23 June, 2008
“Are you not feeling very good about yourself today?”
“Are you pregnant?”
“No, but the night is young…”
Haha. Joy Nash makes me smile. Live your life, y’all.
04 January, 2008Takin it easy
I’ve taking a cue from Kyla and starting off 2008 easy. There’s been a lot of relaxing, many baths, some painting of the fingernails, some re-watching of movies and re-reading of books, lots of being unproductive. This bucks my very nature and there’s always an uncomfortable, squirming feeling as if I should be multitasking, always, all of the time, doing SOMETHING. Even now as I know that my dishes from last night are sitting in the kitchen sink and the living room is a big mess of couch cushions, blankets and throws (slept on the couch last night on a whim), I feel a twinge of guilt. But I know as far as the big picture goes, this is so minor. And extremely silly.
2008 is going to be a year where I am nice to myself. I want to take the time to figure out what I want, not what I think will please others, or what I should be doing with my time, or what will be the Most Maximum Extreme Efficient Use of my Time but just sort of go with the flow. This feels very loosey-goosey hippie karma We Are The World-ish, but it’s something I’ve never tried for any extended period of time and I’m going to go with it.
Lately I have quit Weight Watchers. I started it a few months ago after working for months with a therapist on my eating issues. For the first time in, oh, like, EVER I wasn’t obsessing about food. I was eating intuitively, listening to my body and losing weight slowly but surely. It was so wonderful. My infernal impatience drove me back to Weight Watchers in an effort to finish that project, get it done NOW and faster than everyone else. It drove me up the wall. For about a month, things were great, I lost very quickly, I was encouraged. Then slowly but surely, those obsessive patterns crept back in. People who have dieted will be able to empathize. I couldn’t get my mind off food. I wanted to talk about food all the time, I wanted to taste something all the time. I counted down the minutes til I could take my lunchbreak, get home to eat. Meanwhile I was eating way too minimally during the day then running home at night and, predictably, eating everything in sight. Weekly weigh ins were of course, discouraging. That further fueled the obsessive thoughts. ENOUGH.
It took hearing someone else say that Weight Watchers is such a liar to say that they’re not a diet, they’re a lifestyle before I realized that’s what was causing all this nastiness. I quit. I had to say out loud (even though a bit melodramatic) that I’d rather stay fat than live this way. And it’s true.
I know that going back to eating intuitively (and not by some schedule, and not by how many everloving points I have left for the day or week) will bring my body to that set point that it knows is best for it. I have to trust my body. That simple fact is terrifying to me sometimes. It seems so ambiguous. How will I know if it’s right? What if it’s trying to sabotage me? What if I start eating and just NEVER STOP BECAUSE IT DOESN’T SAY TO? Those fears are all too real, but I know they are unfounded. I know I can do this.
I know lots of people out there struggle with the same things. Eating, food, weight, body image, expectations, how to measure success, appetites, desires, how much is too much, too little, not enough? I think things like this touch everyone but they’re so hard to talk about. Even talking to someone you trust can make you feel entirely vulnerable. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
So I guess I just wanted to post this and open a dialogue. Post anonymously if you want. What are you afraid of? Do you trust yourself, your body? Have you already made the resolution to Go On A Diet in 2008? I wonder if you’d reconsider, and consider being nice to yourself instead. When I’m nice to myself, I find that I want to take better care of myself, which means listening to my body, exercising and finding joy in doing so, being kind to others and being more positive. It’s a natural progression.
Here are two books that helped me learn to be nice to myself and to break some icky patterns with food. They might be helpful to you too.
The Rules of “Normal” Eating by Dr. Karen Koenig
Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth
I hope your first weekend of 2008 is wonderful. Be nice to yourself!
27 November, 2006Happy belated Thanksgiving.
The demon dog says, “Happy belated Thanksgiving. I hope you ate as much turkey and ham as I did.”
