHER week with nothing to do. Oh BTW, Danielle and Alexandra are out.

Heidi says they’ll be designing an outfit for a hip, international jet-setter. Jeffrey says he hopes it’s himself, the embodiment of hip jet-setting and Kayne thinks it’s TARA REID? Oh Kayne honey, showing your (badly done) boobs all the time does not a jet-setter make. You really are from white trash, aren’t you?

Back in the workroom, Tim Gunn tells them they will be designing for themselves and modeling their own look, so the models won’t be back til the next challenge. They have $75 (Project Runway, how cheap are you this season?!) and one day to complete the look. 15 minutes to sketch! The designers muse about what they think jet-setters are or need (tons of money, Paris Hilton, rock stars, non-wrinkling fabric that travels well). Jeffrey says he’s making a jacket, tight pants and a t-shirt. I just don’t remember last season being so ambitious. They acted like it was torture if they had to make a freaking sleeve, and this season everyone is making capes and coats every episode. Hmm. Jeffrey’s sketch shows his next tattoo plan, Huge Dot & X Out The Face. I’m down with that.

At Mood, Kayne is picking out the gayest print ever, it looks like a big butterfly wing, and while he’s draping it over some guy at Mood, the dude looks mad uncomfortable with it. Tim Gunn makes a face at the fabric. Jeffrey says it’s “LIberace goes to Vegas” and I can’t really disagree with ol’ NeckTat’s evaluation of this one. Michael wants to do “the Hamptons meets the Hood” which I’m excited to see.

Back in the workroom, Laura says there’s an “Uli explosion” and there are seriously like 12 different loud prints laying on the table. Uli wants to make party dresses that will still look good if she wants to “get vasted” haha I love her accent. Angela talks about her cousin the hillbilly jet-setter and I get really worried for her future on this show. Meanwhile, Vincent is prancing around in his underwear.

He says if it was up to him, he’d just show up to work in boxers every day, and who’s to say this won’t become a regular thing? Vincent, we already have to see your exposed chest hair every week with those button down shirts you don’t button. Please. Spare us. He at least has a reason for not wearing pants—he’s tracing them to make a pattern. Oh, and the giggling is back.

Meanwhile Jeffrey is tormenting Angela, talking about how he designed the ugliest dress for the most difficult person last week and blah blah blah quack quack quack. Angela is all, “enough already, if you want to talk to me, look at me!” Jeffrey goes, “I get so f*cking frightened when I look at you.” Dude. Are you not THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD? Seriously I know twelve-year-olds more mature than this. You’re on national television, have some decorum. Angela and Jeff spit back and forth for a while and Jeffrey is really an asshole, “Don’t give me those weird, sad eyes.” He is so degrading. Laura interviews that she’s glad she isn’t involved because there’s no time to be dicking around on a one-day challenge. Jeffrey is all, “The madder she gets, the better I feel! She’s feeling the pressure!” Angela, you are way too passive. Go kick his skinny ass with those big stompin’ boots of yours! This dude is clearly a poser—you don’t see him picking on Michael or Kayne or anyone that would actually stand up to him. I just hate this guy.

Tim Gunn comes around and visits everyone. Jeffrey is making a rock-n-roll blazer with some kind of purple fabric. Tim says it’s not boring. Laura appears to be making The Infinity Dress which proves I’m soooo ahead of the curve and on-trend and all those other dumb sayings. Ha. Kayne’s putting that awful print on the shirt and it looks like a big butterfly wing. Tim tells him it’s looking pretty Elvis and Kayne’s down with that. Michael is making something with seersucker and talks about a motorcycle jacket (out of seersucker? but I trust him so go on with your bad self). Angela is working on the pants and Tim tells her it’s a little Holly Hobby. Angela says, oh that’s okay I like Holly Hobby. Sheesh. Holly Hobby, not the first thing that comes to mind when someone says hip, international jet-setter. Laura says she stuck a rosette anywhere she could think of and sure enough, there are FLOWERS made from them ON THE BUTT. Yeah that’ll be comfortable sitting in an airplane seat.

