16 November, 2007
Keepin it real

Ooh look at my hardcore bike commuter wound haha. On the left is the bloody, scary-looking wound I found when I got home last night. On the right: actual size. Psh. How dramatic. I have no idea how I did it but I’m constantly whacking myself in the back of the legs with my pedals so I’m not shocked. I still have a bruise on my left leg from the first day I rode in a few weeks ago that STILL hasn’t gone away (probably because I keep whacking it). Is this why people use clipless pedals?

In other news my sewing machine is being held hostage at Tidewater Sew-Vac for repair and they can’t fix it. Ugh. It’s being sent over to the high priest of sewing machine repair and I’ve been told I’ll get another call on Monday. Sniffle.

22 October, 2007
My first ever bike commute!

I rode to work for the first time this morning! Left my house at 7am, still a little dark out. The sunrise was really gorgeous, the air was cool. On Saturday, I sort of did a test run of the route I was planning on taking, so I knew that most of the ride was okay (I rode my bike to Stockley Gardens art show in Ghent, and biked around distributing posters for Handmade Parade). I have to cross two bridges that are a pain but other than that it was really pleasant.

The worst thing that happened was getting stuck behind a semi truck when I got downtown or catching fumes from cars at stoplights. Not bad at all. And also not being able to find the entrance to the other parking garage at work where they keep the bike rack (it’s in a separate garage where the executives park) - I ended up having to just drag my bike over a curb to get in there.

I also need to practice riding with my panniers full more. It throws my balance off just a little.

The ride was 9 miles and took me 46 minutes. I got a little sweaty but not so sweaty I need a full shower. I think I will keep a blow dryer at work though just in case.

It’s supposed to rain the rest of the week so I don’t know if I should try to ride in or not since I don’t have any rain gear.

Overall I loved it. I feel so invigorated when I work out early in the morning.

15 October, 2007
What will you do?

Did you guys know it’s Blog Action Day? Literally zillions (well, maybe not zillions but you get the idea) of bloggers are publishing posts about the environment today. Helpful tips, or calls to action, or whatever. Me? I’m just going to tell you what I personally have chosen to do, and hopefully inspire some action on y’all’s part.

So here it is. I have decided to stop driving to work and commute by cycling instead. To the tune of around 16 miles per day round trip. Yes I said it.

Yes, this will be a sacrifice in some ways. I will have to get over my fear of getting hit by a car or slamming into a stationery object. I’ll have to plan a little more carefully, get up earlier, spend more time commuting, be cold or wet or sweaty sometimes, probably go to bed a little earlier, probably miss some classes at the gym. But I feel really good about this decision and can see so many benefits.

Why I’ve decided to be a bike commuter:

• I think it will build character and self-esteem.
• I know it will make a positive impact on the environment and lessen my footprint on this planet. There will be less emissions because of me. We’ll lessen our dependence on oil because of me. Bikes don’t drip oil or fluids so there will be less water pollution because of me. A four mile bicycle trip keeps about 15 pounds of pollutants out of the air we breathe.
• I will most certainly enjoy a higher level of fitness and probably boost my weight loss in spades.
• I can fill the gap that has opened now that an injury prevents me from running anymore. When I ride, I feel that same reduction in stress, and I feel connected with my surroundings, something I never feel when I’m driving. I miss that about running. Now I don’t have to anymore.
• I can put off buying a newer car because there will be so little wear and tear on mine now.
• I’ll get to park closer to the elevators than even the CEO and I don’t have to spend ten minutes a day driving up and down seven floors of a parking garage.
• I’ll save $35 per month in parking fees and probably $60 or so in gas.

