I love this post! I think it's what a lot of us go through, but aren't brave enough to admit it. And you're right about that "no diet" myth. I think that if you're doing something where you're having to think about what you put into your mouth, and how much of it you're putting in, then it's a diet. And I don't personally think there's anything wrong with it, but it seems like that's become a 4-letter word these days.

And yeah, I'm on a diet. Mainly to lose the weight I gained over the holidays - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to lose an extra 10 on top of that. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time when I DON'T think about my weight, and what I'm eating. Why do we do that to ourselves? And what would happen if we just let go?

I am addicted to fast food. Having been adicted to cigarettes before I am familiar with addiction. The fast food addiction feels the same. When I am hungry I crave fast food the same way I craved nicotine. Only greater. This year I am trying to break that addiction. But it is very hard. I've never heard someone else talk about what I feel. People I'm close to don't understand when I try and talk to them about it. It's a frustrating position to be in.

Hey ???
Yeah I was DEFINITELY addicted to fast food, especially during my last year of college. I would binge sometimes three times a day, always in secret. No one ever said anything to me about all the weight I was gaining (touchy subject) but because they never brought it up, no one ever knew what I was doing to myself in secret. It was about so much more than the food though. I decided to get some help. It really really helped me once I realized that what I was doing and had been doing for years was an eating disorder. Once there was an identifiable problem, I could work on it. It wasn't some massive flaw in my character. It was something I could change.

I saw a therapist specializing in eating disorders for several months. It was very expensive but OH MAN worth every penny. For the first time in my life I figured out what was pushing me to eat. For the first time I was able to really feel my feelings or turn to a friend or family member for help instead of stuffing them down with food.

Those two books I posted cover a lot of the same things I did in therapy. I also really recommend you read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. It's what finally made me say NO MORE FAST FOOD EVER and also led me to research more about where food comes from (which eventually was responsible for me going vegetarian).

Be encouraged, there is a way out of all that nasty stuff. It takes a lot of work and it's hard, but you can get there.

One of my resolutions for 2K8 is to not go on a diet, actually. I just want to be healthy, and to kick my fast food cravings. (and expand my vocabulary, but that's another story...)

My main resolution for this year, though, is to always be honest and forthcoming and to say what I want to say when I want to say it. I'm hoping that doing this will leave me with a clean, unworried soul. Maybe a soul that is not burdened with what I should have/could have done will be even more concerned and motivated to get out and help others.

Thank you for posting this Amber.

this post is fantastic, and this discussion needs to be had much more often, but like another commenter pointed out--many don't want to talk about this or just don't understand its intricasies. while i'm not overweight, i have body image and eating issues like this also, because of being formerly overweight and now currently seeing my weight naturally creep up to a point that is probably healthy but all to scary for me to accept. constant thought of food and eating and the oh so often binging. one of my items on my 101 in 1001 days list is to finally come to terms with a lot of these issues and accept what i am, regardless of the societal "norm" the image may be. it's a frustrating, emotional, and difficult task. i wish you luck on your quest! these books may indeed help me on mine.

much love.

I have lost about 15 pounds since last May. I have been using the Cinch Inch Loss Plan from shaklee.com. I am not trying to sell anyone a product. I know it just works for me and each of us is different in what we need to accomplish our goals. I drink a shake for bf and have a piece of fruit, a shake for lunch and then have a snack in the pm and then a regular dinner. Kind of like slim-fast but way better nutrition wise and has tons of protein so I feel full. I needed something to separate me from food. I don't know how else to put it. I think about food way to much, eat emotionally, all that unhealthy stuff. And this plan has helped me de-emphasize the role that food plays in my life. That is the only way I know how to describe it. But I struggle with all the things you mentioned, still and probably will for the rest of my life. I just know that I am afraid of always being 30 pounds overweight and as I get older (I am 30 now) that might only get worse. And now we are thinking about having a baby and I am afraid of being pregnant with the extra weight and how difficult it might be to lose it all afterwards. I try not to think of it just as wanting to lose weight though. I try to think of it as wanting to be healthier. I want to be be more aware of the things I put in my body and how I take care of myself. I want to be able to ski/snowboard well into my 60's and 70's. I feel great when I am on my shake plan and eating well. I know when I am not putting good things in my body and it is more motivation to stay on the plan because I know the difference now. So in that way I do trust myself more than I used to. And I don't think of it as being on a diet as much. Because I feel better I know I am being good to myself. It is a natural progression. best to you in 08.

Erinn,
If you feel like it's working for you, that's great. But it sounds like although you think it's separating you from food, you still say that you are obsessing about food. I think Geneen's book would really help you. it's another way of, as you said, de-emphasizing food... but through making food a neutral thing and making yourself happy instead of letting food have power over you or being something to be afraid of. I encourage you to check it out!

Amber, Thanks for posting this. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one with issues regarding food. Even though I know tons of people must be, it often feels like I'm the only one. I'm not on the 'Great Diet of 08,' but I am hoping to get my body more in tune with itself. So I can eat intuitively again. For a brief amount of time (during my college years, go figure), I was walking a ton and eating when I was hungry. I lost a lot of weight (like 50 lbs in about a year) without trying . I know this is unlikely to happen again, being stuck at a computer all day. But my husband and I are buying bikes next month, with plans to ride them to work each day (once its not 20 outside), so daily moving looks like it will happen seamlessly. Now to get started on allowing my body to realize it's own internal cues on hunger. Hopefully this will lead to some weight loss in the long run, I'd really love more energy and I think less weight would mean that exact thing.

I quit Weight Watchers for the same reason. I didn't want to reduce my nutrition down to points. It felt like a "colour by numbers" attitude towards life.