She also did some kind of hideous topstitching detail on the crotch. Oh Angela. Stop hurting that fabric. Jeffrey tells Uli hers is so simple and she’s all, “shut up punk, if you tried to do color like this you’d make a clown costume.” Jeffrey finishes early and of course informs everyone that he’s a big contender for the win. Just like every week.

Back at Atlas Michael is giving Kayne modeling lessons and I must say this is definitely one of my favorite scenes on any season of Project Runway. He is so cool. I just want to be around him and absorb some coolness. The next day Angela leaves Atlas in bubble skirt #24. In the workroom Kayne is hot gluing something on the shirt. Eesh. They get an hour for hair and makeup. It takes roughly seventeen people to blow out Angela’s mass of hair. Jeffrey calls Kayne’s outfit a “bungle” and Laura says it’s just tacky, not high fashion.

On to the runway! Vincent shows up in black pants, a grey v-neck sweater and flip flops. The neckline doesn’t even appear to be bound. Way to have a point of view, Vincent. I totally want to invite you to my hip, jet-setting party.

Next Jeffrey comes down the runway, but not before giving us a big Sig Heil! from behind the screen!

He comes out in a tight, shiny blazer that looks like it cost way more than $75, but the rest of the outfit is just bad Hot Topic sales rack. A black t-shirt with a rhinestone skull & crossbones (was there a BEDAZZLER in the workroom?). They wouldn’t even try to sell that to the misguided fat chicks at Torrid. Rock stars would not wear this. Also the pants—nice crotch staples. Ugh, no attention needs to be drawn to that area.

Angela is looking haggard. The first thing I noticed though, was that she has really great legs. She should quit hiding them under ugly bubble skirts and combat boots. She looked really uncomfortable, the pants were wrinkled (I can barely sew but even I know that linen wrinkles horribly, bad choice) and the shirt is showing her bra AND makes her look pregnant from the side. Ouch.

Laura looks stunning although the fabric is a little too close to her skintone for my liking. Michael, you are so hot. He did this really cool take on a white button down and the seersucker cargo pants, oh my gosh, so cool. He also can definitely walk that runway. Take me to your hood, Michael. Seriously.

Next up was Elvis & Elton John’s lovechild. I wish yall could see the back of this shirt. It is a big butterly wing. Also the pants - BELLBOTTOMS. Also the rhinestone belt spelling his own name and A WALLET CHAIN. Oh Kayne. You’re hurting Amber. Uli looked a little stiff on the runway and everyone’s gonna say oh wow another sleeveless dress with no booby support but you know what, I love Uli’s design aesthetic. It’s earthy without being hippy-dippy, and this girl knows color like no other. I loved the dress.

Heidi introduces the judges, Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and Francisco Costa from Calvin Klein. They ask each designer where they’re going with their look. Uli’s taking the dress to parties and can do it with flip flops or high heels. FC tells her it’s over the top, and he’s wiping his eye, it looks like he just woke up from a nap or something. MK and Nina both like it but they’ve seen it before and they wanna see something else.

Angela says she made hers with “fun Angela details” and MK busts out the Bitchy Face. Now I can express displeasure through facial expressions like nobody’s business, but MK is totally my idol. He has some mean faces, that is for sure. He says it’s the worst fabric possible. FC is again wiping his eye! Wake up bro, you’re on TV! And says that linen doesn’t travel well. MK says she’s a mess just standing and that if she wore this traveling she’d look all homeless.

Laura says she’ll be traveling for parties worldwide in this dress but FC says the knot in the back looks uncomfortable. MK says for her that she could totally put the knot in the front and then everyone likes the dress.

When Heidi asks Jeffrey where he’s going he’s all, “Is it NOT APPARENT? Of course I am a real life rockstar who will be first on the jet and then the jet will have to wait while people calm down just from being in my presence, etc. etc.” And Laura is all, listen to this bullshitter, I would SO get you kicked out of first class.