There are probably more, I’m sure they’ll come to me as I gain experience. I’ve been mapping out a route in my head and thankfully I have a great supportive network of people like my mom and David, who are both huge cycling fanatics (they ride tandem, they do a 50 mile loop a few times per week) and another guy I work with who also commutes and has been really helpful. My mom gave me a gorgeous and super nice Trek bike which she has ridden in road races before and doesn’t use now that they ride tandem. It’s pretty and purple and feels so nice, it’s hooked up with great tires, lights and a speedometer. I was able to give my old bike (which mom also gave me) to Jimmy and now we can ride together. David (who works at BikeBeat as a mechanic) helped me pick out a helmet and some gear, and installed a rack with bags so I can carry what I need to work. I’m so grateful to both of them. I feel like I have the right equipment now and that makes me feel safe and prepared. I want to take a test run this Saturday morning to see how the ride goes, and I will start riding to work next week.

So, today is sort of an environmental action day for you, Internet. I’m wondering, what will you do? Taking action doesn’t mean you have to do something huge. It could be as small as deciding to eat vegetarian for a week or buy organic produce or starting a recycling bin in your kitchen or stop drinking bottled water. So what steps will you take?

As for me, there will be one less car in that traffic jam because of me. Just breathe a little easier and thank me later.

---

Some other Blog Action Day posts I like (I’ll add to this throughout the day):

• 5 Ways to Save the World, While Getting Fitter, Saving Money, Simplifying, and Becoming Happier
• for designers or those who freelance: 29 Simple Ways to Become a More Environmentally Friendly Freelancer
• from Lifehack: You The Consumer
• Items You Never Thought to Recycle
• Exercise with Nature
• The Coolest Green Habits to Adopt Today!
• Crafting for your Community
• Better Living Through Design: Greening The Home
• The Green Challenge

29 August, 2007
I’ll never learn…

No matter how many times I get advice about running, no matter how many times I do idiotic things that hurt myself, I just never seem to learn!

When I decided to restart Couch to 5K to “brush up” on my running, everyone said to not set speed goals, just do the program and then gradually add miles. I ignored them and was determined to run sub-12 minute miles. I don’t know why I’m so concerned with speed or what I “should” be able to do, or what others are able to do. As a fat runner, I’m an anomaly anyway, it’s not like there’s anyone to compare myself to.

After running hard in the running intervals, doing some of them way too fast, and after a weight lifting class where I had already upped my lower body weight, and then decided to go particularly low on the lunges, I have made my left knee very angry at me indeed. It hurts to go up even one flight of stairs. I knew I should not have pushed it so much, but I never listen to myself. Know what happened the last time I was trying to push myself to reach some arbitrary goal? I injured myself while flailing around in the dark, trying to run toward some stupid speed or distance goal, then decided to stop running. Ha.

So here I am back at square one, trying to figure out where I am. I took it easy for several days and didn’t hit the gym or run, just walked with Jimmy and Kyla, and now my knee is feeling better.

I did Week 4 day 1 of Couch to 5K this morning and was determined to not look at my pace on my Garmin. I need to focus on what I love about running – the feeling of my body in motion, the way my lungs feel filling with air, the way my heart beats strong, the joy of being by myself doing something for my body, the accomplishment I feel afterward and the energy it gives me for the rest of the day. Speed might come later, distance might come later, or it might not. I’m not setting any more goals like “I’m going to run X half-marathon on X-date at X-pace.” I’m just going to follow this training program at a speed I can handle, run my next 5K and see what I feel like doing after that.

If it’s training for a 10K, cool. If I start the 10K training program and I don’t like it, I give myself permission to back off and just go back to running 30-40 minutes at a time a few times a week. I’m trying to learn that instead of saying, “I’m going to complete X,” when it comes to fitness, I need to say, “I’m going to try out X.” I’m still new to this, and still getting to know my body.

Finding the right fit isn’t the same as failure.

14 August, 2007
The Perfect Workout Capris

Ladies, I’ve found them. The ones we’ve all been waiting for. At least they’re the ones I’ve been waiting for. A pair of non-wimpy, supportive, comfortable and dare I say sexy workout capris. The Workout Capri Plus by Moving Comfort.