I'm not on a diet. I eat like you eat - intuitively. My biggest problem is exercise and metabolism, and quite frankly, I suck at both things.

the word "diet" is so weird, because everyone has a diet, yaknow? diet being the food that you eat regularly or whatever.
i will always have a "diet" per say, which is just monitoring the food i eat, reading the nutritional information and most of all watch the overall calories i consume each day. i try to make a balance, if i eat too many sweets one day, or have too many cocktails, i spend some extra time at the gym the next day or the day after, (or both days if i was really naughty!)

i've tried "intuitive eating" but it never works for me because i will just make excuses to eat sweets and pastries and things. sometimes i do think i want a cupcake or ice cream for dinner, but i don't let myself - i'll make a nice salad and soup instead for example, and after i eat it, i no longer what the sweets but i still feel satisfied... so intuitive eating doesn't really work for me. i have to make myself eat the right things, 3 meals a day, but it never makes me feel deprived because i physically feel better and more energetic when i eat less processed and sugary foods anyway.

i consider myself super lucky because i genuinely prefer "Whole" foods over fast food. i was vegan and it really changed my taste pallet to loving healthy food. it seems to be doing the same for you. i used to eat fast food sometimes, but now the thought of it makes me sick!!! i'll take a lean turkey burger on a whole grain bun over a whopper or bigmac ANY DAY. whole foods just taste better to me, and unlike fast food and processed foods, i feel energetic and healthy after i eat them.. fast foods just made me feel physically like crap.

I am so relieved to hear someone else articulate what I've been feeling about WWers. Having followed the plan with as many setbacks as successes, I finally admitted that I wasn't getting anywhere. And paying a corporation $40/month for the privilege.

I canceled my membership last year with much guilt and an overwhelming sense of relief. After not following any program for several months, I'm now using SparkPeople and a healthy dose of common sense to keep tabs on what I'm eating. I've also been consulting a therapist for assistance in dealing with the root of the problem. I finally feel like I'm gaining some ground.

I suppose I am dieting in the New Year. But I prefer to think of it as no longer allowing food to play the definitive role in my life.

I guess what I mean by intuitive eating is not eating whatever I want whenever I want it, but listening to my body, respecting the signals it's sending me, paying attention while eating and fully experiencing the food, listening to my body and realizing when it says I've had enough, etc. I also am definitely preferring whole foods now. I feel so good when I eat that way.

Read this month's Glamour magazine! It has a great article about finding your happy weight, and some of the women's happy weights are above 150, so it's not all about being skinny! I thought it was pretty good.

And also, the hardest thing (for me especially) that helps with overeating is to eat slowly. It's hard especially when you're starving, but pacing the bites, taking sips of water, talking to your dinner partner, really helps. Good luck with everything!

I dread eating. I know what's in it, and I now know where is comes from. I'm too picky about what I want and I hate trying new food because I fear that the food could taste horrible and I have then wasted money/time on it. I definitely don't want my life to revolve around what I eat. Eating 3-4 times a day is annoying, when I could be doing more constructive stuff with my life. Food should be used as fuel, not something to let consume me.

I want a food injection, pill, or a patch so I don't have to make all of the decisions with food. Guess I'm just lazy?

I don't feel you can ever remove yourself from food, nor should you. Food is wonderful, pleasurable, and delicious. It is hard to get over what our culture has told us for our whole lives, and I'm happy for you that you are working on your issues with food.
In the last few months I started reading fat acceptance blogs and they have really changed the way I think. The one I really like is http://kateharding.net/ It is about HAES (Health at every size). Just from the food and exercise you have shared on this blog, shows you are relatively healthy. Thin does not equal healthy and Fat does not equal unhealthy. My goal will never again be to lose weight. My resolution is to exercise more, because I am pretty sedentary. But that is because I want more strength, energy, and a healthy heart; if I lose weight that is great, but it is not my goal. I know that if I exercise I will be healthier, a number on a scale or my pant size cannot show that.

(fyi - I noticed you sometimes blog about someone with my name, so I want to let you know I'm not her, just a total stranger who reads your blog)

I want to say that I think it's great that you are working on having a healthy attitude toward food! I'm sorry that Weight Watchers didn't work for you and made you obsess, but I did also want to say that that's not the case for everyone. I am someone who likes structure and regimin and plans everything, so for me, when I was in WW, tracking my food really worked and was a lifestyle I could keep and not a diet.

It didn't make me obsess about every bite and I never worried if I wanted a cookie or french fries or whatever. But, the couple of times I tried their non-point plan, where you were supposed to eat mainly from a list of foods, even tho those were what I usually ate, it totally felt like a diet and I rebelled and ate more junk food than normal. So, I think everyone is different in what works and doesn't.

Now, I'm pregnant, and facing a totally different eating dilemma - I have no idea how to *gain* weight in a healthy way! I feel like I am eating everything in sight, but luckily so far my weigh ins at the doctor are normal. Still, it's a weird feeling after spending most of my adult life either trying to lose or stay where I am.

Good luck - and I think being nicer to yourself is a great resolution!

Hey "..."
I don't think you're lazy, but I do think that you might benefit from taking pleasure in eating. I used to think the same thing, that eating was a waste of time, and where did that get me? Really overweight, unhappy, and eating in my car 3x per day.

It may seem silly to take time to prepare and eat food but we do need to eat to live, and when you fully experience the food instead of just pretending you're not eating it or inhaling it to get it over with, you feel satisfied with less and you actually have more time to do whatever other activities you want to do.