He talks about how he used to be a touring musician and he’d be wearing this on his world tour. Jeff, I checked out your band. First of all you were the bass player (with apologies to bass players—dispensable), second of all, your band sounded like a boring ass Silverchair/Pixies ripoff. I almost fell asleep sampling these tracks. Your big hit was about how hard it was not living at home with your parents. Go cry me a river, rockstar. Anyway FC says it’s great, Heidi says it looks expensive, NG thinks it’s current and happening now. I am thinking the crotch staples probably aren’t comfortable for traveling, but whatevs.

Vincent says he went for comfort with cotton and jersey. Heidi calls it safe. FC says it’s an intelligent solution to the lifestyle (I so don’t see this outfit at any party). NG says it’s not impeccable and MK tells him it looks like the pajamas they give you in first class, that there’s no attitude or twist. Vincent is all, I AM THE TWIST. Oh lord.

Michael’s going to the Hamptons for P. Diddy’s party and he thinks white is fresh and clean clean. FC says it’s smart, he loves the shirt. Michael says the pants are so cool and seersucker was a great fabric choice for someone who is traveling.

Kayne gives a speech about how he’s running from the paparrazzi in his outfit. NG straight up makes fun of him being an Elvis impersonator suspended in time. MK says it’s well made, but a well-made costume. Heidi tells us that there will be a winner/auf but not tonight. They’ve got plane tickets waiting at Atlas and have an hour to pack and travel in their outfits.

They get to the airport and the kiosk says they’ll be going to Paris. Kayne’s never been out of the country. Laura’s totally bored with Paris for the 20th time, but stoked about flying first class. They get on the plane and Tim is there to do another big fake Project Runway champagne toast. I’m sick of these. OH LOOK WE ARE TOAST-ING.

They arrive. Everyone’s stoked. They get to Parsons Paris. Everyone loves the workroom but Angela is all, “Windows! Light! I feel like I’m in a garden!” Vincent rolls his eyes for like five minutes and I don’t blame him. Uli wonders why there’s only six work tables and Jeffrey tells them because someone’s not gonna be working here. The suspenseful music starts and Tim Gunn comes in with Catherine Malandrino who I assume is a big French designer cause I’ve never heard of her. Jeffrey totally has a crush on this lady. Tim says in a few minutes, someone will be out. Well that’s mean. They just got there, can you calm down for a second?

Tim says they will combine the runway scores with Catherine’s score and that will determine who’s in/out. They have to walk back and forth in the workroom and model their freshly-traveled outfit.

Angela goes. She’s wrinkled but doesn’t care cause “she’s not a pressed gal.” Everyone else’s outfit traveled fine.

Tim is now filling in for Heidi and I wish he was on the runway every time. Laura’s in. Vincent is in. The winner was “a tough decision between a hip hop star and a rockstar” but Jeffrey wins. He also predictably interviews that he feels validated and he should have won a bunch of other challenges. He also is all, “God is alive and well and working in my life” and I’m like hold up a minute Brother Jeffrey when he finishes with “he’s not all drunk like last week.” Ugh, this guy.

Michael is in. Uli’s in. The french lady gets all mean with Kayne and Angela, who both look really constipated.

She tells Kayne he looked ridiculous, like a FAKE pop star (yeah not like a real one with a bedazzled t-shirt). Angela is just coming from another planet and IS NOT A JET SETTER. Angela is out. Kayne’s in.

Jeffrey immediately interviews that he’s ecstatic Angela is gone. She’s not a clothing designer, she’s a macaroni-gluer (as opposed to rhinestone gluer). Michael is sad to see her go. Kayne gives her a bye, darlin.

Angela interviews that she learned you have to know who you are and not let others’ opinions rattle you. Including mine about showing off your legs, cause kids THE BOOTS ARE BACK.