I don’t do shorts, so capris are a must for me. I have several pairs from Target that are fine for going to the gym but really lack when it comes to running or any type of high impact exercise. I have a pair of the QuikWik capris from Junonia that I thought I was satisfied with until now.

I was really impressed with some Moving Comfort technical shirts I bought from Two Roads Fitness, plus my life has never been the same since I got their Maia bra, so when I saw their capri pants I figured I’d try them out. I bought mine from See Jane Run for $41.99.

The pants are true to the sizing chart, close-fitting, and made of SUPER comfortable jersey. These are the first “compression” pants I’ve ever felt supported in. I put these on and I feel like my muscles are somehow stronger. It’s like wrapping your lower half in some kind of protective, moisture-wicking layer of awesomeness.

This may be TMI for some of you but I hate wearing underwear when I work out. The last thing I need to be doing when I’m running or doing an aerobics class is digging a wedgie out, so I just don’t. Well this can get dicey with seams and such, but these pants have a nice large cotton crotch area and I don’t think they’re meant to be worn with anything underneath. Love! They do come up a little higher in the waist than what was described on the site, but it doesn’t bother me, I just feel like i have even more support.

Technical fabrics in workout gear can get expensive, especially for plus sizes but I highly recommend anything from Moving Comfort, especially these capri pants. They are worth every penny!

11 January, 2007
Change of plans

I guess now’s a good time as any to update y’all on the status of my running career. I haven’t brought it up in a while and since a couple people emailed me asking how the training was going I figured I’d post about it.

I’ve decided I am not going to be a distance runner at this time. A few weeks ago after a particularly bad 4-mile run in which I rolled my ankle, fell and hurt my knee pretty badly (I have another scar now, thanks clumsy feet), I started adding up the hours I would have to put in just to get the training runs done for the half-marathon training program. As all of you know, I’m super slow, in fact my pace would not be referred to as “running” by many. A 5-mile training run that would be over in a manageable 45 minutes for many would take me over an hour. Not to mention that on some of the weeks the runs top out at 12 miles. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do not like running that much.

I do not want to come home from work and run alone in the dark for one, two or three hours. There are things far more important to me, like playing with Kyla (she won’t go farther than 3 miles), or knitting, or cooking, or actually socializing with other humans, which I don’t have the time or energy for after a long run.

I felt really, really conflicted about giving up this goal because I hate quitting and I hate not doing something I said I would do. I’m the kind of person who makes a statement and sticks to it. Also thoughts ran through my head many times:

If you quit you’re just going to prove everyone right who said you were too fat to run.
If you quit people are going to say it’s because you’re just fat and lazy.
If you quit it’s all true.

But you know what, I did run, and I still do. I ran two 5K races, which is way more than I ever thought I’d be capable of a year ago. And I run with my dog on a daily basis. I just am choosing to focus on different fitness goals right now.

The gym is about a thousand times more enjoyable to me than running. I love taking group fitness classes, I love pushing myself to see how much power I can get into my moves during step class or how sexy I can dance during Cardio Funk. I know that probably sounds way stupid, but if a form of exercise is bringing me actual enjoyment instead of filling me with dread and thoughts that death itself might be preferable, then I’m not going to pass that up. Running also made me way too tired to do the weight circuit, so when I got weighed and measured after I told my trainer that I wanted to start over with the weights, I had lost weight but actually gained inches. That is not the result we want, people!

Since I recommitted to the gym (the week of Christmas) I’ve been every day they are open. I feel that it’s time well spent. So, that’s what’s up. I plan to run at least two more 5K races this year, but there’s not a half, full or any sort of marathon in my future right now. The end.

20 December, 2006
Women’s Workout & Fitness Center

Check it out guys, the website for Women’s Workout & Fitness Center is finally finished and online! Anyone who fills out the membership survey (it’s really short, like 2 questions) gets a 30-day free trial membership.