I dunno, ignoring food and pretending I didn't need it never helped me. I wonder if taking more interest in food, maybe cooking with your partner if you have one, or going grocery shopping with someone and trying one new item, or maybe eating at a new restaurant would help. It might be awful food, but then again it might be really good! Just an idea.

i dont remember the last time i wasnt on a diet! i was overweight as a kid, just "chubby." i look back at photos of myself and i look pretty healthy. i was teased and criticised about my weight by those close to me, friends and family, never at school or anything. my mom was obsessed with dieting - cabbage soup diet, mayo clinic diet, slim fast, dexatrim, nutrasystem - these are all words that were a part of my lexicon before i even turned 10. it rubbed off. i am obsessed with food, body image, being thin. im addicted to diet pills, ive been "lazy" (see!) the past few weeks but before that i was exercising 2 hours a day. i dont know how to get help. i know i should but it seems like in our society you only "need" help if you are obese or anorexic. im 5'6 and i weigh 148 pounds - perfectly healthy weight right? i constantly feel like a whale and my self esteem is in the toilet. what the hell happened to me?

thank you for your post, its something i really needed to read and think about right now. i told my husband my first step for 2008 was to find a new therapist. do you have any advice on how to find a good one that specializes or treats disordered eating?

If you are local, I can highly recommend one, please email me amber AT myaimistrue.com and I'll give you her name and number. Otherwise, you should start here: http://somethingfishy.org/treatmentfinder/

That's how I found mine.

I don't think that I am on a "diet" right now, although I am actively trying to lose weight. About a year ago, I totally reformed my lifestyle: I started running, started working out 4-5 times per week, started drinking water instead of diet soda, started eating "better" food. The last one was the most difficult, as I had been eating way too much sugar and fat for years. I started keeping track of my daily food and caloric intake as a means of relearning what I actually needed to eat to nourish my body. I had to track for a couple of weeks before I felt comfortable enough to trust my stomach (or, probably more appropriate, my head) to tell me when or what to eat. I do think that a program like Weight Watchers -- with its points system and emphasis on proper portion control -- would have worked for me in the same way. I just didn't have the money for it.

This change was the best thing that I ever did for myself. I feel so much healthier now at 150lbs (at 5'7") than I ever did at 210lbs. And I am healthier: my periods are normal, my resting heart rate is down, and my blood pressure has dropped to 90/60.

Sounds like you are doing great!

You know Amber, I have been "watching" you with all this for a few years now. Its HARD not to be impatient and want everything NOW. To loose all the weight yesterday. But there are a few factors to consider, for you.

One being, that more than likely during your weigh ins, you were packing less fat, but more muscle- with all your running and exercise stuff. So you probably "lost" more than you know. You are looking fabulouse, BTW.

Another thing being, you went vegan, which means a few things. One big one is, there is suddenly a lot less fat sneaking into your food, which is a good thing. Also, if you were trying to diet and be vegan, you were probably hungry all the time. On one of those podcasts you sent me, the woman said something that has stuck with me since we switched our diets around "if you are hungry EAT". So do it- just make a commitment to yourself to eat GOOD things. Take a stop and evaluate if you want to eat something not so good, and decide WHY it is you want to eat it. If you need something sweet, try some fruit first. Intuitive eating, like you said. Its tough, because its so easy to get obsessive. But you have come a very long way in the last few years, and I have every confidence in you. It won't be tomorrow. But it will happen. It is happening. I can tell how your body is changed, from your pictures.

THROW AWAY THE SCALE. They are evil. The last time I was on one was at the midwife when I was pregnant and they made me. I told them I didnt want to weigh unless I had to- didn't wanna know. Still don't. Well- I do, really, which is why its better I don't. Its just a number. Not my self-worth.

Anyways. I think you have a great attitude, and I know you will succeed at anything you put your mind to.

A few months ago I noticed I was eating foods just to eat them. It kind of bothered me so I started to go back to what I knew worked. Listening to what my body said. I would stop eating when I felt satisfied. But that's about it. I pretty much if I go out and eat, I basically don't eat the last 3 or 4 bites of food on the plate. It's too confusing for me to talk about food because what works for me may not work for the next person. I have a lot of food restrictions too because I'm lactose intolerant and I get heartburn really bad! LOL So there are foods I don't even think about anymore!

But I can tell you I have a very obsessive personality so I sympathize with that. I got into exercising a few years ago and became obsessive. It's hard not to get obsessed when you see changes with your body. I figured if it didn't hurt anywhere I wasn't working hard enough. Or if I didn't like how I worked out one day, payback to my body through more exercising! And then when I wasn't seeing more results, Oh I can just stop eating here and there to make them show!

When I started again, I put a limit on it, otherwise, I'll fall back into the same patterns. I don't like thinking about it every minute of the day or beating myself up over it. I exercise more for the benefits. My body recovers faster (I bartend) and heavy feelings of depression ease off(PMS makes me REALLY depressed). Oh and I refuse to compare and say I want that body! I just like to fantasize that they(models, actresses) suffer to look that way because it's their job. Yeah. I don't care. It keeps me from being crazy.

I just wish you all the happiness, Amber. I feel weird sharing this much because I feel I have no right to talk about it.

Thank you for posting this. I had forgotten how obsessive I got the last time I did Weight Watchers, and now that I'm considering doing it again, I'm glad to have been reminded. I actually wrote a somewhat lengthy post on my LJ regarding this issue, and I'm going to check out the books you recommended.

I'm on WW and managed to get to my goal before xmas and am now way off after the usual xmas gain. I haven't been back because I feel guilty. So bogus I know. I've been struggling with this issue for awhile. I do read the fat acceptance blogs, and while I like some of what they say I can't fully get behind them.

Personally, I struggle between wanting to be heatlhy and wanting to be thin. I know that my body really doesn't work as well when I'm too big nor does it work well when I don't eat. So it's finding that middle path.

And I don't trust my body...well I don't trust myself with food. I can eat large, large amounts of food in one sitting (like the Family size bags of candy). And I know that the impulses pushing me to do this are not physical hunger. Ww for all it's fault does keep me from going insane. And I do eat much better on the program. But that said, I am so tired off beating myself up for gaining weight...for being off when I WI.