24 August, 2006
Project Runway—Episode 7

Episode 7—Everyday Woman: Also known as the episode where I change my mind and actually like Vincent. We start out at Atlas with an all familar sound, the whining of Jeffrey. He complains for a while about Angela still being around and that his best friend Alison is gone, so now NO ONE and I mean no one laughs at his jokes including when he goes, “Whatever, it’s not summer camp,” and huffs out the doorway. Poor, poor, angry Jeffrey. Keep up that whiny attitude and you’re gonna get an ulcer, I swear it. Michael talks about how winning two challenges in a row was great and he grinned so much that he “grinned himself a headache.” Is that not cute?

Back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers their challenge will be to design for the everyday woman. She brings out the models, but lo and behold, they are not models, but MOMS! Okay and sisters. But mostly moms. Angela freaks out and is all, “Moooom!” and sounds exactly like one of those rich girls on My Sweet Sixteen or whatever that show is called. “Mooooom!” I love it.

Robert’s sister has come all the way from England. Laura sees her mom and starts crying. It’s actually touching and I really like Laura again after all the bitching in the last episode. Jeffrey’s mom is there and looks pretty normal except for the eyebrows, which I’m thinking Jeff’s tattoo artist probably zapped on between neck-tat breaks. They’re pretty severe. Laura quips, “I thought she’d have a mohawk!” The moms and sisters introduce themselves. Everyone’s mom is there except Robert and Vincent, who have their sisters. Heidi tells everyone they will be designing for these women, but they must choose someone who is not their mom or sister. Jeff gives us an off camera “wah-wah.” Oh Jeffrey’s not satisfied with something happening on the show?! Color me shocked. They pair off like this.

Michael: Robert’s sister, Teresa
Laura: Jeffrey’s mother, Pam.
Vincent: Uli’s mother, Heidi.
Angela: Laura’s mother, Lorraine.
Kayne: Michael’s mother, Pamela.
Uli: Kayne’s mother, Judy.
Robert: Vincent’s sister, Patricia.
Jeffrey: Angela’s mother Darlene.

Jeffrey says of course he got Angela’s mother because “God was drunk that day.” No sweetie, it’s called KARMA. And she’s a bitch, not drunk. Back in the workroom, they greet their mothers and it’s all really sweet. You can tell Uli was really happy to see her mom. It was pretty touching, seriously. I’m sure taping the show is mentally exhausting and just being around Jeffrey 24/7 is enough to give anyone a case of chronic stress and fatigue, so seeing family must have felt really good.

Tim invites everyone to a special event hosted by the guest judge and they all leave the workroom. They arrive at Tavern on the Green and who is there but my good buddy Michael Kors and HIS mother, Joan Kors. Joan looks like Michael’s sister, not his mother. They seriously are twins, look.

Also from here on out Joan Kors will be referred to as JK. MK and JK. The K Twins. She even borrowed one of his black blazers (thank god he does have more than one, I was thinking that one he wears every week was probably starting to get a LITTLE stiff. And stinky). Michael tells them that his mother has been a huge influence on how he thinks about people getting dressed even if she thinks he’s a little crazy sometimes. Everyone sits down to eat and the moms of course bust out the embarrassing childhood photos. Turns out Kayne used to be a little fat kid and lost 110 pounds. Jeffrey’s mom confirms my suspicions that a few years ago Jeffrey was a huge twerp. A few years ago? What am I saying? Well what I’m really saying is some things never change, they just get neck tattoos and hair dye.

Jeff, this explains so much. I’m sorry you probably got beat up a lot in high school. It’s sad. Really. Jeff’s mom interviews that Jeffrey is a recovering alcoholic and she’s soooo proud of how he turned out, and she tears up. Wow Jeff, mom just outed you and all your business. Dang. Laura and her mother are sitting with the K Twins and MK tells JK that Laura has FIVE CHILDREN, to which Laura replies, “And I’m workin on my sixth.” Her mom looks like she’s choking on her champagne, and it’s clear that she didn’t know. Laura apparently just found out she’s pregnant and hasn’t even told her husband yet. Whew! Tim rounds everyone up and it’s back to the workroom.