Please go visit womensworkoutonline.com and check it out!

(Thanks to Leon Guanzon for the amazing photography).

10 December, 2006
Santa Claus Shuffle 5K

Saturday morning I woke up bright and early to head over to the Norfolk Botanical Gardens to run the Santa Claus Shuffle 5K. The run benefited Children’s Resource Hampton Roads (who sponsors at-risk kids, group homes, etc). It was frigid outside, around 27 or 28 degrees when we ran, which my body did not like very much.

There was a large crowd and a lot of people were festively dressed. An actual elf was in attendance (see foreground above).

I got my race packet, which included a long sleeve tshirt with a Santa on it. I mean it’s a nice shirt, but I don’t really wear Santa shirts. To the gym I guess.

I put on my timing chip and we walked over to the starting line. The crowd was enormous by this time including about three zillion 9 and 10 year old girls wearing matching green shirts. After the race I found out they were from Girls on the Run.

My mom, David, Grace and Maegan all came to cheer me on. They’re the best for getting up early on a Saturday and standing in the freezing cold while I finished the race. I bet they were wishing I’d taken up another sport. Something indoors, like poker tournaments. Or at least that I was one of the 18 minute finishers.

At 9:45 we started. I started way at the back. With the little kids. Most of them passed me.

I wish I were kidding. Sadly, I’m not. (You can see me in this pic if you look.) At one point there was what appeared to be a five-year old girl in a santa hat and a red tutu that was running in front of me. Every time she’d stop to take a walk break, I’d pass her, and apparently that was just the incentive she needed to get a burst of energy and PASS ME AGAIN. Yeah, it’s cool getting passed by a five-year-old. All that training is paying off.

Oh yeah, that’s her. The course was really pretty and wound all through the gardens. Unfortunately it was so crowded on the little paths that I either kept getting run off the road, or the pavement was really uneven and cracked from tree roots (really surprised I didn’t trip), and when I did want to pass someone, the crowd was so thick that I couldn’t.

Mile one I think was like 12:30 something. Mile 2 was 25:42. Since I was running near the little kids, through about 2 miles of the race I got to hear their (extremely hot) coach yell out things like, “Alright girl, you are doing great! Keep movin! Lookin good! Girl, you’re faster than me!” It was great, and I just pretended he was talking to me the whole time. About mile 2.5, I lost them (I finally passed someone!) and simultaneously got a really bad cramp. I blame my cheerleader being too slow. No cheers=cramps. The cramp got bad and I had to walk for about a minute, which made me really aggravated, but I figured I’d still beat my time by at least a minute or two, at the rate I was going. Also both shoes came untied which I had to stop and fix. I need longer laces or something.

By this time I was really hot and wished that I had gone with my instinct and not pinned my number to my hoodie, cause I couldn’t take it off without stopping, which I didn’t want to do again. I headed up the bridge, saw the 3 mile marker and started sprinting. I ran really hard the last .2 and only beat my previous 5K time by a few seconds. A disappointing 39:46 or something like that. I was second to last in my age group, booooo. PS thanks to the dude that cut in front of me right at the finish line (totally unnecessary, there was plenty of room). The finish line photo of me is covered with his big head.

I didn’t even win the Gwaltney ham they were raffling off, which was the real reason I was there, obviously. Also, there was no “best looking runner” prize given out at the end. I was clearly robbed.

I had a good time though and I’m glad I did it, even though it wasn’t the smoothest race in the world. Next report should be January 10th, for the Distance Series 10K. I’ll be running all the Distance Series races, they’re setup to coincide with the marathon/half marathon training for Shamrock in March.

01 August, 2006
Call the paramedics

In a moment of temporary insanity, I decided to sign up for the boot camp class at my gym. It’s Mondays and Wednesdays, 7:30-8:30 (allegedly), for six weeks.

In short, what was I thinking? Was I high?

