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07 September, 2006
Project Runway—Episode Nine

Episode Nine—Couture Du Jour: I almost forgot, we’re in Paris, kids! Catherine Malandrino is back to present the challenge and tells them that they will be making a couture gown. I really can’t understand her at all, and I’m usually pretty good with accents. Tim Gunn takes a moment to explain that to be a licensed couturier, you have to be approved by the French government or something. Weird. And also unneccessary. I’m a couturier. For myself. Take that, France!

They’ll have only two days for the challenge and will present the gowns at some kind of party. They should employ couture techniques like hand sewn hems, beading and embroidery. Everyone freaks out to varying degrees.

Back at the hotel or whatever, they’re all gushing about Paris, except for Jeffrey, who’s gushing about how Angela’s gone. Yeah, she sure isn’t tormenting you anymore, even though you’re talking about her every five seconds. Tim Gunn takes them around Paris. They walk through the streets and the courtyard at the Louvre. They have a relaxing lunch and, oh color me surprised, it’s another Project Runway toast.

Now I have toasted maybe like seven times in my 24 years on this planet, but if I was an alien watching this show, I would think that people toast at like every meal or airplane ride. It’s getting ridiculous with the toasting. Anyway, they’re still traveling around Paris and I’m thinking if they only have two days to make some crazy gown, why all this dilly-dallying? Shouldn’t they be at MOOD Paris and cutting and draping like mad? Apparently no one thinks so. Tim takes them to the top of some hill and the hippies take off their shoes and leisurely sketch for a half hour.

Vincent explains to everyone that he was trained in couture, that’s what got him into fashion, and oh yeah also it turns him on. Here we go again. We have crazy Vincent, giggly Vincent, lucid/tame/drugged Vincent and the worst, pervy Vincent. Guess who’s back? With tongue.

Finally they go to some Parisian fabric store and have 300 euros to spend ($375). Jeffrey is looking at madras prints (oy!) and says he wants to make a happy, joyous dress inspired by the Statue of Liberty. No clue what madras has to do with the Statue of Liberty, also the SoL kind of looks mean, not really a happy go lucky kind of gal, so I’m just kind of thinking he pulled this out of his ass so he could have some French-relevant inspiration or something. Whatever, he says he wants to make Project Runway history by being the first designer to WIN with immunity. Not like they’ve given immunity that much in season 1 or 2, but whatever keeps you going dude.

Back at Parsons Paris, Tim tells them they have a model card on their tables and I’m furious because ONCE AGAIN, the PR models aren’t being used (I calm down later). Uli doesn’t have any prints and I’m curious to see what she’ll do with a solid color. Laura’s making a black dress with huge white collar and cuffs. Kayne’s making a dress for his favorite pageant girl. Laura interviews that Kayne has some real “Vegas tendencies” and he’s making something pageanty. Jeff calls it prom-gowny. Vincent gives some Daniel Franco-esque speech about, “You gotta let the fabric flow, let the pattern flow, let it grow, let it sprout a rainbow with a unicorn jumping over it!” Laura says he’s a legend in his own mind. Obviously.

Back at the apartment, Jeffrey is all prancing around the bedroom while shaving with an electric razor. I find this kind of gross, and feel sorry for the janitorial staff. And also Vincent and Michael who probably have his little hairs all over their beds now. Ew. Vincent’s all, “DO YOU SEE ME SLEEPING, PLEASE STEP THREE FEET BACK!” and instead of going into the bathroom like a normal person, he goes on the BALCONY to shave. Vincent hurls some expletives.

Back at Parsons, Tim comes around and visits. Michael’s concerned about time, he’s never done hand sewing before. Laura is BELLY OUT in a tied up button-down shirt and I love it. It’s so in your face. She talks about the collar and Tim says the collar HAS to make the dress work. Tim furrows his brow at Kayne as usual, and is concerned about the boning showing through the bodice. At this point it does look bad. Kayne thinks it’s gorgeous and wants to breathe his life into it. Good lord everyone’s so poetic today. Must be Paris air or something.