Good post...lots to think about.

I'm basically just telling you all of this to concur with what you're saying in the post, there.

When I was training for the triathlon, I got really really concerned about what I was eating, so my trainer and I came up with a diet that addressed all my nutritional needs. It was as follows:

Breakfast:
4 oz scrambled tofu
1/4 cup fresh berries

Snack:
1/4 cup soy yogurt

Lunch:
4 oz scrambled tofu
1 cup green vegetables
1 cup colored vegetables

Snack:
1 cup spinach
3 oz scrambled tofu
1/4 cup sprouts

Dinner:
4 oz scrambled tofu
1/4 cup rice
1/2 cup green veggies
1/2 cup colored veggies

Optional post-workout snack:
1/4 cup long grain rice

I did this for about 3 months. LET ME TELL YOU HOW I CANNOT LOOK AT CURRIED TOFU AND NOT GAG.

My skin was awesome. I didn't have weight fluctuation. But I spent so much time fighting food cravings and being sick of what I was eating. I experimented with tofu seasonings and different veggies, but the result was the same - I was sick of it.

After the triathlon, I took that break from the gym. That turned into infrequent exercise. And I was majorly stressed and overly busy. But I just decided to eat out alot, and to try and eat out healthy, and just eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full.

I found some really nice veggie-friendly restaurants. So sometimes it was the Subway Veggie Max. Sometimes it was Pad Thai with Tofu. There were lots of falafels, and hommous and pita. There's a great little make-a-sandwich place down the road, which satisfies my crunchy veggie cravings. And I get my breakfast at a local baglery that has vegan sausage. (I realize it is the epitome of laziness when I cannot make and toast my own bagel and microwave Amy's sausage, but believe you me, I do not have 15 extra minutes to do it in the morning. It's literally like, buy a bagel, or lose my sanity)

I thought for sure I'd gain alot of weight. Not everything I eat is completely organic, I know I could deal with less-processed stuff, and I know I could have better sodium content. But for eating out alot, and exercising infrequently, I'm the same weight I was before when I was at the gym all the time, and cooking crazy regimented stuff.

Turns out restaurants aren't bad for you - it's the portions. And just listening to my hungry/full mechanism has turned each purchase into two or three meals. Sometimes I can stretch it to 4 if I buy a bag of salad. And I'm sane, too.

I'd like to cook more, but my life doesn't really allow it right now. And the inadvertent side effect is that I've learned to control hungry/full. I think becoming strict veg put to rest my food issues with good food/bad food, and this helped me complete the loop.

I hope your plan does that for you. One of the side effects of being goal oriented and super organized is that we can get too focused on things, and the very things we're trying to fix and control become the very things we can't.

Anyhow, good luck with your '08 plans. I hope they serve you fabulously!

Wow. Reading this post - and the comments - made me realize how much I identify with what you and everyone else said.

I understand about the "eating in secret" thing, and the addiction to fast food.

I sit at work and eat "responsibly" (bagels, Lean Cuisines) and by the time I get home I'm so hungry I'll eat two sandwiches and half a bag of chips. I've lied to my fiance about eating dinner - I'll say I didn't eat when in fact I ate just 30 minutes before he came home.

I tried Weight Watchers. I tried the strict "diet" that my former doctor put me on. I'm always hungry. I don't know why, and it scares me. I hear things like "your stomach is 'stretched out', give it a few weeks to adjust to a new way of eating and it will shrink". But until then, I feel like I'm starving. My body gets weak. My hands shake. I feel dizzy and queasy.

Food is always prominent in my mind. I just ate lunch at my desk and I'm still hungry. The temptation to sneak downstairs and order a sandwich and cole slaw is really bad. I wonder, even now, what I'm going to do for dinner tonight.

I want to break this addiction to fast food. I want to stop thinking about food in general, other than the cursory thought about grocery shopping or dinner plans. I want to lose the weight that is causing my health troubles. I want to be more motivated to go to the gym after work.

I might have to check out those two books you mentioned. I also think that once I get insurance through my job I need to find a good therapist and see if talking to someone helps.

Hey Amber, here is my 2 cents.

I tried Weight Watchers twice and gave up both times. I just couldn't get that system to work for me. I don't go on "diets", I don't like to deprive myself the foods like. If I want to treat myself to a yummy piece of cake, I'm gonna do it.

What I do is stop eating when I'm full. In the past I felt like I had to finish my plate so food wouldn't go to waste. Not anymore. For me, it is all about portion control, not what you eat. NO DIETS FOR ME!!

I haven't made any resolutions as far as my weight is concerned. I am more concerned about looking good and my keeping my health in check, not a number on a scale. I use to weigh myself twice a day every day but all it did was frustrate me. I think I've come to accept that I am always going to weigh more than I actually look and I shouldn't get frustrated when I see someone who I think is bigger than me weighing less. Every one is built differently.

What I do think has helped me A LOT is yoga. I have been doing it for about five years now and it really does help make you think differently about your body and what you do to it.

This was a great post! Thank you for sharing this!!

you know me and food.

in fact, we met over the topic. sigh.

i had the same experience with weight watchers and to this day i can look at any food and tell you the points value for it. my life was just this weird scheme of numbers: weight, portions, points. it was awful.

now that i have broken free from it, i am learning about my own demons and how to get back to "normal" eating. glad to know someone else is on that quest.

Marilyn, I know what you mean about yoga! I have been doing it at least twice a week for the past few weeks and it's awesome. You really have to focus on your body in a connected way, not just in a "that doesn't look right" way.

And Karen, yeah. I know we have struggled over the same things for a long time. We'll get there!

Amber,

Thanks so much for this brave and revealing post! I love that so many people seem to be resolving this year NOT to diet -- and NOT to go on Weight Watchers. It seems like the funny outcome to their new ad campaign (the "we're not a diet; diets are bad" one) is that people are pissed off and also realizing that yeah, DIETS DON"T WORK.