This weekend I ate, hung out with family, watched movies, ran, went to the gym and bagged 507 gallons of leaves. See?
Talk about a full-body workout. I didn’t go shopping at the mall or any stores this weekend. My mom and I thought we’d be clever, avoid the crowds and hit up a craft show instead. HA! Apparently 5 zillion other people had the same idea. The pavilion was packed. I had a good time shopping with mom though. She bought me some handmade soap that smells great, and I got some garlic mustard and salsa. Apparently the hot thing this year is bracelets made out of spoons and forks. Don’t ask me, I’m just reporting back.
I didn’t even take any pictures of the Thanksgiving feast, what a bummer. Speaking of food, I’m quitting weight watchers. Yeah, after almost a year on it. It’s not doing anything for me anymore except making me obsessed over the number on the scale, and I have NEVER been that person.
It’s treating the symptom (food) instead of the problem (feeling like a failure when the number on the scale doesn’t go down, and then binging as a result). I need to deal with my relationship with food instead of trying to stick to a diet and being so controlled by a number. I’m sick of it.
It did help me learn about portion sizes and what foods fuel my body most efficiently. Now I know how to eat, and what I should eat. I’m going to work on the issues behind what makes me binge, try to deal with that, and really focus on fitness. I’m committing to this training program for the half marathon, and I’m going back to lifting weights, because I felt the best when I was doing strength training in the summer. I’m gonna do my cardio funk on Wednesdays and rest on my rest days. And the weight will come off. It’s not a race.
Anyway that’s what’s up with me lately. Oh yeah, and a lot of knitting. I need to post pictures of that sometime. What have y’all been up to?
17 August, 2006Project Runway — Episode Six (AKA Amber gets to rant about fat and fashion)
Episode #6: Waste Not, Want Not—Also known as, A Size Four Model Is Fat. We start out at Atlas, with Michael telling us he was proud of himself and ready to win another challenge, and Vincent talking about cashing in his 401K and quitting his job to do Project Runway, and how he has the talent and construction ability to do this. And also how his wife really encouraged him to go because she was tired of His Crazy.
We’re on the runway and Heidi comes out wearing some monstrosity in blue. I seriously hate 90% of her clothes this season. If one of the designers had made this, Michael Kors would be all, “It looks like a peacock had diarrhea and exploded all over the place!” I blame Macy’s. Banana Republic never would have let this happen. She brings out the winning and losing models. Michael stays with Nazri. Badly dressed Cher goes home. Heidi tells the designers that they’ve had it easy so far, to which Angela blurts out, “NO WE HAVEN’T!” and all the other designers look like they pretty much agree that the challenges have been hard as crap. Heidi says compared to last season, this is preschool and get ready, because boot camp is about to start, pansies.
Tim shows up at Atlas at 5am and I’m envious of how this man can be so awake at such an ungodly hour. They have one hour to get ready, then they’re going on a field trip, but please, no open-toed footwear. Laura puts on her equestrian gear again just in case horses are involved and I’m shocked at the notion that Laura would be seen on national television wearing the same outfit twice.
They pack into the van and Alison says she was humming the song from The Sopranos, and I’m laughing because the filming really does look like the intro from the Sopranos. Let Jeffrey hang out the window smoking a cigarette and you’d be on target. Laura is whining that, “New Jersey looks as awful as ever,” and I want to remind her that we’ve already seen that outfit and I’m bored with her hair, so quit hating on Jersey so much. They get to some type of loading dock and tim says they’re in Newark at the site of their next challenge. They throw open an overhead door and behold, they are in a recycling warehouse. Robert is all, “SHUT UP, I don’t wanna work with trash!” Yeah Rob, beige linen and ropes are much more exciting, right?
And here is the best part of the episode, Tim Gunn, embodiment of quality, taste and style, in a day-glo yellow hard hat and reflective vest. Ahhh Tim, I loved this. He introduces the dude from Waste Management Recycle America and tells the designers they’ll have two days for the challenge and 30 minutes to source materials. They’ll also get a follow up visit at an art store to buy supplies.