Meanwhile, Jeffrey is spouting off some monologue about how making a couture gown in two days is like making an atom bomb, which is hard, cause believe him, he tried. Laura’s worried about Kayne being eliminated, she likes him and doesn’t want him to get hurt. Jeff is all, “Who cares if he gets hurt, no one wants his Halloween costume.” Vincent says Laura’s dress looks like Creature from the Black Lagoon and Jeffrey says she’s confused about what couture is. He’s not though. Couture is an atom bomb of yellow madras, apparently.

Michael is REALLY not close to being done, and they have like four hours left. He hasn’t even started sewing. Jeffrey says something about, “How bout I COUTURE your face!” His jokes are so never funny. Of course he thinks his is the only couture gown, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. Laura’s starting to feel really pregnant. Her feet hurt and her ankles are swollen. I imagine it does suck being in that workroom all day with several unsufferable people when your hormones are going insane. I would have sewn one of them to the worktable long before now.

They get ready for the party and are trying to finish their gowns. They get 2 and a half hours for fitting, hair and makeup. Uli says Vincent’s skirt reminds her of a couch. Sexay! Michael’s sewing like crazy, and had to take his dress down four sizes. I can’t imagine someone four sizes smaller than Nazri (which I’m assuming he sized the dress for) but whatever. If someone calls Nazri zaftig, I’m going to spontaneously combust. Vincent’s fitting his model and apparently hasn’t hemmed the dress. Tim asks if he’s gonna have time to hand sew it. Apparently not because he busts out a bottle of glue. He glues the hem, glues some seams and in homage to Angela, glues a big ol’ fleurchon on the back of the dress. They’re all rushing to get the dresses on the models.

They all walk to the party, Kayne looks really cute escorting his model. Some nutbag on a balcony throws an egg at them (WHAT?!) and it lands on Michael’s gown. Tim Gunn is pretty furious looking. Who throws eggs at random people and gets away with it? No one even yelled at the guy.

They go to some fancy boat for the party. Catherine Malandrino looks amazing, and as Heidi would say, “I want her dress in every color.” She tells everyone they look magnificent. Guess what, THEY TOAST AGAIN.

I don’t have a screengrab of it, but Kayne appears interviewing as a total stereotypical Parisian man. Beret, black skinny mustache, ridiculous accent. It’s golden. The models walk, then Catherine talks to each of the designers.

In the words of Michael Kors, “I can see what she had for lunch!” Yeowch that slit is high. Catherine tells Jeffrey it was pretty audacious to use cotton for an evening look, but you can tell she means it in a good way.

Laura’s looks pretty great, Catherine seems to have an issue with covering arms for an evening look, but Laura says she’s always cold so it works for her.

Now I’m seeing Kayne’s gown for the first time and I really like it. There’s a lot of detail but it flows beautifully and is VERY couture to me. The back is an asymmetrical corset and it looks amazing. Catherine says it was brave to lace it up the back and that it fits her perfectly.

Oh Michael. His looks like a hot mess. It’s lumpy, the model looks really sad to be wearing it. Catherine asks about the detail and he talks about ruching. It doesn’t look good. At. All.

Vincent. Oh boy. Catherine is all, “Wow, 80s I missed you along with shoulder pads in couture evening gowns!” She asks about what inspired him and he’s all, “I don’t know but I like it!” Then proceeds to hit on her for five minutes. I mean he’s all up ons.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I love everything about you! I want your look! Are those your shoes?” He even kisses her hand I think. The other designers are gaping. I’m thinking he’s really trying to win the Daniel Franco award or something.

Uli’s is “easy, light and effortless” and the braiding and color really reminds me of Santino’s Nicky Hilton dress. But cleaner and more polished.