The challenge is to design an outfit that will fit their day-to-day lifestyle that’s fashion forward and shows their point of view as a designer. They have 30 minutes to consult with their client and one day to complete the challenge. Robert tells Vincent’s sister about his Boring Complex, and is it okay if he sends her out in head-to-toe zebra print with a sign that says, “Stop Picking On Robert!” Laura’s mom wants an Audrey Hepburn vibe and Angela knows that she can SO do Audrey. Her and Audrey are tight. Kayne picked Michael’s mom because she was wearing the most colorful, sparkly outfit. He interviews that he used to be 310 pounds and could never find clothes that fit right or were stylish, so he’s ready to make something good. Vincent says that Uli’s mom has a “European air” about her, and DUH VINCENT SHE IS GERMAN. We see Laura measuring Jeff’s mom and she’s all nervous about someone knowing her hip measurement. She tells Laura she just got back from a cruise and hasn’t eaten for FOUR DAYS. She says this like three times and hello, lady. No one thinks you’re fat so please shut up. Laura’s all, let’s just make a cruise ship outfit.

Jeffrey is clearly pissed that he has to be within 100 yards of Angela’s mother. She tells him she likes deep purple and green, and he interviews that he can’t design for a big fat woman. The whining is off the charts at this point. Angela’s mom wants a fitted jacket (LISTEN TO HER JEFF) and Jeff says there’s not enough time. He’s being really ugly to her and making it clear that he hates her. She’s like, “I’m sorry for existing, I feel like I’m limiting you.” And Jeff interviews that he just hopes he can come up with ENOUGH. You know like enough FABRIC to cover her big fat ass. Do they even have that much at Mood? GOSH.

They didn’t mention it on the show, but they have $150 for this challenge. At mood Uli talks about slimming down Kayne’s mom with a print and Jeffrey is buying navy blue and periwinkle which I don’t recall his client asking for. Back in the workroom, Laura interviews that there are a lot of stumped designers and they don’t know how to design for a larger woman besides the default muumuu with a colorful jacket on top (apparently Laura DOES know something about the choices available in plus size clothing, HA!). Robert and Jeffrey are BOTH whining about how they don’t understand proportion on big bodies. Vincent interviews that having these women in the room is making some of the designers uncomfortable because they aren’t a model with a 25” waist. He says too bad, compensate and deliver to real women because THEY are the ones wearing your clothes. Bravo, Vincent, and this is when my little black heart starts to warm up to you. While two designers have made it clear that they design for fashion models and don’t care or understand how their clothes will look on a normal body (much less a large body), here’s someone who IS conscious about it. Yay, Vincent.

The models come in. They talk with the designers and look at progressing outfits. Tim comes over to Angela’s mom (Jeffrey is nowhere to be seen) and asks her if she likes where the design is going. She answers honestly that she thinks the colors are matronly and she’s never worn powder blue, so she was kind of shocked he picked it. Jeffrey comes up and is clearly pissed that Tim is daring to hold a conversation without his permission. He gets really defensive and is all, “YOU PICKED THE COLORS,” which of course she didn’t. He interviews that she was “setting him up” and ugh, I hate this little turd. Seriously grow some balls and take responsibility for your design. Everyone is not out to get you, you moron.

He starts berating Angela’s mom and is all, “I don’t even want you standing near my table!” What’s with all the verbal restraining orders this season, good lord. Jeff goes, “Look, I’m gonna make the dress I’m gonna make. I hope you like it, but if you don’t, there’s nothing I can do about it, too bad.” She’s like, “If the design isn’t what we talked about then why are you treating me this way?” And Jeffrey busts out with many dudes’ favorite comeback in an argument, “What? How am I treating you? Tell me how I’m treating you!” And this would be the point where my mom would have eaten Jeffrey for lunch. And what an insubstantial snack it would have been. They argue some more, Jeff tells her she has insecurities and he leaves.