They get to sourcin’ and Laura’s talking about making fur trim out of shredded paper. Laura I liked you at the beginning but you are such a one-note now. Here, I’ll summarize: fur trim, plunging neckline, flattened out hair, knee-length everything. Kayne says that he grew up white trash and he used to go dumpster diving with his sister and basically “spent his life in the tray-ash cay-ans.” And Kayne, we would get along fabulously. Call me. Vincent is ready to make art. Alison is inspired that they get to work in something other than fabric. Laura is… beatboxing? Yes, she is. Michael looks amused.
They head to the art store with $25 and 20 minutes to grab glue, staples and whatever other embellishment they can find to make their outfit look less like garbage. In some cases, this works. In others, you buy green paint and ruin some perfectly good paper. Kayne, maybe you shoulda used that orange.
Back in the workroom, Tim tells everyone that they only have until midnight. I’m too lazy to rewind back to the warehouse, but I was pretty sure he told them they had two days. Then again everyone looks upset as the caption says 10 Hours To Deadline, so I guess I’m correct. Alison is using a glue gun to “make a voluminous skirt from strips of paper.” I like the graphic elements she’s using, it looks like a bunch of makereadys that maybe a print shop was recycling, and she’s cutting them into strips. Also, I must say, glue gun fashion would be right up my alley. My mom used to say, “The three things I love most in life are my kids, my glue gun and my husband, in that order.”
Michael’s letting the materials speak to him, and letting his construction flow that way. Vincent says he doesn’t own the future, so he just has to “let it come.” Immediately Laura interviews that Vincent is wack and she expects him to crack any day now. “He’s weird,” she says and makes a hideous face in the workroom. I hope someone gets a screengrab of that soon because I want to see it again.
Meanwhile, at the snack table, Robert and Kayne are having a little trash talk session to clear their pretty heads. They pick Laura as the object of their affliction and start dissing on her dress.
Kayne: “The butt says, ‘For Nuts Only.’”
Robert: “I know, it looks like a straitjacket, I think she’s sewing it for herself.”
Kayne: “Did you know she kissed me on the cheek today?”
Robert: “Yeah I was gonna tell you to wash before you get a rash!”
And on and on. I love these two together. Jeffrey says Laura is boring him to tears and that he hopes the judges send her to the guillotine. Then he gets all dramatic with, “Another! High! Waisted! Skirt! (dramatic pause) F*ck!”
Robert interviews, “I recycle. Plastics. Paper. Ex-boyfriends.” Robert I love you. Kayne starts feeling the time crunch and Alison says her outfit started out well, but once she started sewing it, it turned into a nightmare. She tries the skirt on herself and it looks like a slice of R2D2. She decides to start over and make a voluminous skirt of crinkled paper.
Laura interviews that Kayne was the “clear dog in the room” with his huge paper skirt with a green flower painted on it. They cut to the outfit and I agree, it’s hideous. It’s this big stiff paper skirt with an ugly green and blue flower and bottlecaps glued on it, with green paint inside the bottlecaps. It definitely is looking like a summer camp craft project. Kayne says it looked like “a toad exploded all over it” and I think he’s channeling Michael Kors with that one.
Jeffrey is working with newspaper and says he pretty much is going to win. I think he’s said that for every challenge, so I’m dubious. But at this point I’d rather hear the ego than the whining. So. Sick. Of the whining. Vincent says he’s done with his dress and it looks like a plain paper column, except now he’s gluing cut up paper to the front of it. He says he’s painting a picture while Laura says it looks like garbage. Well Laura, considering it IS garbage, you can’t be too mad about that. Vincent calls it a “hot dress” and I’m wondering which planet would make THAT statement besides Planet Vincent.