Here’s my glorious illustration to help make my case for why I was completely nuts to try this class. As you can see, there are five stations, each are clearly labeled. I was too exhausted and defeated by the spinning station to draw a spinning bike, so Google helped me.

So the class starts with a regular ol’ aerobic warmup, no big deal. Then we all go to our stations. There are three people in each group (we counted off before class). I went to the ab station first.

Ab-killing station
50 crunches
25 full situps with the stupid ball in your hands (you have to lift and lower the ball, it’s annoying)
15-second plank (isometrics thing, no big deal cause we do four of these for 40 seconds each in Cardio Funk)
10 each side, some hellish obliques exercise I can’t describe

You do this, and if the instructor hasn’t told you to change stations, you do it again. Luckily since I’m like soooo fit (yeah right), I got to do everything TWICE. At every station, TWICE. Okay time to change stations.

Lunges and quad-hurting station
10 reps: step up on the step with left leg, kick right leg back
10 reps: same thing other leg
10 reps: alternate legs
10 lunges on floor each side. You hold the 8 lb. hand weights during all this.

Time to move again and it’s time for spinning hell. I have never taken a spinning class, but it looks easy. Good lord it is not. Here’s what happens during spinning. There are three positions.

1: regular bike riding sitting down.
2: riding standing up
3: standing up, leaning over handlebars with your butt sticking out over the seat

You have to crank up the tension or the bike will fall over when you ride standing up, which of course makes it harder. The instructor stands there yelling at you, “ONE! TWO! THREE! TWO! ONE!” with about a second in between and you have to keep alternating positions. Oh my gosh. I almost died. Another girl in my group just gave up after about five switches and sat there and rode. I felt like I was going to fall off the bike, but since my feet were strapped into the pedals, I really didn’t want that to happen. So I rode hard. Oh lord. I wanted to die. The instructor was like grinning at me the entire time and I kind of wish the bike wasn’t stationary so I could run over her. Oh, time to switch stations.

Army Football practice
Run the steps
Shuffle back to other side
Run the steps
Weave in and out of cones
Stupid football drill where you run in place down low, picking up your heels (30 seconds)
10 pushups: go from standing, down to a pushup, back up to standing
Run steps in place 25 times each leg
10 “skiing” motions (involves jumping and stuff)

Time to switch again!

Arm-destroying station
15 tricep dips on the bench
15 pushups (on the bench or floor)
15 bicep curls with barbel (I think there was 20 lbs on it)
15 tricep/shoulder lift, I don’t know what this was called

Now it’s time to go to the floor and do kickboxing for about 10 minutes. Yeah that was glorious. Then guess what, time to go back AND DO ALL FIVE STATIONS AGAIN.

After that, we came back to the floor and started doing butt-work. On our hands and knees doing all manner of kicks, knee lifts and other things to kill your hip flexors. Then we did them all again, while crawling back and forth. By this time it’s like 8:45 and I’m thinking surely we’re done, this was only supposed to be an hour.

The instructor busts out with, “Okay ladies, now we’re going to do 200 crunches.” I laughed really loud because I thought she was joking, since everyone was laying on the floor dead. Another lady in the class glared at me and clearly it was not a joke. We then proceeded to do 200 crunches.

And then I went home and died. The end.

24 July, 2006
Allen Stone Memorial 5K

Here are pictures, as promised. Here’s me looking very goofy. Pre race.

People milling around.

My awesome family (sans Mom who was taking the picture) and hot boyfriend who are all very excited to be awake at 7am on a Saturday.

Speedo picture, as promised. This guy did the run-swim-run.

Actual fast runners.

Actual slow runner.

Everyone crowding around to see the results.

Sweaty, ugh. Good times, though. If anyone missed the other post, here are my results.