In the sewing room he’s like, “That crazy bitch was telling Tim Gunn she doesn’t like my colors!” Jeffrey, it’s called having an opinion, but knowing ol’ Jeff, anytime a woman has an opinion, she’s a “crazy bitch.” I’m seething. He says it’s very appropo, because he doesn’t get along with her daughter so why should he get along with her?

Meanwhile Angela is trying to comfort her mom and instead of flipping out about it, she’s really diplomatic about it, “That’s just typical Jeffrey, mom,” whereas I would have been in the other room feeding him his own shirt if someone had talked to my mother that way ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Angela’s mom gets upset. She cries. Angela cries. Jeffrey’s mom comes in and makes excuses for him like I’m sure she had to do all his life. SHE cries. Total Women Crying Because of Jeffrey This Episode: THREE. Nice going, dude. I’m sure your baby’s momma is proud. Jeffrey says it breaks his heart that his mom is crying because she can’t believe that he was a suicidal junkie and now he’s a bigtime whiny reality TV star.

Back in the sewing room Angela expresses displeasure with Jeff and he’s all, “She was going out of her way to embarrass me and make me look bad and I won’t stand for it!” God this dude is paranoid. Tim ASKED her, Jeff. Chill out. He’s all, “She’s just an unhappy customer!” And Angela is like, “She’s also my Moooom.” Ugh. Finally the day is over.

The next day they have one hour to fit models and hair/makeup them. There’s still tension between the unhappy customer and the unhappy designer. She changes into the outfit and it’s a long black column with details at the collar. Hey look, Jeffrey made a Fat Woman Dress. Really Jeff, I’m not impressed with your self-proclaimed MAD SKILLZ as a designer because I could dash into a Fashion Bug Plus and grab one of those off the DEEP DISCOUNT rack. It looks awful on her. Well, at least he got her back for setting him up. Fashion revenge! Jeffrey interviews that if he goes home, oh well because there is NOTHING that could have prepared him for the horror of designing for a hippopotamus. There are no fat rockstars in LA, you didn’t know?

Kayne’s mom is really cute and says that it’s every girl’s dream to be on the runway so she’s gonna do it up right. Which includes embarrassing Kayne. Laura hates the outfit Angela made for her mom and calls it basic AND eclectic, which doesn’t sound possible. Off to the show!

Heidi comes on stage and appears to have forgotten her slip. I believe she is wearing white underwear under a black polyester belted, um, SHIRT. Yeah. She introduces the judges, the K Twins and Nina Garcia. Time for the show!

Laura’s mom tortured Jeff’s mom by making her wear a high-waisted skirt and the proportions don’t look good, and that scarf is awful. It’s very old ladyish. Uli made Kayne’s mom a hot outfit. When she was doing it I was thinking, ugh, another FLOWY PLUS SIZE TUNIC but you know what? This is the first flowy drapey outfit I’ve seen that I thought, wow I would wear that right now. The print and stripes look great together, the colors are perfect for her, and the fabric is really diaphanous and expensive-looking. I loved it. If I ever get rich enough, I am gonna call Uli to design me something fierce and fabulous because she knows how to design for a woman’s body. Period.

Vincent’s comes out and WHOA! It’s cute! A black sheath with an exaggerated collar and a tortoiseshell belt buckle. Uli’s mom looks hot. Nicely done, Vincent. He interviews that it’s the most heartwarming show he’s ever participated in. Indeed, Vincent. Kayne’s design for Michael’s mom: eh. The pants are too big and cropped, which makes her look shorter, the color is good but why stick all that extra fabric near the neck? I’m not into it and I really wanted the ex-fat kid to wow me. Darn.