Tim makes his rounds and checks out Uli’s dress, which is a gorgeous braided thing made of mylar and paper. He calls Jeffrey’s “stunning” and I hate to admit, but it is. Vincent tells Tim that his is “avant garde” and I’m thinking more of “preschooler with ADHD let loose with scissors.” Tim’s a little more diplomatic and tells him it’s too one-dimensional and he needs to do something to the back. Michael’s making a gold bustier and it really is hot-looking. His skirt needs work and Tim tells him to get on it.
Now we get to Alison, and this is where my recap is going to stop being snarky for a minute and start getting downright bitchy. Because right now, I’m highly annoyed with all of them. INCLUDING my boyfriend Tim Gunn, who usually can do no wrong in my eyes. Tim asks Alison, “Isn’t your model a little zaftig?” Alison, not recognizing the tactful word for “fat,” asks, “Um, a little large?” And nods her head. Now at the time I thought they were concerned about the model LOOKING fat, because on the dressform, the outfit really didn’t have much waist definition. But after reading Tim’s blog and listening to his podcast, he says TWICE that this girl Alexandra is a plus-size model. I can’t remember any fat models on the stage, and that is something I would definitely remember, so I decide to go Google this chick and see what kind of plus-size modeling she’s done.
Everyone, please observe OBVIOUSLY PLUS SIZE MODEL Alexandra Donhoeffner. According to her profile on ID Models.com, Alexandra comes in at a squat 5’10”, and a hefty size FOUR. With measurements of 34-24-36, she’s practically cracking the runway in half when she walks. Well. Now that we’ve established her thunderous size, let’s talk about the implications here. If a size FOUR model with a TWENTY-FOUR inch waist is “zaftig” and “plus size,” then what are all the normal women walking around America right now? Never mind those of us who actually ARE plus size.
This, people. THIS is how messed up body image and perceptions of women are in America. Details magazine would have us believe that “fat is back” in Hollywood, and thinks they’re rather enlightened to feature “plate scrapers” and other fatasses such as Kristin Davis and Catherine Zeta-Jones. And they choose to illustrate the article with a PIG. In HIGH HEELS. And a model with a 24-inch waist might as well go hit up Krispy Kreme right now, because she’s about to be banished to a life of modeling for Lane Bryant and Catherine’s. Well, Project Runway, Tim Gunn, Details magazine and all your cohorts have done your industry proud. You’ve officially made women everywhere feel like total crap, and isn’t that the point of fashion?
I take that back. I do believe in fashion, and what it can do for confidence, image and self-esteem. And while I sort of despair for large women every time I see a fat fashion cliche like some stupid sequins glued to the neckline of an otherwise FINE tank top, or something that totally won’t work for fat bodies like the stupid knit gaucho trend, or how Torrid makes their models wear pants two sizes too small so they ALL look awful, there are people out there who do it right, and who know that ALL bodies can look good in clothing. Plus designers like Monif C., Kiyonna and my favorite store Nordstrom understand how to dress large bodies. One of my favorite shows to watch, What Not To Wear, while I don’t always agree with them (thrifting is the deal, and Stacy can get over it!), they know how to dress a figure in a way that accentuates its’ good features. They know how to make any body look stunning, and I think the fact that one garment can make someone look totally awful and another can make the exact same person look vibrant and approachable is amazing. I know this is all beside the point since Alexandra is again, A SIZE FOUR, but I figured I could get my little fat fashion rant in there.
Oh we were talking about Project Runway, weren’t we? Sorry about that. Anyhow, Tim Gunn is still making his rounds. He tells Kayne his is looking like a high school craft project during amateur hour and Kayne decides that ripping off the bottlecaps will help. Not really. He finally decides to trash the whole skirt. Thank God. He now has one hour to make half the garment. We see Vincent throwing hole-punch holes onto his dress, and you know the janitors at Parsons are just cussing him out. Alison leaves worried.