As always, we at Elastic Waist love your blog.

Great points, Amber. And good things to remember this Resolution time. My goals for this year: walk 30 minutes at least three times a week. More is better, but hopefully, this won't overwhelm my already crazy schedule. Eat more greens. Yummy! Play more with the kids. Everything else is gravy.

I also have struggled. I have gained a lot in the last few years, and have lost 27 pounds (with more to go) since September. I get bored and I eat. I simply do not buy anything that I know I can't be responsible around (ice cream, chips, etc). If I want ice cream, I go to a local stand and get one scoop, one serving and none in the fridge for me to worry about later. I also only eat 1 Kashi bar for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner combo. I don't eat any more fast food, and NO soda (studies show that diet soda actually stimulates appetites), very little juice (very high in sugar). I didn't used to like green tea, but forced myself to drink it, and now like it (drinking about 4-5 a day). It is about eating reasonably, if I am hungry, i will eat more, but if I am merely craving something, I don't. I also started walking my 2 dogs 1 mile each (at least) twice a day, exercise is good for all of us, with their life expectancies shorter I want to keep them as healthy as possible. I used to go to spin class, but it never worked. Yoga doesn't help with weight loss (I have been doing it 4-5 classes a week for 3 years), unless you do Bikram yoga (but those classes can be harder to find). I have tried almost everything. I think it is about finding what you like to do, not forcing yourself to do something you don't like, I always lose more weight when I enjoy my workout. We love hiking and do it every weekend we can.

Plus, teams are fun. A recent study in Denmark (or some Scandinavian country) showed that people who ran for 90 minutes lost less weight and kept it off less compared to people who played 90 minutes of soccer. The idea that the up and down of the heart rate in soccer and enjoyment of the exercise (mentally) helped people more with weight loss, and keeping it off.

I will never again make a resolution about going on a diet- you got that right. On the other hand, I can admit to being afraid to eat intuitively. That sounds like a great goal though. It reminds me of Margaret Cho talking about her weight loss- and how she used that system. At first eating anything she wanted meant weight gain, but after a while the freedom to do so meant she ultimately lost weight.

Most importantly, I think the goal of being nice to yourself is killer!

Oh. My. Yes.

After Weight Watchering for about five years, and going up and down, and winding up bigger than where I started, I have come to the same conclusions. I cannot Weight Watcher anymore. I cannot skip having freaking PEAS or a small salad with my dinner because I don't have a point left for them. What a terrible mentality! WW-ers was making me crazy - I was either being good (a strict points counter) or bad (eating everythung in sight). There was no grey area for me.

I know what to eat, and I know how much of it to eat. And since I love myself, I don't want artifically sweetened diet crap or to overeat since that hurts and gives me indigestion.

Once I read Intuitive Eating (by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch), I cracked open a can of Mandarin oranges, and savored them. I never would have eaten them on WW-ers (too pointy) and I wouldn't have eaten them on a splurge day either (I was busy eating ice cream).

Thanks for this post, and this dialogue. Weight Watchers IS a diet, I don't care what the commercial says.

Hell, I can't remember a time when I was happy with myself. Even when I was a size 3 and worked out everyday I was "fat". I gave up "fast food" years ago and only seem to eat sweets at the office but I love to cook...so I love to eat. Eventually that became a very unhealthy disorder I still sometimes battle with but am working on.

Even though you and I aren't very close, you have inspired me a great deal to be more confident in my craft and most recently, take better care of my body and mind by turning into a "hippie". And like everyone else has already pointed out, we all know other people feel the same way about our bodies and food addictions/issues but it helps to hear someone else open up about it. Thanks.

"I guess what I mean by intuitive eating is not eating whatever I want whenever I want it, but listening to my body, respecting the signals it's sending me, paying attention while eating and fully experiencing the food, listening to my body and realizing when it says I've had enough, etc. I also am definitely preferring whole foods now. I feel so good when I eat that way."

That's really a pretty profound thing if you stop to think about it. How many of us actually know what hunger and thirst really feel like? Sometimes we eat out of boredom. Sometimes out of stress. Sometimes we're just on a schedule and are doing what we're used to always doing.

Brava!

From reading everyone's comments I actually have hope that 'our generation' is so much more aware of being wholistically healthy, despite our struggles that our own children may have a chance to be healthier and see themselves in a positive way. I think so much of what we struggle with is the crap that we let in from the media and marketing. If we ignore all that stuff more, maybe they will actually go away eventually. Not to get all soap-boxy. Just something I have been thinking about. If anything, we have a head start because we are more self-aware. imho.

I've never been one to follow rules, or be able to behave myself when an outside party makes them, so diets have never worked for me. Instead of resolving to diet and exercise in the new year, I decided to Eat Better and Start moving. I live in an area that's easy to walk around - why am I driving everywhere? I could walk, instead. And instead of eating prepackaged frozen meals, I can cook from real ingredients in a healthy way.

I don't think it will be easy, but I think it will be better. My body is telling me it wants vegetables, so I better listen to it. I don't even think I will miss the fast food all that much, anyway.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - it's nice reading that my own thoughts aren't unique! :)

This is a great post for the start of the year. It is so interesting to hear all the different things people have to say about eating, dieting, and food. I do agree that restriction causes binging, I have had the same issue as Amber, being careful all day then getting home and eating the whole kitchen because I have not had enough protein. I have had a different experience with the scale than the earlier poster. I find that weighing myself once a week keeps me from slipping into bad eating habits. When I gain more than a couple pounds, I can easily track it back to too much sugar or alcohol.

My sister started WW a few months ago, I will have to send her a link to this post to check out the comments here. Happy No Dieting in 2008!