Allen Stone Memorial 5K—Virginia Beach, VA
July 22, 2006

Chip time: 39:49.50
Gun time: 40:00.35
Pace: 12:54/M

Someone asked what’s next. Well I was going to start right into training for a 10K but I don’t think I will. For now I want to stay where I am (maybe up my 3x weekly runs into 4 miles instead of 3) and improve my time and form and speed, etc. Then once I run a few more 5Ks, start increasing and run a 10K.

Also this post is for all those people who told me I was too fat to start running. Stuff it.

29 June, 2006
It never fails.

Well life is an endless system of checks and balances, I guess. It never fails that when I get a little bit of encouragement and a self-esteem boost, someone else out there has just got to insult me to put me back in check.

I get home from work and to my surprise, have a very nice message from one of the hottest and coolest guys I know, saying he’d read my site and encouraging me about my running/fitness/whatever. I felt good about that. I put on my running shoes and grabbed the dog and headed out to run. It was hot, but I felt good.

I was rounding up the 3 mile loop, about to start walking to cool down, when these neighborhood kids (I guess they’re about 15) ride up behind me on their stupid low rider bikes. I hear one of them shout something but I wasn’t really paying attention. Then it becomes obvious that they’re riding slowly behind me. They start yelling stuff at me about my weight: “Fat ass!” “Big bitch!” “Ohhh, YO! Watch out for the earthquake! Don’t fall in the crack!”

I whipped around and started running toward them, and they zoomed around me on their bikes and rode off really fast. I shouted after them to ride faster. I tried to follow them but I run at top speeds of 6, maybe 7 mph and with all the ground upheaval from the fat-girl earthquake, they just got away.

I was pretty surprised at how absolutely pissed off I got. I mean I was that white-hot, shaking type of angry.

I get stuff yelled at me from cars all the time. All women do. Some of them are insults, some of them wolf whistles, “compliments,” or whatever. After 2 seconds the car is gone, the person is anonymous, life goes back to normal. I guess the difference here was that I know who these kids are. One of them lives about three houses down from me, and they both stand out in the middle of the street with all the other white teenagers who like to appropriate black culture as their own, getting in the way of cars, staring people down and generally being annoying. They see me walk by their house with Kyla every day. They’ve never spoken to me.

And yesterday when they’re A) on bikes, B) away from their house, C) on a street alone with a woman, they decide it’s a good time to harass her. I wanted to go wait for these kids and beat the crap out of them. Seriously. I wanted to find the black kid’s mom and ask her if she likes her son disrespecting women. I wanted to tie them to chairs and lecture the hell out of their stupid butts for a couple hours.

These kids think they’re so entitled. They need a reality check.

The thing I was most pissed off about was that Wednesday is party day at the gym. It’s my favorite class, Cardio Funk (the hip hop dance class), and I look forward to it all week. And now I was going to the gym in a totally foul mood. Good news is, I guess my anger propelled me to work harder in the class and after shaking my ass with a bunch of other hot women, I felt okay. Yeah I was still pissed, but not enough to go find them and run them over with my car.

Now everyone needs to do me a favor. Don’t be those guys. Tell your brothers, cousins and uncles to NOT BE those guys. If a woman is walking down the street, don’t yell things at her. Don’t honk your horn, don’t whistle, don’t do any of that crap. Women never take this as a compliment, no matter what your motivation is.

If you see someone you might like to make fun of or that looks awkward, keep it to yourself and think about what they might be feeling. I’m getting over some of it, but I’m self-conscious enough about how my body moves in space and how I look to others when I’m running. NEWSFLASH ASSHOLES: At least I am out running. Get over your own perceptions of what a fat person should look like or should be doing (not running, I guess?), and just keep your mouth shut.

This goes double if you’re a 15 year old moron whose contribution to society is standing in the street.

Thank you Internet, for letting me vent this. Now I’m over it and won’t need to talk about it again. Tomorrow: three more miles. I think I’m gonna start a running log.

07 June, 2006
Progress.

This is what 30 pounds lighter looks like. Wild, huh?