Angela’s design for Laura’s mom was weird. It was a really basic black shirt and pant with a shawl or something tied around the waist. There was fringe everywhere and it looked like she wrapped a bad lampshade around her center. I was wondering in what world Audrey Hepburn would have let fringe come within arms length of her body. Probably NONE. Robert. OH ROBERT. This is DEFINITELY straight off the Catherine’s sale rack. Plus size women everywhere shuddered as we realized that men like Robert and Jeffrey are the ones designing clothing for us. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN A TENT. No one. Take note, designers. Take note, fat women. Putting tons of voluminous fabric on a large body makes it look, guess what, LARGER. I hated Robert and what he did to Vincent’s sister. She kept fidgeting with the scarf too. It was just bad. Hey, Patricia, tell us what you REALLY think of the outfit.

Oh honey, I agree. You don’t even have to say a word.

Michael’s design was a reversible shirtdress and Robert’s sister worked it. Something about her looks really severe, though. Like I wouldn’t want to mess with her at all. Angela’s mom comes out and ugh. It’s another tent with some stuff by the collar and he’s put a black vest over it? A navy dress and a big black vest. It’s hideous. To her credit, she worked the outfit. But nothing could save THAT dress. Bad. I know right now the executives at Catherine’s are scrambling to get Jeffrey and Robert’s phone numbers. They’re totally gonna collaborate on a new line of tents for fat women to wear. “Can you do back vents in the jacket? Oh you don’t have enough time to make a jacket? Well that’s okay, muumuu it is.” Ugh.

At least Robert wore the same color. You know, for solidarity.

Heidi calls out Michael, Kayne, Uli, Vincent and Robert and sends the rest backstage to wait. The judges love Michael’s design and that it’s reversible. Uli said she wanted something energetic and colorful, with stripes to elongate her body. MK says it’s understated and chic and that the fabric hangs well, because when you’re designing for plus sizes, you need a lot of drape. Uh, WRONG, MK. Watch What Not To Wear and get back to me. Wrapping a blanket around someone has never made them look good. But Uli pulled it off with this one.

JK loves the outfit, Kayne’s mom says she’d wear it IRL. NG says it looks like Uli, but for HER. Kayne made an outfit for a fun day out. NG says it’s too matchy-matchy. MK wants to see some skin and to make her look younger. Heidi Klum talks with Uli’s mom (also named Heidi) in German for a second, and everyone looks a little paranoid that Team Heidi is plotting something sinister. JK says the outfit is appropriate and flattering, all the judges love it and Vincent looks pleased. Uli’s mom is cute.

Robert’s turn and he says something about a kimono cardigan with a glam collar, which was nowhere to be seen, so I was wondering if he remembered the bad outfit he made. NG says the black dress was the easy route and Heidi wondered why not use a print and he should know better. MK says she has personality so why not show it?

The next group comes out and Angela says she was going for casual elegance and Audrey Hepburn. MK is all, Audrey Hepburn? More like Stevie Nicks. Laura talks about going on cruises and making a child’s sailor motif for an adult. Heidi says it’s not flattering and MK says it’s aging her.

Jeffrey says Angela’s mom works at the Salvation Army and she has for tw—oh wait, Red Cross? Right, I just figured this dress was going STRAIGHT to the Salvation Army thrift store, so, little mixup. He says that Darlene wanted to be layered and covered, and I think JEFF just wanted her covered. Probably including her face. Heidi asks Darlene how she liked it and she said a lot was lost in translation and she felt matronly, and she’d walk right by this outfit if she saw it in a store. Good on you, sister. No one should stop for THAT outfit. Jeff whines for a while but I don’t remember what he said cause all I heard was QUACK QUACK QUACK.

JK tells him too bad, it was his objective to make the client happy. MK says he tried but not really, he could tell there was tension because it looked like a confused outfit. Angela says her mom didn’t look attractive and the outfit was embarrassing.

The judges deliberate. Heidi: Who do we love? Uli, Michael and Vincent. Who do we hate? Kayne, Robert (MK snores and rolls his eyes), Laura, Jeff (wacky, lack of communication, MK says it’s Comme Des Garçons goes to the Amish Country. HAHAHA!).