Yes! A lot of people I know who've done weight watchers have become "points"-obsessed. I think it 's a good or, at least, better plan, overall, for some people who are completely CLUELESS about healthy eating/portion control. . .but they could learn that elsewhere too, I suppose.

I've had severe weight/body image/food issues in the past and, since I recently had a baby, it's hard for me be patient and just make myself eat well, exercise, and give it time. I'm just trying to look forward to running with a jogging stroller in the spring.

about 5 years ago, i lost all the weight i'd gained in college and then a little more, which amounted to 30 pounds. i looked great and felt better, but i couldn't stop obsessing about every single thing i ate. i finally realized i needed to stop when a fellow grad student said to me over lunch, "i bet you're the type of person who's counting every single almond you're eating right now." he was right. i was. so i stopped keeping track of everything i ate and my weight evened out around ten pounds heavier.

after i got married, i guess i got lazy and put about 15 more pounds on, which i've been less-than-thrilled with, but not so worried about until my husband and i decided that this was the year we'd have a baby. now i have tons of motivation not necessarily to lose weight, but to be as healthy as possible before i start using this body as a baby machine. if that's not a great reason to get healthy, then i don't know what is!

Amber, thanks for a wonderful post.
I can so relate to it. Even though I have probably never been on a diet per se. But I now look back on the way I used to eat four or five years ago and feel that I actually HAD some sort of an eating disorder - I ate way too little (excuse me, but two yogurts per day and an occasional salad is NOT enough for a 15-year-old). Truth be told, I lost all the extra weight I had. And have not put it back on since (Actually, I gained some 20 pounds two years ago but then naturally lost it over the summer).
But the problem is that I still feel cautious about what I eat. I don't count calories, points, carbohydrates or fats and eat quite a lot (especially since becoming vegan almost a year ago). But I do have the occasional binges when I eat every single thing in sight. I am a very emotional eater. I too often eat out of boredom. And even though I know that there are a lot of people like me, I feel rather alone with my problem as people around me often say that "eating disorders come from one's life being too good and one's not having enough problems".

However, your post has inspired me to look even more after myself. To follow my body. And my intuition. I've had a very "intuitive" day today. And hope that this will become a habit of mine.

BTW- awesome pictures of your dog!

What a wonderful post. I think we all have issues with the way we look in some way. I happen to be "thin" but certainly can be more healthy. The biggest thing I think we all need to learn is that as women we need to support each other. I notice women can be the harshest to other women. That may come from jealousy or insecurity but we often judge other women so much. I think it is wonderful that women come in all shapes and sizes it is what makes us different. I don't want to look like everyone else. I want to be in the best health and the best my body can be. Not focus on looking like someone else and having her body.

I am very pale. I have some pretty harsh remarks made to me about needing to "get a tan" or not look like "a ghost". None have been from men always fellow women. Why is that? It is really not my problem since I don't care what others think of me. I want kindness and support or I don't need you in my life. So lets all support each other. If you see another woman on the street don't look at what she has that you want. Because she probably wants something you have.

Sometimes you read something that makes you sit up and say That's ME!!! I loved this post. I am SO that person that has to be productive all the time, and there's always that faint level of guilt when I'm NOT. Yet so often I'm not. Because it's like I'm paralyzed with the guilt that I'm not doing what I SHOULD be doing.

Argghhh...how do you break away from that????

Looks can be decieving.
it's soo hard to honestly feel good about yourself, and what you're doing.

Thanks for opening the dialogue

I have to begin my comment by thanking you for being so corageous and open about these issues, always. I have been mulling over this particular post before commenting. It has really struck a nerve with me. Weight has always been a major issue with me. Actually, not a single day has gone by, really, that I haven't woken up and thought "I am fat, fat, fat; my life would be so much better if I were "thin". It may not be the first exact thought to run through my head upon waking, but it always sneaks in, at least after that first cup of coffee. It has been this way since I was a young child. My mom weighed less than 100 lbs. when she married my father (years and years before I was born. She was in her early 20's). Being an "overweight" child, and seeing these pictures of my mom when she was my age, a bean pole smiling in all of her skinny-legged glory on the beach- was, well, sort of devestating. I felt different. I felt like a failure. I felt aesthetically unfit. My mom never made me feel bad about my size, exactly. But I remember being about nine years old and overhearing a conversation my parents were having about how I was getting too fat, and what they would do about it. It stings my memory to this day. My parents made me do swimming, little league softball, made me join cheerleading. I can remember begging her not to make me go to cheerleading because I hated it so much- the other girls were so much skinnier in their skirts than I was.
I have battled with this my whole life. I have starved myself into complete waif-dom, only to discover that I didn't feel any better as my skinnier version, than I did as my fattest. I resented my "skinny" friends, and how much easier everything seemed for them.
I am 30, had my first child a year ago, and have been married for four years. I have reached a point of being comfortable with myself to the point that I don't starve myself, obsess about the number on the scale, or hate myself for the way I look (well, some days I do totally obsess, and yearn for a skinnier body. but that self-hate is less amplified). I try to eat sensibly, and am quite aware that when I exercise I feel happier and fitter. That old voice still creeps in nearly every day, but I am more equipped somehow to quiet it sensibly. I just think my body is very happy being a certain size, and that I should stop fighting, and accept it.
Be nice to yourself, Amber! You look like someone who is beautiful on the inside and the outside. You are so lucky to have such a loving family and loving, wonderful siginificant other, and also to be so successful with all of the projects you take on. When people look at you, that is what they see. My stupid slogan for the year is "don't hate in '08". Life is too short to worry about stuff that doesn't matter. Be comfortable and free and relaxed. You deserve it! We should be open about such things more, no? I like this dialogue....