Robert enters the Atlas with, “Back from another hard day at the recycling center.” Maybe I’m the only one, but I think this guy is totally hilarious. I want to hang out with him every day. Kayne interviews that he wishes Tim Gunn would have come in earlier and told him his dress sucked. Please, Kayne, like you didn’t hear everyone in that room gagging when they looked in your dress’ direction. He says that the only way he will win this challenge is if Michael Kors and Nina are hitting the crack pipe before they head to the runway.
The next day, they have two hours for hair and makeup. Kayne tells makeup man that he wants his model to look “not gorgeous” and I will hand it to him, he DEFINITELY accomplished that one. Laura talks about how painful it is to watch Kayne’s styling choices, and then decides to say it to his face on camera.
Laura: “Honey I worry so much about your choices all the time.”
Kayne: “Yeah, well I worry about your character and that’s worse. Besides I’ve won a challenge and was in the top three last time, so you don’t need to worry too much.”
Laura: stammers
Kayne: “I won’t be berated on camera, that’s bullshit!”
I thought Kayne handled her well, but it was kind of like watching a 9th grader argue with his math teacher or something. Angela’s model is eating a lollipop and also drinking a soda while she’s trying to put the dress on her, and amazingly Angela doesn’t flip out on her. Then again, it IS made out of garbage, so okay. Vincent says his dress is a huge canvas of art and it gets him off. Also it reminds him of a child’s drawering. Yes, drawering.
On the runway, we’ve got Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and stylist Rachel Zoe. Let the show begin!
Uli’s looks great on stage. She’s like a shiny little braided cupcake up there. Angela’s is made out of wrapping paper and mylar and reminds me of when you’re trying to wrap a huge present and you can’t do it the normal way because the box is too big, so you have to overlap the papers and THEN you run out of wrapping paper and have to use TWO different kinds, and it just doesn’t look that great. Michael’s is sculptural and hot, I’m loving Nazri’s hairdo and when she takes off the plastic wrap, the gold bustier glitters. This picture does it no justice.
Vincent says his was “art in motion” and again, it “got him off.” Dude is getting all KINDS of off in this episode. I don’t know about art in motion, considering the model couldn’t MOVE in the dress, but you can decide for yourself.
Robert’s was all mylar and actually resembled clothing unlike some of the other designs. The way his model worked the dress, I know he threatened her backstage. I can see him grabbing her by the hair and with gritted teeth being all, “If you DARE to bore Nina Garcia, I WILL cut your hair for real this time!” Thus, we get THAT facial expression from the model as she practically softshoed down the runway.
Jeffrey’s was the newspaper dress with a pretty bodacious blue and yellow palette and a trompe l’oiel belt. It actually moved like fabric when she walked. I’ve gotta hand it to old neck-tat, he pulled this one off. And with minimal whining, even! Take note, Jeffrey! No whining = good outfit.
Here comes Laura’s model, wearing one of Laura’s dresses. Oh wait, no this IS recycled material because the ass says “For Nuts Only.” Yep that model’s ass just told a joke. I was waiting for Heidi to say, “Your lady looks like she’s going exactly where you’re going.” And you know where that is? Land of nonexistent cleavage.
Alison’s looked modern and deconstructed, and I loved the paper folding around the waist and the asymmetrical back. Not crazy about Alison taking over bubble skirt duty this week (do we have to see one EVERY week?) but the dumbass HAIR BOW (as in Bow Made of Hair) ruined the outfit. It looked straight up stupid. Bad choice, Alison. Bad choice rivaling Santino’s deer makeup.
Kayne’s looked straight up TACKY from the styling to the silhouette. First of all, the makeup looked like the model had been punched in the eye. The hair was frizzy, and if any outfit made a model look fat, it was this one. Check it out from the side! Sexay!
Heidi of the Lion Mane Hair calls out Alison, Kayne, Laura, Vincent, Michael and Jeffrey. Angela, Uli and Robert are safe.