The person on the left has extremely cool hair and in this picture was the outstanding graduate of the Art Studio department at Old Dominion University. But she was also someone who was poisoning her body with fast food and ignoring the messages it was sending her.

The person on the right has a stupid look on her face, but she can run 2 miles in 25 minutes, is never tired and as of this week has switched to the Core program on Weight Watchers and basically is eating a more healthy diet than 99.98% of the world. She is also extremely sore from the Angles & Curves* class at the gym last night. Ouch.

*deep muscle strengthening class, use barbels, dumbbells, resistance bands & step for weight training. 1 hour.

11 May, 2006
Abject humiliation — 11 activity points!

Internet, we need to talk. I’m a little traumatized this morning and I need a therapeutic release.

Cardio Funk. Two words that should strike fear in the hearts of uncoordinated, rhythmically-inept women everywhere. I can hear you laughing already. Shut up because it gets worse. Much, much worse.

I show up and realize that Cardio Funk is in fact a hip-hop aerobic dance class. My god. For those of you that don’t know me, I don’t dance. There’s a reason for that. Mostly because when I dance, I look like a retarded mongoose trying to fight an invisible snake. And on top of that, I’m majorly self-conscious about how my body moves in space. Why do you think I ban Jimmy from the house when I do Tae-Bo?

So back to the gym. The class begins. It’s apparent who’s been there before and who hasn’t. I quickly decide not to watch the instructor, but this girl in the front row who could dance her everloving ass off. She looked like one of the girls from a stereotypical, mainstream hip hop video. It was serious. I tried to mimic her moves and avoid looking at myself in the mirror at all costs.

The class went on. I sweated. It was worse than Tae Bo. I figured it would be a half an hour class. It became apparent that the class was in fact AN HOUR.

Now, you may recall my previous mention of a “soul train.” I didn’t bother fully contemplating what a soul train might be. I figured at worst, we do a congo line across the gym or some other such cheesyness. Sadly, no. As it turns out, SOUL TRAIN is the time during the workout where everyone lines up on either side of the room, and then one by one, you go across the dance floor and STRUT YOUR SEXY DANCE MOVES.

ONE BY ONE.
BY YOURSELF.
WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES.

Also known as Amber’s worst fear! Thankfully, I was one of the last ones to go. The whole time I’m watching everyone else, I’m weighing the odds. Do I go through 15 seconds of absolute torture that all these women will probably forget five minutes later or do I go down as the annoying pain in the ass who wouldn’t do the stupid sexy dance.

I chose the former. I tried to zone out and think of a happy place. Basically a place where I wasn’t covered in sweat, dressed in an old ratty Victim shirt and ridiculous fat lady workout pants with my hair in a ponytail (so unflattering) and embarassing myself across the gym. I don’t even remember what I did. Before long it was over.

After the trauma, I realized that I actually had a really, really good time. It was an unbelievable ELEVEN activity points (for reference, Weight Watchers wants you to earn 28 for a whole week), and I didn’t feel like quitting or like the world was going to end like I would have if I were on the treadmill or elliptical.

I am going back next Wednesday. Perhaps this class will actually teach me some rhythm and coordination, and I’ll learn to dance. But you can bet your ass I’m gonna have a little strutting routine ready for next week. None of this spontaneous “make up a dance, girl, GO!” crap for me. No thank you.

Jay-Z videos, here I come! Sike.

12 April, 2006
Keep your guard up!

Many moons ago I put the Tae Bo Cardio Circuit DVD in my Netflix queue and diligently burned a copy for myself. Well six weeks later I finally decided to stop procrastinating and just put in the DVD and do some Tae Bo.