We're on the same wave link with the dog shots...I was home the other day while my prince Johnny B was napping in the sun, I snapped quite a few shots of his highness.
I agree with 'diet' being a four letter word. I can diet and starve and throw my bloodsugar into a frenzy and be totally miserable b/c I LOVE food and love to cook. I can get back down into a size 6, maybe even a 4 if I am really motivated. At 5'2" that's what they say I am supposed to be...actually I can never get below 120# and I think I am "supposed" to be like 115#. Geez, I'd look like I was sick. So, after the frenzied diet is over and I can't live another day without mashed potatoes I begin to eat again. And back up in the weight I maintain. I always go back to this size..10/12..135-140#. I came to the conclusion last year that this is the size I was meant to be, why fight it anymore. I am a woman and most women have a shape and if ya don't like my big ol' butt then don't look at it!
Amber, you are gorgeous! You have a healthy lifestyle and a great attitude. Relax and be you..we should all do the same!

Sloane recommended comiing over and reading your post! Wow! You read my mind! Whar a perfect New Year plan! I already decided that this would be a promising wonderful year! Thank you ! Merci...Peace and love!

I think this is an awesome post to start the year with. A little bit of self-reflection never hurt a soul. Good luck on your journey.

I'm going to try and be better to myself emotionally. I talk a lot of bad self-talk, and I didn't realize it until I took a hard look at it this fall. I ought to be nicer to myself!

I was a bulimic for about 12 years and although I had professional help twice I think that what helped me most was realising that I would never be a size 38 (I think its a 6 or 8 in your country). Each body has a "natural" weight and trying to fight against it only brings frustation, eating disorders and bad humor (at least for me). I think one should try to eat healthy, keep fit (one of my new year's resolutions) and if dieting take it easy and don't try to lose it in a month beacuse if you do it always comes back.
WW works for me because there are no good and bad foods, you can eat whatever you want, and I don't feel terribly guilt and blow ou the diet if I eat one of those things that in other diets ban. But I think each one is different so what works for one person doesn't work for another so each one should try and find what works for them.
Thanks for the post.

I tried Weight Watchers and Prism and, well... ever diet under the sun, moon and stars. It was discouraging. I hated myself. I hated my body. I had to do something drastic. seven or so years ago, I had weight loss surgery. It has changed my life. I don't have any option but to trust my body. I am forced to do so. My only regret? That I would have done it sooner.

Amber, thanks so much for this post; it's wonderful. My plan for 2008 is to eat somewhat intuitively and at the very least mindfully. I've been sick for almost all of 2007 and I'm trying to get back to a state of health and feeling normal. I'm weening myself off processed sugars, soda, most meats (not hard for me), and working hard to add veggies and fruits back into my daily menu. I'm using the Beck Diet Solution book to help me control my sabotaging thoughts and aide me in giving myself credit when I do things the way I'd planned. So far so good. Best of luck with your journey!

Wow, I had no idea so many people were resolving NOT to diet in 2008. Even before reading your post, that was my resolution. And now I am even more determined. Here is a bit of my story:

I was always a healthy weight when I was young, though I did have a poor self-image. But I never dieted. I started exercising in high school because I was self-conscious about my body. I still had a normal relationship with food, though. I was blissfully ignorant of what calories even were. Crazy, I know.

During my first pregnancy I gained 50 pounds. It took me a year, but I got it all off. I basically lost it all by exercising and eating healthfully (finally learned about calories --- lol!).

Three years later, along comes baby number two and another 50 pounds. This time it was much, much harder to lose the weight. Maybe because I was busier, or more stressed. I don't know. But I was very anxious (read: impatient) to lose it, so I joined Weight Watchers. It went well at first. I lost 20 pounds. But I was also nursing, which could have contributed to the loss. Anyway, I eventually hit a wall and could not get past it. WW was making me miserable. One of your other commenters said this, and I was exactly the same way: Either I was right on track with my points and feeling exhilerated, or I was eating everything in sight and saying that I would start again on Monday. Insane.

I finally decided that I had to quit WW after a year. I started looking around at the women in that room, realizing many of them had been dieting for years and years, some of them never reaching their goals. I don't want to diet all my life. I just want to eat and do it normally, without obsessing about food.

I'm currently reading The Rules of Normal Eating, and also working through her Food and Feelings Workbook. It's really good. I would recommend it to anyone struggling with food.

I could write so much more, but my kiddo is begging me to play. Thanks for writing this, Amber. I wish you the best of luck with your process.

This post really got me thinking. I was overweight most of my life. I was a sort of chunky kid, chubby teenager (except for about a minute when I dieted myself down to my goal weight) and obese adult. I’ve been going to WW for about a year and a half now and it has worked for me. Actually that’s sorta not true because I just count up my rough estimate of points in my head and don’t really track anything (ssshhh don’t tell). I really just got the weekly weigh-in and to be around other women trying to conquer their weight issues. But I’ve by no means conquered my eating demons and I’ve done some really ridiculous stuff: eaten in secret, tried to throw up (couldn’t but managed to throw my jaw out of whack. Good job.), negative self-talk, total self-hatred. I was even too embarrassed to go to an eating disorder therapist because I was sure the other women in the waiting room would look at me and be disgusted by the fatty. When I think of all the time I wasted hating myself and my body it makes me want to cry. If I had just learned to respect my body, my hunger and my emotions I think I’d be in a lot better place today. Sad that at 33 I’m still sorting this all out. I also wanted to recommend “Eating by the Light of the Moon”. It’s a little metaphoric but quite beautiful. Thanks, Amber, for this post and thanks to all your commenters.