Michael says he let the materials act like fabrics, plastic as organza and peanut sack as linen. They call it avant garde, chic and MK tells him he understood the meaning of innovation. Vincent talks about confetti before MK tells him the clothes didn’t move. Vincent AGAIN lets us know that the outfit turns him on, and MK makes the bitchiest face ever. Vincent keeps interrupting the judges and NG is basically, “Dude, she can’t walk in it.” Laura says her outfit was an “elegant joke” and the judges like the simplicity and the flower placement.
Kayne talks for like half an hour before he runs out of breath and finally NG can blurt out, “IT LOOKS LIKE A BAD COSTUME.” RZ tells him “you just have to stop” and MK says he “stepped over the boundary of taste.” I’d say that pretty much sums it up. Jeffrey’s turn and NG loves the shape, they all love how it looked and moved like fabric, the belt was great and MK tells him he has an ugly-beautiful aesthetic, which I guess is a compliment?
Alison’s turn. Ugh. Heidi says it looks HUGE and that the model looks like Minnie Mouse. She chastises her for not thinking about what’s best on the model, and says “she looks like a plus model and it’s unflattering.” Michael Kors is apparently also thinking about fat women and food, and compares it to a crumpled dinner napkin AND a paper brioche. Nice. Alison looks devastated and I’m sure Alexandra is getting ready for her 10-day fast. Nice job, assholes.
The judges confer and gush over Michael and Jeffrey some more. They say something about Vincent’s looking like a refrigerator and Nina compares Kayne’s to a bad science project. Alison’s was a head to toe nightmare and Heidi calls the model “fat Minnie Mouse.” Seriously, Heidi, STFU. Remember that blue dress you were wearing earlier? Also you’re pregnant and will be getting “fat” again shortly. Quit making me hate you.
The designers are back. Laura is in. The winner is Michael again! They loved his innovative point of view. He goes backstage and Angela’s Fourth Bubble Skirt of the Season rejoices with him.
Jeffrey is in, and just barely missed the win on this challenge. I’m feeling semi-okay about Jeffrey at this point, until he has to be a total player-hater and say that Michael’s outfit was “the equivalent of diabetic food. No flavor.” Ahh, well the whiner didn’t stray too long. Good to have you back dude. Kayne is in, but just barely.
And now I start to get nervous. Heidi says Vincent’s dress was stiff and over the top, and he walks a thin line between innovation and insanity. Alison’s dress was unflattering from silhouette to styling, and she’s surprised that a female designer would be so careless with the female form. This annoyed me to no end. No one ONCE said that to Santino when he was dressing his model up as a float in a parade and made ZERO body-conscious outfits. But because she has a vagina, Alison is out. Vincent squeaks by for another week of Crazy.
She goes backstage and It’s extremely sad. Laura is clearly angry and starts lashing out at Vincent about how the model couldn’t walk. Vincent tells her to stuff some Harry Winstons up her nose, and I’m confused until my friend Christopher tells me they’re diamonds (I thought they were cigarettes?). Kayne tells them to quit bitching and enjoy Alison for the last few minutes. Everyone cries and hugs. Alison’s exit interview is very upbeat and she says “her clothes will be popping up all over the place.” I like this girl.
This whole episode made me a little incredulous with all the fat model talk, and next week they’ll be designing an “outfit for the every day woman” and we see a decidedly not-size-zero silhouette coming up behind the runway backdrop. Is next week a plus-size challenge? Psh. If so, they better be padding those models’ scrawny frames or I will be boycotting this show and you’ll have to wait til the following TUESDAY of each week to read the recap on Television Without Pity. And that WOULD be a pity.
08 August, 2006Thank you.
Does the sun ask itself, “Am I good? Am I worthwhile? Is there enough of me?” No, it burns and it shines.
Does the sun ask itself, “What does the moon think of me? How does Mars feel about me today?” No it burns, it shines.