As a Tae Bo first timer, I have a few observations:

1. Tae Bo will only be performed when I am alone in the house, to preserve my fragile ego. My movements, to be sure, look NOTHING like the extremely fit people on the screen. Mine look more like a retarded, blind mongoose trying to fight with a snake. Therefore the dog is the only living being allowed to watch me do Tae Bo. Because she keeps her comments to herself.
2. Billy whatever-his-name-is is very motivating, and I felt like a huuuuge dork when I actually started to “visualize the place I wanted to go” and like SORT OF wanted to cheer with the people who cheer like maniacs every time we get to “walk it out.”
3. Okay, okay we GET IT. The lady with the rock hard abs in the front row has two kids, and both were C-section kids. I don’t see any scars on her perfect abs, but I will take your word for it as long as you don’t tell us AGAIN that she had a C-section and “they” told her she’d never have her abs back to the point where they could deflect bullets. We know, Billy. We know.
4. There is no way I will ever kick as high as those people. I just don’t think I bend that way.
5. I will NOT be counting out loud.

Other than that, I am loathe to report that I enjoyed the workout, and will be performing it daily if I can lock Jimmy in the computer room for half an hour, or force him to leave the house. Plus, it equals out to FIVE, yes FIVE activity points for a mere 30 minutes of activity. Add that to the 2 points I get every day for walking Kyla and I’ll be doing pretty good.

Also, I don’t guess I’ve given an official weigh-in update in a while. I’ve lost 15.8 pounds with Weight Watchers so far. Not too shabby. I can’t wait to hit my 10%. To me, that will be big.

24 March, 2006
I, Amber, Took It to the Extreme.

Okay, we need to talk about my muscles. Specifically my quadriceps and whatever the calf muscles are called, because I can’t remember. The muscles we are talking about are all the ones you use when climbing stairs.

Wednesday, my boss had the bright idea to run up and down roughly five zillion stairs during his lunchbreak. Since he knows I’m doing Weight Watchers, he asked me to join him. Lucky me. I foolishly said yes.

We went to the 12th floor (2 flights each floor) and back down. We only did this once. Yes, I was out of breath (fat people get winded doing three or four flights, not to mention the ungodly number we ran). Yes, my knees felt like jello by floor 12, but it didn’t seem like such a big deal. Afterward I walked to the bookstore, ate lunch and read my book.

That evening, my legs still felt a little jello-y but I didn’t think too much about it, just figured that since I hardly ever climb more than 3 flights of stairs, my body was getting stoked that some lazy old muscles were getting used (I never do the stair climber at the gym).

Yesterday morning, I woke up in extreme pain. I’m not talking “sore after a workout” pain. I’m talking worse pain than I can remember having, ever. It was difficult to walk. My knees kept locking, not because of something wrong with them, but because my quads hurt so much, they refused to like, hold up the lower half of my leg. Going up the two stairs in my bedroom to the kitchen just about killed me. My dog looked really confused when I gave up and like crawled up the TWO stairs. I wish I were kidding.

The day went on and every time I stood up from my desk it was like I had to learn how to walk for the first time. Locking knees, total pain and walking verrrry slow. I just kept telling myself, “It will be over by tomorrow, just get over it.” I walked the dog, hoping to work out some of the tension in the muscles. It didn’t help. I can’t even step on and off curbs without wanting to scream.

This morning I woke up and it’s not better. I looked like freaking John Cleese doing the Ministry of Silly Walks trying to walk around my house. I walked to the bookstore on my lunchbreak, hoping to work out the tension. Curbs are still horrible. I am dreading walking the dog again today.

I’m just astonished and slightly embarrassed? that my body is reacting this way to not-that-many stairs. I mean I know I was hauling a lot of pounds up those stairs but good lord. I think I may have damaged something.

Fitness people, help! I need this crap cured, I have stuff to do this weekend and I can barely walk! What do I do? Soak it in salt or oatmeal or guacamole or something? I know one of yall has a cure, and Jimmy is going to just chop my legs off if I whine to him ONE MORE TIME about how much they hurt.

Did I mention they hurt?