Tim says Catherine’s scores will be added to the judges’ scores back at Parsons in NYC, and everyone parties for a while then they fly home. The next day at Parsons NYC, they have two hours to REFIT the dresses, then do hair and makeup. All the American models are fatter than the French ones so they have to let the dresses out. Vincent busts out the glue again. Laura’s collar has been totally flattened. It’s awful-looking now, it just looks like some limp toilet paper, seriously.

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and fashion designer Richard Tyler, who looks really greasy. I think he could be ol’ NeckTat’s dad. Showtime!

Kayne’s walks first and I thought Amanda looked stunning. The skirt flowed like a champ. I just loved it. Laura’s was FLAT. Ugh, it really looked awful, not much else to say. Uli’s model. All I can say is I could not stop staring at her boobs. She has really big boobs for a runway model I guess, plus the fact that the garment appeared to be sheer, even though I guess it wasn’t. It was ONLY sheer on the boobs though. It looked good but hello. Boobs.

Jeffrey’s model came out and worked the hell out of the runway. I never even noticed her before, but that walk was fierce and a half. Vincent’s reminded me of that OTHER gown he made. Boring silhouette, weird ass sleeves. He looked at the skirt and was all, “Nobody cuts like THAT, sister!” Michael’s looks awful, even on Nazri. MK makes a face like he just smelled a fart. Michael said he was “sweatin’ like a whore in church” and with good reason. That looked bad.

The judges talk to each of the designers. They like Uli’s bodice, and the fact that it’s not Miami flip flop couture, or something. They think Kayne’s is way too busy. Nina tells him he needs to hold back. MK says he thinks his middle name is Too Much. Jeffrey was the most creative, MK thinks he likes the yellow madras goth aesthetic. RT says it’s not perfect but he could tell the model loved it. Heidi asks Vincent what he did by hand to make this couture, and he doesn’t even attempt to answer the question, he says something about the dress being great. I wish he had been like, “I did a lot of couture hand-gluing, Heidi. It got me off.” MK says he made an oddball sleeve that doesn’t fit. NG says the top looks like it’s on backward and RT hates the fleurchon. Those were SO last episode. Michael gets grilled. MK says when he loans a dress to a celebrity, it always comes back looking like this. Heidi says she has bunny ears on her boobs. RT says to tuck them in, and when he does, the dress improves by about 1800%. Doh! RT tells Laura hers needs some life, the layers are lookin all flat. Nina says it’s old and done, and MK says shorten up that skirt and hand her a featherduster, cause she’s a French maid. Props to Laura for not saying the collar got squished, cause I totally would have.

The designers leave and the judges like Uli and Jeffrey. They are still hating on Michael. They again say about Kayne, “His taste level is just not there.” My friend Chris was watching this with me and was like, “I LOVE it when they say that.” So do I. It’s the best way to tell someone they’re trashy. I’m going to use it in a conversation sometime. About Vincent, MK says he made some Ace of Clubs sleeve that didn’t fit. All Catherine wrote on the score card was, “No. No. No. No. No.” Laura’s was a block of fabric that just DIED.

They come back out and the winner is.. Jeffrey with his fresh, new, hip dress. He doesn’t get immunity and Heidi says it’s gonna be tough from here on out. Uli is in. Michael is in. Kayne is in.

And I start sweating, cause of those two dresses, Laura’s really does look worse. They tell Vincent his lacked couture finishing and detail and the fit was off. It confused them. They tell Laura it looks old and predictable. Been there, done that. Laura is in. Vincent is out. Whew.

Vincent says he’s sad, that he wanted to go to the final three just so he could show a full collection. He tells us again how he cashed in his 401K, which by this point I’m really annoyed with. It’s not like you have to buy your own fabric and stuff on the show, so what is the deal with that? Anyway, he likes taking chances, and PR put him in a beautiful place, and oh yeah, here’s a parting shot. It totally got him off.

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