Does the sun ask itself, “Am I as big as other suns in other galaxies?” No, it burns, it shines.
—Andrea Dworkin
From Our Blood
It never fails.
Well life is an endless system of checks and balances, I guess. It never fails that when I get a little bit of encouragement and a self-esteem boost, someone else out there has just got to insult me to put me back in check.
I get home from work and to my surprise, have a very nice message from one of the hottest and coolest guys I know, saying he’d read my site and encouraging me about my running/fitness/whatever. I felt good about that. I put on my running shoes and grabbed the dog and headed out to run. It was hot, but I felt good.
I was rounding up the 3 mile loop, about to start walking to cool down, when these neighborhood kids (I guess they’re about 15) ride up behind me on their stupid low rider bikes. I hear one of them shout something but I wasn’t really paying attention. Then it becomes obvious that they’re riding slowly behind me. They start yelling stuff at me about my weight: “Fat ass!” “Big bitch!” “Ohhh, YO! Watch out for the earthquake! Don’t fall in the crack!”
I whipped around and started running toward them, and they zoomed around me on their bikes and rode off really fast. I shouted after them to ride faster. I tried to follow them but I run at top speeds of 6, maybe 7 mph and with all the ground upheaval from the fat-girl earthquake, they just got away.
I was pretty surprised at how absolutely pissed off I got. I mean I was that white-hot, shaking type of angry.
I get stuff yelled at me from cars all the time. All women do. Some of them are insults, some of them wolf whistles, “compliments,” or whatever. After 2 seconds the car is gone, the person is anonymous, life goes back to normal. I guess the difference here was that I know who these kids are. One of them lives about three houses down from me, and they both stand out in the middle of the street with all the other white teenagers who like to appropriate black culture as their own, getting in the way of cars, staring people down and generally being annoying. They see me walk by their house with Kyla every day. They’ve never spoken to me.
And yesterday when they’re A) on bikes, B) away from their house, C) on a street alone with a woman, they decide it’s a good time to harass her. I wanted to go wait for these kids and beat the crap out of them. Seriously. I wanted to find the black kid’s mom and ask her if she likes her son disrespecting women. I wanted to tie them to chairs and lecture the hell out of their stupid butts for a couple hours.
These kids think they’re so entitled. They need a reality check.
The thing I was most pissed off about was that Wednesday is party day at the gym. It’s my favorite class, Cardio Funk (the hip hop dance class), and I look forward to it all week. And now I was going to the gym in a totally foul mood. Good news is, I guess my anger propelled me to work harder in the class and after shaking my ass with a bunch of other hot women, I felt okay. Yeah I was still pissed, but not enough to go find them and run them over with my car.
Now everyone needs to do me a favor. Don’t be those guys. Tell your brothers, cousins and uncles to NOT BE those guys. If a woman is walking down the street, don’t yell things at her. Don’t honk your horn, don’t whistle, don’t do any of that crap. Women never take this as a compliment, no matter what your motivation is.
If you see someone you might like to make fun of or that looks awkward, keep it to yourself and think about what they might be feeling. I’m getting over some of it, but I’m self-conscious enough about how my body moves in space and how I look to others when I’m running. NEWSFLASH ASSHOLES: At least I am out running. Get over your own perceptions of what a fat person should look like or should be doing (not running, I guess?), and just keep your mouth shut.
This goes double if you’re a 15 year old moron whose contribution to society is standing in the street.
Thank you Internet, for letting me vent this. Now I’m over it and won’t need to talk about it again. Tomorrow: three more miles. I think I’m gonna start a running log.
26 May, 2006Tick tock
New haircut. Snip snippity and it’s all gone. (Bigger pic here if you can’t tell what’s going on with it.) Thank goodness it’s gone too cause it’s blazingly hot today. Kyle made me walk all the way from my work (which is by Waterside) over to freaking Freemason Abbey for lunch today (it’s far when you’re wearing open toe wedges okay?), and I have blisters. It’s great. Back to the haircut though, Matt did a great job as always. Send him a myspace message and get your hair cut, you hippie.