The designers come back out. Michael is in. Laura is in. The winner: VINCENT! And I’m excited for him. Uli is in. Kayne’s in. Angela’s in. Jeffrey and Robert are left and I’m thinking finally Jeff is gonna get what he deserves. Jeffrey, your outfit failed, the client and the judges hated it. Robert, you bored us again, it wasn’t fashion forward and had no point of view.

Robert is out. Crap. Although he did deserve it for that bad outfit. And the little pissed hobbit squeaks by for another week of whining and designing.

Backstage they say their goodbyes and Vincent gives Rob a little kiss on the cheek, which I thought was sweet. I think Vincent took his meds this week because there was not a single sign of The Crazy, and I like him that way. He seems like a thoughtful, sensitive guy. More of that, and more good designing, Vincent! Jeffrey also cries but manages to diss other designers while praising Robert to his mom. Hey Jeff, you made yourself cry, so that’s FOUR people this episode. I do believe you now hold a record. Congrats!

17 August, 2006
Project Runway — Episode Six (AKA Amber gets to rant about fat and fashion)

Episode #6: Waste Not, Want Not—Also known as, A Size Four Model Is Fat. We start out at Atlas, with Michael telling us he was proud of himself and ready to win another challenge, and Vincent talking about cashing in his 401K and quitting his job to do Project Runway, and how he has the talent and construction ability to do this. And also how his wife really encouraged him to go because she was tired of His Crazy.

We’re on the runway and Heidi comes out wearing some monstrosity in blue. I seriously hate 90% of her clothes this season. If one of the designers had made this, Michael Kors would be all, “It looks like a peacock had diarrhea and exploded all over the place!” I blame Macy’s. Banana Republic never would have let this happen. She brings out the winning and losing models. Michael stays with Nazri. Badly dressed Cher goes home. Heidi tells the designers that they’ve had it easy so far, to which Angela blurts out, “NO WE HAVEN’T!” and all the other designers look like they pretty much agree that the challenges have been hard as crap. Heidi says compared to last season, this is preschool and get ready, because boot camp is about to start, pansies.

Tim shows up at Atlas at 5am and I’m envious of how this man can be so awake at such an ungodly hour. They have one hour to get ready, then they’re going on a field trip, but please, no open-toed footwear. Laura puts on her equestrian gear again just in case horses are involved and I’m shocked at the notion that Laura would be seen on national television wearing the same outfit twice.

They pack into the van and Alison says she was humming the song from The Sopranos, and I’m laughing because the filming really does look like the intro from the Sopranos. Let Jeffrey hang out the window smoking a cigarette and you’d be on target. Laura is whining that, “New Jersey looks as awful as ever,” and I want to remind her that we’ve already seen that outfit and I’m bored with her hair, so quit hating on Jersey so much. They get to some type of loading dock and tim says they’re in Newark at the site of their next challenge. They throw open an overhead door and behold, they are in a recycling warehouse. Robert is all, “SHUT UP, I don’t wanna work with trash!” Yeah Rob, beige linen and ropes are much more exciting, right?

And here is the best part of the episode, Tim Gunn, embodiment of quality, taste and style, in a day-glo yellow hard hat and reflective vest. Ahhh Tim, I loved this. He introduces the dude from Waste Management Recycle America and tells the designers they’ll have two days for the challenge and 30 minutes to source materials. They’ll also get a follow up visit at an art store to buy supplies.

They get to sourcin’ and Laura’s talking about making fur trim out of shredded paper. Laura I liked you at the beginning but you are such a one-note now. Here, I’ll summarize: fur trim, plunging neckline, flattened out hair, knee-length everything. Kayne says that he grew up white trash and he used to go dumpster diving with his sister and basically “spent his life in the tray-ash cay-ans.” And Kayne, we would get along fabulously. Call me. Vincent is