Thanks for this post, Amber. I have thought that about WW for years but didn't quite articulate it so well. I just could never be the person who keeps track of *anything* like that. After growing up relatively thin, I put on a Freshman Fifteen, SophomoreFifteen, Junior Twenty....in college. At graduation, I was 50 lb. heavier w/out really knowing why. Now, 10 years later, I'm finally starting to (slowly, slowly) get the hang of eating well, eating just enough, but I still struggle a lot, esp. in times of stress and boredom. For now, it's enough for me to concentrate on making better food choices and getting enough exercise. Just keep the Fat Fashion Thursday coming (w/out stressing, of course!) b/c I'm much happier being fat when I can dress the way I want to!

Oh, and I also wanted to say that reading both Fast Food Nation and The Omnivore's Dilemma (by Michael Pollan) both changed the way I thought about food. Pollan talks about calories in a very basic way, and he takes you on a journey about the origins of all types of food. AFter I read it, I made a goal of eating vegetarian at restaurants (and not that often) and eating only locally produced, sustainably farmed meat. I've gotten off track from this a few times, but I think it's really improved my health, overall.

Leah, it's so funny you say that because it was those two exact books that got me researching more about where food comes from, and eventually led to my decision to go vegan!

I keep telling myself to buy the Geneen Roth book, but I'm worried it'll make me overanalyze food more than I do already. I don't think it's a book that will help; I think I need someone to just cook healthy food for me all the time, cos I'm too lazy/tired to do it. I'm to the point where I don't even want to look at cookbooks, because they make me think about food too much.

I wish I could just eat salad for the rest of my life.

Believe it or not, the Roth book doesn't focus much on actual food. It more tackles the issues behind why we overeat, talks about appetites (for food, love, power, sex), etc. Check it out! If you don't like it you can always ditch her advice. Another really good one is Susie Orbach's "Fat is a Feminist Issue."

I went to the doctor and got a blood test. He said that I have Maori fat genes which meant that I don't handle sugar well.

He said to try adding protein to my diet and doing away with potatoes and bread pretty much so now I have protein on a piece of toast for breakfast, a 'colourful' salad and fish or the like for lunch and meat and veges for tea.

It has been great as with all that protein I don't feel hungry and crave other food.

The instructions were wide enough for me to feel I am not missing out on fun things and I don't beat myself up if I have a treat or two now and again.

It is working for me rather than all that stressing over how bad I am for eating what other people eat quite happily.

Thanks everyone for sharing your journeys.

Allanah K

good for you for breaking up with w.watchers, amber! you are beautiful exactly the way you are.
but saying that, i can relate to you on body issues. even though i'm supposedly "normal" weight for my height, i struggle with so many parts of my body that stress me out. probably some are issues that only i notice but unfortunately that doesn't alleviate the obsessing.
i'm all for loving ourselves exactly how we are...in theory and for everybody except myself. maybe my 2008 resolution should be to be more accepting of myself?!
best of luck to you!

I have struggled with weight/body issues/food issues for pretty much my whole life. I very nearly made yet another resolution to lose it this year, and I admit, I have thoughts of sitting down and writing a bunch of aggressive resolutions...but I've decided to do what I can to be healthy and good to myself. I've been on weight watchers about 3 or 4 times...and I became the same way. Obsessed with food. I actually today was in the bathroom and thinking in my head of all the calories I'd consumed already. I can do it in my head! It's frustrating that it's so difficult to deprogram yourself. It just points out to all those people who think "oh fat people don't know about nutrition" or "fat people just don't have willpower." It's so much more complex than that.

Coming late to the party, but chiming in with the "congratulations on leaving WW!" I wish I could be where you were as far as trusting my body.

I have a pretty decent diet, I think...mostly vegan, no white starch. I get at least 45 minutes of exercise in, 5 days a week. I'm still a size 12, though. Two years ago, I worked out for 90 mins. six times a week, and I ate mostly steamed vegetables and oatmeal and cottage cheese for 5 months in preparation for my brother's wedding. At the end of it, I was still a size 12, but a firm size 12. Apparently, this is me, jiggly belly and all.

The thing is, I'm getting married in two months, and all of a sudden, it's occurred to me that there will be people there who haven't seen me since I was a chain-smoking size 6/8 who didn't eat. It bothers me that I am obsessing over that. My bodice has been custom made to the size I am NOW, and yet I still find myself wondering, "Do I still have time to lose weight before the wedding?" I was considering WW, but I know I don't want to obsess about POINTS and crap along with making my skirt and about a zillion of those Martha Stewart pompoms...you've confirmed it.

Anyway, I aspire to your level of mindfulness.

Hey Amber,

Great post, I don't have much to add to what other folks have said, just a recommendation for another book that you may or may not know about/have read but it is one that I like and re-read when I need to.

Here it is:
When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession
by Jane R. Hirschmann

http://www.amazon.com/When-Women-Hating-Their-Bodies/dp/044991058X/ref=si3_rdr_bb_product

I’m a medical student, and therefore very aware of BMI and what are healthy nutritional and exercise habits. But I’m also an emotional eater, and we’re under incredible amounts of stress. As an adolescent, I was borderline bulimic and a lowish “normal” weight. Once I started slightly more sane eating habits, I slowly but steadily gained weight… several pounds up, a couple down, etc. Now my BMI teeters on the edge between “normal” and “overweight”. If I stop paying close attention, and fail to keep my cravings and emotional binges carefully in check, I gain weight rapidly… for instance, ten pounds in a month or less while studying for Step 1 of our licensing exams. Several months later, I’m still trying to get that off with little success.

I often find myself in the position of talking to patients about their weight problems, related emotional issues, decisions to undergo bariatric surgery, etc. They laugh and say I've clearly never had a problem with my weight, usually in a friendly way. I just smile. I love food. I love cooking. A little too much. I’m an emotional eater with a bit of a type A personality. It makes me sad and frustrated that many people seem to assume that being close to a “normal” weight means you haven’t struggled with it. It’s good to see this discussion out in the open. I think probably most women have some sort of body image problem, or have at some point in their life.