My house is just one big training camp, all that goes on is dog training, me doing my 5K training program, me going to the gym for weight training and me trying to see exactly HOW fast I can cook dinner and have it still be enjoyable.
I debated whether or not to write about this here, but screw it. If I have to entertain yall with stories about cardio funk and pictures of cute dogs, you get to hear me be real every once in a while too. In case you read a feed, this one falls in the category called Fat. If you came here to read about design or apartment therapy or boston terriers, my apologies. Those of you who know about my struggle with food and disordered eating habits will understand how much these next few paragraphs mean.
I’m afraid I’ve gotten practically utilitarian about food. I still like to cook, and of COURSE I still like to eat, but it’s weird how much my mindset about food has changed in the past few months. I used to obsess over food, agnonize over it. Plan menus for dinner while I was at work. Fantasize about what I would eat when we’d go out for dinner. Think about the weekend and wonder what my dad would be cooking when I went over on Sunday. Food controlled everything. Food was a reason to hang with friends, to go out with Jimmy, to get home at the end of a day.
I used to have this love/loathing relationship with going out for dinner. I would hate to order something off the menu, because I wanted to try EVERYTHING on the menu. I would spend forever deciding what I wanted. I knew that I should order some grilled chicken or fish or a salad, but I would WANT the burger and fries or the creamy pasta dish. I would sincerely feel like I was missing out if I didn’t eat that stuff. It’s hard to describe, and if you haven’t struggled with food to a degree, you won’t get it, but I would have a lump in my throat sitting there worrying that I chose the wrong dish, that what I was about to eat wouldn’t satisfy me or be the Most Tasty Thing In The Universe.
Now I just order what looks good and what doesn’t blow my points. Sometimes it’s grilled chicken or a salad, sometimes it’s pizza. One time when I was starting to internally flip out over the menu, I actually found myself thinking, “You will be full whether you eat the huge slab of meat and fries or whether you eat the grilled fish. You won’t even remember what you ate tomorrow, and you’ll be pooping it out in a few hours, so WHY are you agonizing over this?”
That was my AHA moment. Food isn’t ruling my life these days. I feel like I’ve shaken something off that held my progress back for so many years. Yeah, yeah I was a high-functioning foodaholic, 99.98% of people who know me wouldn’t even know I had that kind of relationship with food (oh, except that I’m fat, but other than that). It’s utterly bizarre to realize that some inanimate object can wield such power over you, no matter how smart, talented or logical you are. Addiction is a weird thing. Breaking that cycle is one of the most empowering things in the world.
I just needed to write that down.
28 February, 2006National Eating Disorders Awareness Week
Hey everyone, happy National Eating Disorders Awareness week! For the past 19 years, NEDAW has been held and is so far the nation’s LARGEST eating disorders outreach effort.
During NEDAW health care providers, educators, social workers, family members, students and eating disorder professionals work to teach people of all ages about the importance of promoting positive body image and to raise awareness about the dangers of eating disorders and the need for early intervention and treatment.
Locally, Here is a list of events Old Dominion University is hosting this week. Events include a jeans drive (get rid of those stupid “skinny jeans”), a body image backtalk wall, talks on mindful eating, images of womens’ bodies in advertising, and several other events.
If you want to get involved with events this week, be sure to visit the NEDAW site. There is almost certainly an event going on at a college campus near you.
If you want more information on eating disorders, self-diagnosis, support, recovery, or how to reach out to friends or family who struggle with eating disorders, I highly recommend you visit Something Fishy.org. It’s an excellent web resource. Gurze books contains a wealth of information for those looking for books or publications about eating disorders.
Thanks to Miss Genevieve for reminding me about this!
